Can somebody please mark my question 5 for paper 1!!! Its for english language

I would say around 29/30 , you need more puctuation and fancy vocab variety but u have good paragraphing and sentence variation.

I do AQA by the way
Write about making a difficult decision
The clock struck 10 o’clock
I lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling. I knew it was time. I knew I had to do it, but I didn’t want to. My palms sweltered as my legs shook uncontrollably against my grey sheets. My heart screamed against it as my blood ran cold at the idea of leaving him. However, I knew it was right even if I didn’t want to.
‘You’ll meet new people.’ That’s what they said. They told me that there were many fish in the sea, and I’ll find a new one, a better one but what if that’s not what I wanted. What if I want to stay? What if I loved my fish so much that I would struggle to swim without it? I tossed and turned unclear of what to do. I was aware that the world will still spin on its axis and I’ll move on, but my mind ached with every thought that ran across my head. Yes – I’ll meet new people. Yes – I have new experiences calling my name. Yes – I will be able to carry on, live to my life and do bigger, better things. I was aware of all of it but why did I tremble at the idea of leaving? My knees felt weak, and my head burned with flames of conflict. Is there better beyond him? The only way was to find out.
Tick Tock. Tick tock.
My heartbeat picked up and my whole body started to tremble. I felt damp tears drip down the side of eyes. To care for someone is one thing but to be so in love that the idea of not having them in your life only makes you want to hold a knife to your throat is another. To be loved is to be seen. To be loved is to be heard. That’s all he ever made me felt, but I knew that we aren’t meant to be. His name isn’t written next to mine. My mind ran through all our memories; my heart warmed yet throbbed at the thought of him. Our late-night calls, our overbearing hugs, our laughs, our chats, our touch – when we were together all my problems seemed to fade like the smoke in the air.
The clock struck half past ten.
I knew reminiscing wouldn’t get me anywhere. I knew if I stayed, I wouldn’t grow; I wouldn’t heal. I knew I needed to love myself before I could love anyone else. My gut wrenched and twisted with angst, yet my mind had come to a decision. I needed to explore and see the endless wonders this world has to offer. There’s so much ahead of me and after all I am only just a young teenage girl who’s yet to have her emotions in check. I want to love, breathe, make new memories and friends. I need to heal from all the previous hurt and pain that holds me back and haunts me like a ghost in the depths of the night. I need to learn who I am and what makes me as a person. So, I choose myself.
The clock struck eleven.
I picked up my phone and dialled his number. I stared up at the ceiling as my phone dryly rang until I heard his soft voice at the end of the phone. This is it. This is the moment. I knew it was time. Time that I called it quits.
Tick tock the clock went. Who knows what time has to offer me.

I do AQA by the way
Write about making a difficult decision
The clock struck 10 o’clock
I lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling. I knew it was time. I knew I had to do it, but I didn’t want to. My palms sweltered as my legs shook uncontrollably against my grey sheets. My heart screamed against it as my blood ran cold at the idea of leaving him. However, I knew it was right even if I didn’t want to.
‘You’ll meet new people.’ That’s what they said. They told me that there were many fish in the sea, and I’ll find a new one, a better one but what if that’s not what I wanted. What if I want to stay? What if I loved my fish so much that I would struggle to swim without it? I tossed and turned unclear of what to do. I was aware that the world will still spin on its axis and I’ll move on, but my mind ached with every thought that ran across my head. Yes – I’ll meet new people. Yes – I have new experiences calling my name. Yes – I will be able to carry on, live to my life and do bigger, better things. I was aware of all of it but why did I tremble at the idea of leaving? My knees felt weak, and my head burned with flames of conflict. Is there better beyond him? The only way was to find out.
Tick Tock. Tick tock.
My heartbeat picked up and my whole body started to tremble. I felt damp tears drip down the side of eyes. To care for someone is one thing but to be so in love that the idea of not having them in your life only makes you want to hold a knife to your throat is another. To be loved is to be seen. To be loved is to be heard. That’s all he ever made me felt, but I knew that we aren’t meant to be. His name isn’t written next to mine. My mind ran through all our memories; my heart warmed yet throbbed at the thought of him. Our late-night calls, our overbearing hugs, our laughs, our chats, our touch – when we were together all my problems seemed to fade like the smoke in the air.
The clock struck half past ten.
I knew reminiscing wouldn’t get me anywhere. I knew if I stayed, I wouldn’t grow; I wouldn’t heal. I knew I needed to love myself before I could love anyone else. My gut wrenched and twisted with angst, yet my mind had come to a decision. I needed to explore and see the endless wonders this world has to offer. There’s so much ahead of me and after all I am only just a young teenage girl who’s yet to have her emotions in check. I want to love, breathe, make new memories and friends. I need to heal from all the previous hurt and pain that holds me back and haunts me like a ghost in the depths of the night. I need to learn who I am and what makes me as a person. So, I choose myself.
The clock struck eleven.
I picked up my phone and dialled his number. I stared up at the ceiling as my phone dryly rang until I heard his soft voice at the end of the phone. This is it. This is the moment. I knew it was time. Time that I called it quits.
Tick tock the clock went. Who knows what time has to offer me.

This is really good! For accurate marking, put it into Gemini and ask 'please mark this in accordance to the AQA English language paper 1 mark scheme'.
Like the others, I also suggest adding more sophisticated vocabulary. Describe the boy, too, this brings more emotion to the story, gripping the examiner, they'll give you more marks that way!
35/40

thanks for this, my ideas were rubbish so it's only fair to the OP