English Language Paper 1 Q5

So I wrote up a practise Q5 answer and was wondering if I could get people's opinions on it, whether that's criticisms or what marks you think it would get (out of 40). Don't know whether it's a bit short or pretentious vocab at times haha. Anything would be appreciated, thanks! The prompt was "Write a narrative where your character is in a dangerous situation":

An irresolute countenance lit his face, conflictingly marked with the distinct flair of a man about to kill.
My heart sank to depths not felt since my very own father had died so many years ago.

Brutus? Surely he wouldn’t have the heart to actually do that – kill someone?

No. Not Brutus.

Oh, but that belligerent scan of the room, the pointed silhouette at his waist, a subtly quivering posture and copiously sweaty palms – quickly dashed away on his robe – revealed (more clearly to me than anything I’d ever seen before) that someone wouldn’t be leaving the senate tonight.
Brutus was like a son to me, with a closer bond of trust connecting us than blood ever could; and those paternal instincts were stinging like a torrent of wasps going for my throat in this very moment.

An unsteady pace backwards began my descent down the stairs, exiting the lobby into the ever-bustling but, clouded by my heavy head, audibly drowned-out streets of the republic I hold so dear. Yet, as suddenly as a dog hearing that wicked prowl of a cat, I paused. A bump from a stern senator jostling wasn’t even enough of a kick from reality to think rationally.

“I must help him.” – I muttered under my breath: a thought that, as I have now realised, was all too idealistic.
Swiftly, with my thoughts cloudier than the Tiber on a frosty winter’s day, I scurried all too un-senatorially back up the stairs, through the same ornate archway I’d passed under for the greater portion of my life, and back into the lobby, only to meet Brutus’ icy stare with my own dazed one. The hesitance freezing him had seemed to thaw, and myriad other senators had seemed to gather in that still ever-dynamic and lively room.
Each held that same diffident visage, like a farmhand instructed to slaughter the lambs he raised his whole life.
But that fear – of regret, perhaps? – didn’t stop them.

Sprawled on the crystalline marble floor I couldn’t grasp what had happened, nor do I think with my limited time left in this world I ever will. A crimson stain spread across the floor just as swiftly as my beloved republic had conquered the known world.
But it seems I was not so beloved to my dear republic after all.

Reply 1

unknown_2269

chatgpt says you would get 37/40 If you want to push it even closer to perfection:

•

Slightly simplify or clarify a couple of complex metaphors.

•

Make the “danger” of the situation a bit more immediate or physical (rather than reflective).

•

Ensure that the ending gives a clearer sense of closure (Possible areas for improvement:

•

It could benefit from a slightly clearer plot progression or external action – much of the piece is internal, reflective, and metaphorical. While this works well stylistically, some examiners might prefer slightly more tangible events and clarity.

•

The final sentence is strong but could land even more impact with a clearer “resolution” to the narrative arc. Very minor issues:

•

The line "a bump from a stern senator jostling wasn’t even enough of a kick..." is slightly clunky in phrasing and might trip up a reader.

•

Some metaphorical or figurative language is complex to the point of slight ambiguity, which might lead to a comment on clarity.

Reply 2

albt8

Original post by unknown_2269

chatgpt says you would get 37/40 If you want to push it even closer to perfection:

•

Slightly simplify or clarify a couple of complex metaphors.

•

Make the “danger” of the situation a bit more immediate or physical (rather than reflective).

•

Ensure that the ending gives a clearer sense of closure (Possible areas for improvement:

•

The final sentence is strong but could land even more impact with a clearer “resolution” to the narrative arc. Very minor issues:

•

The line "a bump from a stern senator jostling wasn’t even enough of a kick..." is slightly clunky in phrasing and might trip up a reader.

•

Some metaphorical or figurative language is complex to the point of slight ambiguity, which might lead to a comment on clarity.

Alright that's good to hear thanks, I'll keep that in mind

Reply 3

unknown_2269

😂 lol

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