kind of need to ask "what are we" but feel it's a bit soon

hey, will try to keep this brief (and will tldr) but also want to give a bit of info/context -- thanks in advance!

so i (24f) matched with this guy (22m) on hinge a couple of wks ago. we pretty much instantly hit it off and developed a kind of flirty banter very quickly since we've got similar humour and very similar interests -- we're both grad students in the same field, though i'm a doctoral candidate and he's not applied for his yet. we live roughly an hr away from one another and attend different unis (but both living in uni cities). a lot of early jokes about marriage, being soulmates, etc but all very lighthearted.

first date was amazing and we had really good chemistry, to the point that we planned the second while we were on our way home from the first. about ten days passed between dates due to some schedule stuff but we started calling pretty regularly for 2-4hrs at a time and streaming movies together (we also planned our third date before our second). second date was also amazing; i drank too much and he let me crash at his and was very chivalrous about sleeping on the floor, looking after me etc. although we had a very quick kiss at the train station i was totally sure i had made a complete mess of things after and texted him on my train home the following morning to say that i totally understood if he didn't want to see me again; instead he asked if he could visit me the next day. he came, we had a cosy night at my place and wound up fooling around (no sex, just a looot of making out) and he stayed over, and only left around midnight the following night because i was flying home for a few wks after.

i've been home now for like 2-3wks (research + visiting) and we've called a lot since i've been back, in addition to messaging daily. when we do call it's for 2-5hrs each time, sometimes just talking, sometimes watching movies. we've both been very vocal about missing one another. we planned to meet up as soon as soon as i got back WEEKS ago -- i'll be staying with him this weekend and then he'll be staying with me the weekend after. we've had these plans since shortly after i came home.

the other night we spoke on the phone and he mentioned that he had passed the initial application stages for a job overseas that would offer him a two year contract if he were successful. he had previously mentioned that he was thinking of taking a gap year like this after finishing his master's but he never said anything more about it and i just assumed that he thought against it for some reason; however he was really excited about the job when we spoke and i was genuinely happy for him so i congratulated him and we talked a little about the job, the travel etc. the conversation moved on and it hasn't come up again since. (important info: the country is a 12hr flight away, so we would really only be able to see each other during holidays, and even then, i'm not sure how long for; the time difference is also considerable, so even keeping in touch on the phone would require some work -- though absolutely doable to be fair)

the problem: i'm now not really sure how to read what we currently are. he's made joking reference to himself as my boyfriend and has called me like his "girl" but we've definitely not had the "what are we" conversation. we've been making loose plans to take a holiday abroad this summer but it's still felt a bit early to ask as we've only known each other maybe 6wks. my hinge profile stated i was looking for long-term and he was figuring out his dating goals so i guess i'm a little worried that maybe we're looking for different things? but he's been putting in HUGE effort, right from the beginning -- showing up with my favourite flowers, insisting on paying for everything, coming to my place to cook for me, planning elaborate dates, keeping a notes doc of things i mention liking (which he doesn't know i've seen; i glimpsed it on his phone once) and just all-in-all being very "involved."

i know the answer is to ask him outright, which i plan to do when i see him in person; however i guess what i'm wondering is how to bring up "what are we" without looking like i'm desperate for definition? because if he hadn't mentioned this job i would've been pretty happy to just wait for it to come up naturally. i want to know what this job would mean -- if he would consider distance (i would be open to trying it) or if he would look at ending things when he left. i don't think i want to go much further until i know because i don't want to progress the relationship emotionally/physically if it's absolutely a definitely short term, finite thing.

any advice on how to bring this up?

tl;dr: have been seeing a guy for a little over a month and things were all going in the right direction until he mentioned taking a job overseas for two years; now i want to know what we are so i can figure out what this job might mean for any future we would have together, but i don't want to seem desperate for an official relationship and i don't know how to bring it up. advice?

Reply 1

Zarek

Perhaps say you’d like to keep in touch and see what he says. It seems you could have something positive going although it’s early days and I agree with not making it too heavy

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