The Student Room Group

what to do with a very OVERLY sexual partner?

my boyfriend and i have been together for a few months now and things are going great, we have the same interests, sense of humour, outlook on life etc but there’s one thing that has been bugging me the whole time we’ve been together that is becoming more of an issue for me personally and i’ve mentioned this to him a few times and yet nothing has really changed.

he is very sexual, has a crazy high libido whereas mine is quite low. that isn’t the issue though, we still obviously have sex a ‘normal’ amount in my opinion, but he is so overly sexual in the sense that he turns everything into a dirty joke, i can’t say one simple sentence without his head going into the gutter and don’t get me wrong, i can appreciate a good “that’s what she said” joke but his are CONSTANT and more than that, for example i could say i’m hungry and he would reply “i have a sausage here you can get your mouth around”
in the beginning i appreciated they were just jokes, so id chuckle and shake my head as if to say.. stfu and he’d laugh as well and say one day he’ll “change me” to be more like him.
i’ve told him im just not that kind of person, im no prude but that’s just not my style of humour and im definitely not a dirty talker over the phone or in person, he knows this and overtime i think it’s becoming more of an issue for him, he’s being a lot more full on with how sexual he is over text saying he wants me to wake him up with a.. you know what, whenever i’m planning on going over to his house he’ll text me and say hurry up and get your mouth around my… you know what
and honestly it just sits with me the wrong way, if he didn’t say any of that, i’m sure we would end up doing that kind of stuff, but when it’s brought to me like that it really puts me off, i tell him to stop being so dirty but he amplifies it if anything, hoping to convert me when it’s actually doing the opposite.

i’ve told him that when he talks to me like that i feel like he only wants one thing from me, and he’s assured me that this isn’t the case, and he is a very romantic, loveable person, but this side of him is one i just can’t take on board and no matter how many times i tell him it’s just not up my street to talk like this, he doesn’t tone it down.
i still obviously really like him and it isn’t making me think that i should think about moving on or anything because i know there’s bigger and better things to let get in the way of relationships and in the grand scheme of things, this is quite minor. but it still just bugs me and his responses make me think that maybe im weird? like, for not having that side to me, but none of my other partners have ever spoken like that so obviously, neither have i.

what more can i say to him so that he’ll realise that i’m not going to be this only fans, freaky girl he has in his head that he’s going to turn me into? i enjoy what we do behind closed doors but the more he speaks and acts like this it makes me turn off tbh and i don’t want to lose that or it’ll obviously turn into a much bigger issue.

i don’t want him to feel like he has to change because i appreciate that this is his sense of humour, but i just want him to accept that my responses are never going to be on par with it, because like i said he sort of gets annoyed when i don’t reply with anything just as dirty and it makes me feel like im being too much of a prude when surely it’s perfectly normal to just not be on that wavelength even as an adult? right?

Reply 1

Original post by Anonymous
my boyfriend and i have been together for a few months now and things are going great, we have the same interests, sense of humour, outlook on life etc but there’s one thing that has been bugging me the whole time we’ve been together that is becoming more of an issue for me personally and i’ve mentioned this to him a few times and yet nothing has really changed.
he is very sexual, has a crazy high libido whereas mine is quite low. that isn’t the issue though, we still obviously have sex a ‘normal’ amount in my opinion, but he is so overly sexual in the sense that he turns everything into a dirty joke, i can’t say one simple sentence without his head going into the gutter and don’t get me wrong, i can appreciate a good “that’s what she said” joke but his are CONSTANT and more than that, for example i could say i’m hungry and he would reply “i have a sausage here you can get your mouth around”
in the beginning i appreciated they were just jokes, so id chuckle and shake my head as if to say.. stfu and he’d laugh as well and say one day he’ll “change me” to be more like him.
i’ve told him im just not that kind of person, im no prude but that’s just not my style of humour and im definitely not a dirty talker over the phone or in person, he knows this and overtime i think it’s becoming more of an issue for him, he’s being a lot more full on with how sexual he is over text saying he wants me to wake him up with a.. you know what, whenever i’m planning on going over to his house he’ll text me and say hurry up and get your mouth around my… you know what
and honestly it just sits with me the wrong way, if he didn’t say any of that, i’m sure we would end up doing that kind of stuff, but when it’s brought to me like that it really puts me off, i tell him to stop being so dirty but he amplifies it if anything, hoping to convert me when it’s actually doing the opposite.
i’ve told him that when he talks to me like that i feel like he only wants one thing from me, and he’s assured me that this isn’t the case, and he is a very romantic, loveable person, but this side of him is one i just can’t take on board and no matter how many times i tell him it’s just not up my street to talk like this, he doesn’t tone it down.
i still obviously really like him and it isn’t making me think that i should think about moving on or anything because i know there’s bigger and better things to let get in the way of relationships and in the grand scheme of things, this is quite minor. but it still just bugs me and his responses make me think that maybe im weird? like, for not having that side to me, but none of my other partners have ever spoken like that so obviously, neither have i.
what more can i say to him so that he’ll realise that i’m not going to be this only fans, freaky girl he has in his head that he’s going to turn me into? i enjoy what we do behind closed doors but the more he speaks and acts like this it makes me turn off tbh and i don’t want to lose that or it’ll obviously turn into a much bigger issue.
i don’t want him to feel like he has to change because i appreciate that this is his sense of humour, but i just want him to accept that my responses are never going to be on par with it, because like i said he sort of gets annoyed when i don’t reply with anything just as dirty and it makes me feel like im being too much of a prude when surely it’s perfectly normal to just not be on that wavelength even as an adult? right?


This won't be an answer you want to hear but I think you best bet is to sit down with him, with examples of what has upset you that he's said and ask for him to change, and if he will not then to just leave him.

If your libido is not on his level and he can't respect that these sexual comments are not what you want to constantly be hearing, then he isn't resepcting you as a person -- regardless of how you guys have things in common or he is romantic etc. If he has to constantly bug and edge you on into being a part of his sexual fantacies, and you from the get go don't like it, it's not you being prude, but him making you uncomfortable. From what it sounds like there will come a point where you are coerced into fulfilling this role, and that means the situation isn't consentual.

I know this may sound like a pretty extreme answer from what you've said, but speaking from exprenice, if a guy isn't going to tone down this sexual behaviour, you need to take yourself out of the situation beacuse as a person you are worth so much more than simply being there to fulfil sexual desires. This isn't just simple jokes, but instead objectification, whether he knows that he's doing it or not.

(sorry for any spelling mistakes!)

Quick Reply