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How to convince mother to get a job?

I'm going to try and keep this post as short as I can but as far as I'm concerned this is a deep and complicated situation and I don't have many great places to go for advice

Bit of background:

My parents divorced over a decade ago. Mum 'got the house' (although it was sold) but it was otherwise a clean financial break

Brother and I moved out at least 5 years ago

Her mother died somewhere in between those two which had big impact on her but not unusually traumatic

She has not been employed in my lifetime but had regular and irregular jobs before having my brother

Since getting divorced she has been working on a business, but has spent virtually the entire decade on patents and not securing paying customers

Jump to today: she has essentially no money or income/assets and is not acting to secure herself despite lengthy discussions between herself and me/my brother and despite saying she appreciates the seriousness of her situation

What's happened so far:

She asked to borrow money from me (£10k) which I lent her assuming she would get a job to support herself in the meantime

She accidentally spent £1k her mother left me (although I do not believe this was accidental)

She asked to borrow money from my brother which he could not lend her. He had already covered some bills on her behalf (facts which she did not tell me)

She sold some things, having run out of the money I lent her (which lasted about 6 months)

She put several thousand pounds on a credit card, assuming she would be able to do a balance transfer (which she was...)

The credit card bill was for self-storage (she has a hoarding problem which is a minor cause of her money problem) and if she doesn't come up with the money in 6 months the unit and all her stuff will presumably get repossessed

My brother and I have discussed (over the phone, in person, separately, and together) the need for her to get a job in order to support herself because he and I can't/won't/shouldn't have to lend her anymore money. She says that she understands (and clearly is stressed) by her situation, but does not want to talk about it further and in the past 2 months has not made any attempt to get a job - preferring instead to pursue some other avenue for her business, but insisting that "she won't let it get too close before taking our advice" and "understanding that God won't provide"

Even though she typically does appear entirely put together - both to me most of the time and if you were to meet her in person - I am doubtful that she is sound of mind. This is partly because of her hoarding problem and partly because I do not believe that she would have ever let herself fritter away a six-figure divorce settlement without thinking she ought to get a job at some point. I think she has a gambler's mentality when it comes to her business idea believing success to be right around the corner

I'm going to call her again as I want to convince her to put everything down and just get a job to support herself while she works on the business idea on the side because she's living on borrowed time (and money) and will literally be homeless come the summer if she can't pay her rent

I just don't understand why she's unwilling do what normal people do and get a job, let alone have to be told to by her children. My brother and I have been very gentle/understanding/kind but I am growing increasingly stressed that come the summer she is going to phone me and ask for more money. Whilst I can lend her more money, it is not without a cost to my long term financial goals. More importantly, I don't think more money will help her - she had a six-figure divorce settlement before I lent her even more - I think her problem is money management and I shouldn't have to support a healthy adult capable of working (much less should I have to foot the bill for her poor financial decisions) when I work for a living and am by not especially wealthy

Thank you for making it this far - I'm happy to hear anything you have to say: wtf do I do. I want her to take her fingers out of her ears and do what we are suggesting but I have no power (or want) to babysit her from 3k miles away as she sleep walks into potential-homelessness. I also want to have a normal relationship with my mother and not be a thorn in her side
(edited 9 months ago)

Reply 1

I’d encourage her to get some help with the hoarding problem and tell her you can’t afford to lend anymore money. It doesn’t seem straightforward from what you describe and she’s unlikely to change because of pressure from you, it will need to come from herself

Reply 2

Original post
by HoldThisL
I'm going to try and keep this post as short as I can but as far as I'm concerned this is a deep and complicated situation and I don't have many great places to go for advice
Bit of background:

My parents divorced over a decade ago. Mum 'got the house' (although it was sold) but it was otherwise a clean financial break

Brother and I moved out at least 5 years ago

Her mother died somewhere in between those two which had big impact on her but not unusually traumatic

She has not been employed in my lifetime but had regular and irregular jobs before having my brother

Since getting divorced she has been working on a business, but has spent virtually the entire decade on patents and not securing paying customers

Jump to today: she has essentially no money or income/assets and is not acting to secure herself despite lengthy discussions between herself and me/my brother and despite saying she appreciates the seriousness of her situation
What's happened so far:

She asked to borrow money from me (£10k) which I lent her assuming she would get a job to support herself in the meantime

She accidentally spent £1k her mother left me (although I do not believe this was accidental)

She asked to borrow money from my brother which he could not lend her. He had already covered some bills on her behalf (facts which she did not tell me)

She sold some things, having run out of the money I lent her (which lasted about 6 months)

She put several thousand pounds on a credit card, assuming she would be able to do a balance transfer (which she was...)

The credit card bill was for self-storage (she has a hoarding problem which is a minor cause of her money problem) and if she doesn't come up with the money in 6 months the unit and all her stuff will presumably get repossessed

My brother and I have discussed (over the phone, in person, separately, and together) the need for her to get a job in order to support herself because he and I can't/won't/shouldn't have to lend her anymore money. She says that she understands (and clearly is stressed) by her situation, but does not want to talk about it further and in the past 2 months has not made any attempt to get a job - preferring instead to pursue some other avenue for her business, but insisting that "she won't let it get too close before taking our advice" and "understanding that God won't provide"
Even though she typically does appear entirely put together - both to me most of the time and if you were to meet her in person - I am doubtful that she is sound of mind. This is partly because of her hoarding problem and partly because I do not believe that she would have ever let herself fritter away a six-figure divorce settlement without thinking she ought to get a job at some point. I think she has a gambler's mentality when it comes to her business idea believing success to be right around the corner
I'm going to call her again as I want to convince her to put everything down and just get a job to support herself while she works on the business idea on the side because she's living on borrowed time (and money) and will literally be homeless come the summer if she can't pay her rent
I just don't understand why she's unwilling do what normal people do and get a job, let alone have to be told to by her children. My brother and I have been very gentle/understanding/kind but I am growing increasingly stressed that come the summer she is going to phone me and ask for more money. Whilst I can lend her more money, it is not without a cost to my long term financial goals. More importantly, I don't think more money will help her - she had a six-figure divorce settlement before I lent her even more - I think her problem is money management and I shouldn't have to support a healthy adult capable of working (much less should I have to foot the bill for her poor financial decisions) when I work for a living and am by not especially wealthy
Thank you for making it this far - I'm happy to hear anything you have to say: wtf do I do. I want her to take her fingers out of her ears and do what we are suggesting but I have no power (or want) to babysit her from 3k miles away as she sleep walks into potential-homelessness. I also want to have a normal relationship with my mother and not be a thorn in her side

Its upto her.

You just don't need to bankroll her.

Reply 3

Original post
by Quady
Its upto her.
You just don't need to bankroll her.

Original post
by Zarek
I’d encourage her to get some help with the hoarding problem and tell her you can’t afford to lend anymore money. It doesn’t seem straightforward from what you describe and she’s unlikely to change because of pressure from you, it will need to come from herself

Thanks both - I guess I knew that

Any suggestions on who I can get her to talk to for help? She doesn't see it as a problem, obviously, and doesn't have many close friends that I know of anyway

Reply 4

Original post
by HoldThisL
Thanks both - I guess I knew that
Any suggestions on who I can get her to talk to for help? She doesn't see it as a problem, obviously, and doesn't have many close friends that I know of anyway

Doesn't see what as a problem?

It might not be a problem until she's sold everything so can't fund eating anymore. Even then social security might step in.

Reply 5

Original post
by HoldThisL
Thanks both - I guess I knew that
Any suggestions on who I can get her to talk to for help? She doesn't see it as a problem, obviously, and doesn't have many close friends that I know of anyway

GP would be a place to start. Or private counselling. Or perhaps a trusted friend could influence

Reply 6

Honestly? I think tough love needs to happen. Yes its wont be nice, but shes learnt that you will both keep bailing her out so why should she change?

You need to stand firm with boundries, no more bailing her out financially, She needs to seek help wether it through GP/mental health services or charity services as she wont be able to afford private or things wont change.
But you need to stick with it and not carry on with the bailing out.

Reply 7

Original post
by PonchoKid
Honestly? I think tough love needs to happen. Yes its wont be nice, but shes learnt that you will both keep bailing her out so why should she change?
You need to stand firm with boundries, no more bailing her out financially, She needs to seek help wether it through GP/mental health services or charity services as she wont be able to afford private or things wont change.
But you need to stick with it and not carry on with the bailing out.

Aye. Just have to hope she wakes up and comes back from the edge of the cliff before falling off it

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