Mr Birling AIC paragraph

2

I'm in yr 9 rn, so I want to know if my writing is good. My teacher set this as homework, and I wrote it in about 10 mins. Can you give me feedback if you have any aswell, ty :smile:

Priestley uses juxtaposition when Mr Birling states that he will bring “lower costs and higher prices” into their company when “Birlings are no longer competing but working together”. The use of juxtaposition suggests that he wants to exploit the lower class for his benefit, and that the upper class always benefit from the lower class’ suffering as they have more power in society so every decision benefits them. This implies that Mr Birling is selfish and doesn’t care about anyone else's success other than his own. He also dehumanises his workers in this point as he does not care that he is harming them as he pays them barely livable amounts. Priestley's message here is that the upper class need to learn more social responsibility and care more for other people as a society that is based on unchecked power and capitalism has no morals higher in the social system. He argues that the Edwardian society being solely based on profit and individual gain is harmful and unsustainable, and he advocates for a more socialist society where shared responsibility, and the focus on the lives of all people in society are prioritised.

Reply 1

Ahvs410

7

Original post

by IslaThePolarBear

I'm in yr 9 rn, so I want to know if my writing is good. My teacher set this as homework, and I wrote it in about 10 mins. Can you give me feedback if you have any aswell, ty :smile:

Priestley uses juxtaposition when Mr Birling states that he will bring “lower costs and higher prices” into their company when “Birlings are no longer competing but working together”. The use of juxtaposition suggests that he wants to exploit the lower class for his benefit, and that the upper class always benefit from the lower class’ suffering as they have more power in society so every decision benefits them. This implies that Mr Birling is selfish and doesn’t care about anyone else's success other than his own. He also dehumanises his workers in this point as he does not care that he is harming them as he pays them barely livable amounts. Priestley's message here is that the upper class need to learn more social responsibility and care more for other people as a society that is based on unchecked power and capitalism has no morals higher in the social system. He argues that the Edwardian society being solely based on profit and individual gain is harmful and unsustainable, and he advocates for a more socialist society where shared responsibility, and the focus on the lives of all people in society are prioritised.

This is quite good for Y9, so well done!
some things to improve on:

•

You are using the structure they teach you in school- it's an ok structure but you need to use it as a base to built your essay rather than using exactly what they say

•

Quotes are too long- shorten the quotes, not too short, not too long

•

Use more sophisticated language- instead of 'is selfish and doesn’t care about anyone else's success other than his own', say 'he is an emodiement of conceit, always putting himself first'

•

Link back to your question- This is SO important, now don't say smth like, 'this shows that Mr Birling is arrogant', say 'such deeds and statements, hence prove Mr Birling's prominent hubris'

•

Include contextual information- if you wanna get a grade 9, you need to be putting in some context, like the Suffragette movement, for example

let's say that this paragraph was out of 5, i'd give it 3/5

Reply 2

IslaThePolarBear

OP

2

Original post

by Ahvs410

This is quite good for Y9, so well done!
some things to improve on:

•

You are using the structure they teach you in school- it's an ok structure but you need to use it as a base to built your essay rather than using exactly what they say

•

Quotes are too long- shorten the quotes, not too short, not too long

•

Use more sophisticated language- instead of 'is selfish and doesn’t care about anyone else's success other than his own', say 'he is an emodiement of conceit, always putting himself first'

•

Link back to your question- This is SO important, now don't say smth like, 'this shows that Mr Birling is arrogant', say 'such deeds and statements, hence prove Mr Birling's prominent hubris'

•

Include contextual information- if you wanna get a grade 9, you need to be putting in some context, like the Suffragette movement, for example

let's say that this paragraph was out of 5, i'd give it 3/5

tyyyy<3333

Mr Birling AIC paragraph

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