The Student Room Group

Disowned by my dad

(20F) I found out yesterday that I've been disowned. This was after I had an argument with my dad in a pharmacy, he embarrassed me by answering for me very loud in the back and making it clear to them I have some sort of speech issue (i don't, she didn't hear one number of my birth year but he still think I'm 11 and introverted). I told him to go outside and because I had some authority in my voice now he was embarrassed. We've never argued in public so it was worse in that sense but he made sure to call me every bad thing he could think of right there (in Arabic). My dad told my mom either I leave this Friday or he will. Of course it's not a question, even though he works maybe 14 hours a month my family depend on him emotionally and financially. But I just don't think what happened is enough ground to remove me. Just before that we were talking about the weather, and when I would take my driving test. Nothing leading up. It's true that we don't have the best relationship anyway, my dad spends most of his time saying I stink or my uni work is a waste of time because it's not a big uni or when I almost got married off in January (not willing) all the pictures I had were either catfish to him or ugly. Even said he'll have to stick a picture of you on the bedframe so he doesn't have to think about what lays next to him. And when I cried and complained he said it was all a joke of course. Somehow I should've known that.

Point is despite this rant I don't think I did enough to be disowned. I do see it as some misogyny because my brother has had similar or worse arguments and he never experienced some sort of silent treatment (I get this from my dad and my mom, the latter sometimes worse as she'd ignore me months at a time). Even in the house I've been confined to my room, I'm not allowed out for dinners or prayer, he doesn't want to see me. My mom was upset mostly because I didn't do enough.. I should've cried more begged more. But when he asked me to leave I did and I immediately started searching for my options. I have options already and I'm trying to get my benefits sorted so I can get into shared housing until I can find work as I only just finished uni and still haven't graduated. My two brothers have avoided me since. Worst part about this is I have a new baby sister that's 2 months, and having been an only girl my whole life I looked forward to raising her and seeing her grow and hear her call me sister. And I won't get that anymore.

What can I do right now, what should I be doing?

Reply 1

Original post
by CuteKoalaXD
(20F) I found out yesterday that I've been disowned. This was after I had an argument with my dad in a pharmacy, he embarrassed me by answering for me very loud in the back and making it clear to them I have some sort of speech issue (i don't, she didn't hear one number of my birth year but he still think I'm 11 and introverted). I told him to go outside and because I had some authority in my voice now he was embarrassed. We've never argued in public so it was worse in that sense but he made sure to call me every bad thing he could think of right there (in Arabic). My dad told my mom either I leave this Friday or he will. Of course it's not a question, even though he works maybe 14 hours a month my family depend on him emotionally and financially. But I just don't think what happened is enough ground to remove me. Just before that we were talking about the weather, and when I would take my driving test. Nothing leading up. It's true that we don't have the best relationship anyway, my dad spends most of his time saying I stink or my uni work is a waste of time because it's not a big uni or when I almost got married off in January (not willing) all the pictures I had were either catfish to him or ugly. Even said he'll have to stick a picture of you on the bedframe so he doesn't have to think about what lays next to him. And when I cried and complained he said it was all a joke of course. Somehow I should've known that.
Point is despite this rant I don't think I did enough to be disowned. I do see it as some misogyny because my brother has had similar or worse arguments and he never experienced some sort of silent treatment (I get this from my dad and my mom, the latter sometimes worse as she'd ignore me months at a time). Even in the house I've been confined to my room, I'm not allowed out for dinners or prayer, he doesn't want to see me. My mom was upset mostly because I didn't do enough.. I should've cried more begged more. But when he asked me to leave I did and I immediately started searching for my options. I have options already and I'm trying to get my benefits sorted so I can get into shared housing until I can find work as I only just finished uni and still haven't graduated. My two brothers have avoided me since. Worst part about this is I have a new baby sister that's 2 months, and having been an only girl my whole life I looked forward to raising her and seeing her grow and hear her call me sister. And I won't get that anymore.
What can I do right now, what should I be doing?

Hey, I hope you are okay and that despite this argument you are still taking care of yourself. In terms of the argument you have had, it is possible that your father said things to you out of anger however that being said, it seems that the root of the frustrations seem to be when you are having intimate discussions with your family. It may help to stop having these sorts of discussions with your family who instead of supporting/discussing/weighing-in with you are using these discussions to treat you badly. In terms of options, there are options out there as you have mentioned such as shared residences however those run by local authorities may put you in more difficulties with effectively no 'safe space'. What i would do is continue with your benefit applications, applications for shared accomodation etc but also look into private renting too. It may help to establish a line of credit such as a basic credit card etc as it could be useful later. i do not know what you study or what region you are in but i would immediately put together your CV and make applications for jobs and highlight that whilst you have not graduated you are keen to get some hands on experience. Civil Service Jobs is also a good place to start however it can take time to get cleared for jobs so please bear that in mind. My final concern is that your mother is effectively supporting your isolation therefore although you may have a bond with your baby sister, access to her is in your mother's control and I worry that you may end up suffering further just to nurture a bond that could be used to further these difficult circumstances. THis is not a good position to be in so access as much support as you can get your hands on in case things escalate further including local womens groups, Women's Aid, local shelters etc (search YOUR REGION womens shelters). You may think that you have not done anything to justify any of this however it is very common in certain cultures to treat females like this. I hope you feel okay and please take care of yourself and keep your plans to YOURSELF! I wish i could do more so please reach out if you want to know anything more

Reply 2

hey i'm really sorry you're going through this. just want to say straight up it’s not islamic to disown your child over a disagreement or for speaking up. there’s nothing in the deen that justifies emotional abuse or humiliation. the prophet (ﷺ) treated women, daughters especially, with gentleness and love not control or shaming.
you’re not wrong to feel hurt or confused, and you’ve done nothing that deserves this. this is about pride and patriarchy, not faith. even if your dad feels embarrassed, reacting by disowning you isn’t “discipline,” it’s emotional punishment -and that’s haram when it causes real harm.
you’re already being strong by looking for housing and trying to move forward. keep doing that speak to your uni about hardship funds or accommodation support, and contact citizens advice or women’s support services too. you do have options, even if they’re hard at first.
and you're allowed to grieve the loss of your baby sister being in your life -that bond matters. but please know this isn’t the end of your story. keep going.

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