Can anyone read and be critical for my first draft of my personal statement?

Edited out

Hi, never post your personal statement publicly on the internet (this is what you have done). I would advise you to start over now, as it is likely that this version will be cached by search engines and therefore any part of this draft that you use in your application could be flagged for plagiarism.
Is this an application to start university in September this year? Or are you working towards 2026?

this september i am applying to university

So you are applying late to start your studies in September 2025 at a university?
This would mean you need to check that the universities you want to study at are still accepting applicants as the equal consideration deadline was 29th January 2025 for this cycle.
For this current cycle you have until July 4th to do a main scheme application, or after that you would be applying direct to clearing.
So just to triple confirm, you want to start studying at a university in 2025?

oh no I am in year 12 applying early in september/october because of I am applying to Oxford, i will start my studying at University in september 2026