I am the other girl and I can't help but feel ashamed
I've just finished my first year at uni. At the beginning of the year, I made some amazing ride-or-die friends and among those friends I met a guy who to this day I had spent every hour of every day with since the day we met.
At first, I didn't think much of what was going on between us. After all, he said there was a girl he liked back home, I was aware from the very beginning that there was no way I would involve myself that closely out of respect of his feelings.
But from September through to May, we had grown so close it was hard to deny there was nothing odd between us.
Since our accommodations were so close, we would take the bus together to and from home (a normal friendship activity I think), it was also convenient for us to often go grocery shopping together. But quite often we would just go out to look at reduced prices and not buy anything, or even to just go shopping in the city centre just to do window shopping.
On Sundays, we would always go to church together and sometimes afterwards go out to eat lunch or hang out. Some nights, we would even order takeaway to bring back to mine or his and watch tv shows together on Netflix or Disney+. We've cooked dinner and baked cookies together. And when we weren't together we'd play games online and text everyday. All of these I once considered were normal, as delusional as it sounds now.
And then my downfall happened, the more time we spent together, the more learned about him and I started to fall in love with him. I paid attention to the small things, his likes, his dislikes, his favourite foods, the music he listened to, his interests, his weird quirks and stubborn mindset. He wasn't perfect. Not at all. We didn't always have things in common, I consider myself to be quite impulsive, overly-emotional and overwhelming. He was quiet, more thoughtful and passive. When I made terrible decisions, he never scolded me, never ridiculed me or blamed me (even though I'm sure it was my fault). Instead he would offer a comforting voice and an embrace for my troubles, something I didn't know I needed until he asked. And I discovered that he paid attention to me too. He knew my greatest fears, my aspirations, my passions, my habits. In a crowded room, he would know exactly where to find me.
He may have never been able to find the words, but in his actions, I knew exactly what he wanted to say. And when I was having a tough time with my medical health through the year (completely different side story), he came with me to my appointments and was always around to cry to. I always felt bad for using his presence that way, even now I have this overwhelming feeling in the back of my mind that I had unfairly trauma dumped on him and dragged him with me. But he always insisted to be involved, despite the many warnings I gave him. And before I knew it, and I know really shouldn't have, I got attached.
And then, I started to consider that maybe there were some things we did together that weren't exactly "just friends". We hold hands everywhere, held onto hugs for a lot longer than most people would, express the words I love you all the time. He kisses my cheek and forehead, calls me pretty and sweet and cute. I've eaten out to lunch twice and gone shopping with his parents who have expressed to me how much they like me. And during uni almost every day, we would stay at his or mine until 2-4am just taking a nap until waking up and realising we lived in separate rooms. It came to a point where my flatmates would joke about having an extra member to the flat and it was more of his room than mine.
And then somewhere in March, he went to go visit this girl he liked who liked him back, and when I saw him off at the train station, it immediately hit me. He wasn't mine to begin with. I was so invested in my own feelings I didn't even consider that at the end of the day, I was the other girl. I knew this girl knew of me from him, I know she doesn't like me. And if I'm honest, I wouldn't like me either if I were in her position. In her view, I am the girl best friend you hear from stories who overstepped her boundaries and got carried away. And I feel terrible for it.
I did speak about this with him, about establishing boundaries out of respect for her, but in his mind it was clear.
I was his sister in his eyes. It was how we explained our dynamic and that's what we would tell everyone, even despite the dating allegations. But (and this is why I'm posting on here), if I was really his sister, would he be doing all this?
There is no perfect advice for this situation. I've done what I needed to do and taken a step back. I know the most logical decision is to just drop our friendship and move on. But with what this guy and I have been through, the mutual friends we have and the fact I'm living with him next year - it's not something I can easily throw away.
I honestly just wanted to get it out and have some peace of mind, I'd be happy for anyone to comment as critical as it is.
I have nothing against this girl, I've met her once but never spoken to her. She does seem very sweet and mature. She didn't really talk to me and I respect and understand it is within her right to do what makes her comfortable.
To finalise, as much as I love my best friend. I don't think I could ever get around to being friends with her, and that's just my personal preference. I don't think I'll ever tell him how I truly feel, he doesn't need to know. And one day when him and this girl do end up dating, I know he'll treat her well, and I'm happy to support him and establish my distance from him. I know that with this summer coming, things will change when he goes back home to be with her. Maybe I really was a stand in or maybe I read into it too much. But as silly as it sounds, I'm glad that we made so many treasured memories.
Thank you for reading!
At first, I didn't think much of what was going on between us. After all, he said there was a girl he liked back home, I was aware from the very beginning that there was no way I would involve myself that closely out of respect of his feelings.
But from September through to May, we had grown so close it was hard to deny there was nothing odd between us.
Since our accommodations were so close, we would take the bus together to and from home (a normal friendship activity I think), it was also convenient for us to often go grocery shopping together. But quite often we would just go out to look at reduced prices and not buy anything, or even to just go shopping in the city centre just to do window shopping.
On Sundays, we would always go to church together and sometimes afterwards go out to eat lunch or hang out. Some nights, we would even order takeaway to bring back to mine or his and watch tv shows together on Netflix or Disney+. We've cooked dinner and baked cookies together. And when we weren't together we'd play games online and text everyday. All of these I once considered were normal, as delusional as it sounds now.
And then my downfall happened, the more time we spent together, the more learned about him and I started to fall in love with him. I paid attention to the small things, his likes, his dislikes, his favourite foods, the music he listened to, his interests, his weird quirks and stubborn mindset. He wasn't perfect. Not at all. We didn't always have things in common, I consider myself to be quite impulsive, overly-emotional and overwhelming. He was quiet, more thoughtful and passive. When I made terrible decisions, he never scolded me, never ridiculed me or blamed me (even though I'm sure it was my fault). Instead he would offer a comforting voice and an embrace for my troubles, something I didn't know I needed until he asked. And I discovered that he paid attention to me too. He knew my greatest fears, my aspirations, my passions, my habits. In a crowded room, he would know exactly where to find me.
He may have never been able to find the words, but in his actions, I knew exactly what he wanted to say. And when I was having a tough time with my medical health through the year (completely different side story), he came with me to my appointments and was always around to cry to. I always felt bad for using his presence that way, even now I have this overwhelming feeling in the back of my mind that I had unfairly trauma dumped on him and dragged him with me. But he always insisted to be involved, despite the many warnings I gave him. And before I knew it, and I know really shouldn't have, I got attached.
And then, I started to consider that maybe there were some things we did together that weren't exactly "just friends". We hold hands everywhere, held onto hugs for a lot longer than most people would, express the words I love you all the time. He kisses my cheek and forehead, calls me pretty and sweet and cute. I've eaten out to lunch twice and gone shopping with his parents who have expressed to me how much they like me. And during uni almost every day, we would stay at his or mine until 2-4am just taking a nap until waking up and realising we lived in separate rooms. It came to a point where my flatmates would joke about having an extra member to the flat and it was more of his room than mine.
And then somewhere in March, he went to go visit this girl he liked who liked him back, and when I saw him off at the train station, it immediately hit me. He wasn't mine to begin with. I was so invested in my own feelings I didn't even consider that at the end of the day, I was the other girl. I knew this girl knew of me from him, I know she doesn't like me. And if I'm honest, I wouldn't like me either if I were in her position. In her view, I am the girl best friend you hear from stories who overstepped her boundaries and got carried away. And I feel terrible for it.
I did speak about this with him, about establishing boundaries out of respect for her, but in his mind it was clear.
I was his sister in his eyes. It was how we explained our dynamic and that's what we would tell everyone, even despite the dating allegations. But (and this is why I'm posting on here), if I was really his sister, would he be doing all this?
There is no perfect advice for this situation. I've done what I needed to do and taken a step back. I know the most logical decision is to just drop our friendship and move on. But with what this guy and I have been through, the mutual friends we have and the fact I'm living with him next year - it's not something I can easily throw away.
I honestly just wanted to get it out and have some peace of mind, I'd be happy for anyone to comment as critical as it is.
I have nothing against this girl, I've met her once but never spoken to her. She does seem very sweet and mature. She didn't really talk to me and I respect and understand it is within her right to do what makes her comfortable.
To finalise, as much as I love my best friend. I don't think I could ever get around to being friends with her, and that's just my personal preference. I don't think I'll ever tell him how I truly feel, he doesn't need to know. And one day when him and this girl do end up dating, I know he'll treat her well, and I'm happy to support him and establish my distance from him. I know that with this summer coming, things will change when he goes back home to be with her. Maybe I really was a stand in or maybe I read into it too much. But as silly as it sounds, I'm glad that we made so many treasured memories.
Thank you for reading!
Reply 1
Original post
by AnonymousI was his sister in his eyes.
And one day when him and this girl do end up dating
And one day when him and this girl do end up dating
On the face of it, the notion that he thinks of you as a sister does sound a little ridiculous. But at the same time, you mentioned at the start of your post that there is a girl that he is interested in, but you didn't say that they were actually together. By the end of the post, it's clear that they're not. So in terms of you being the 'other girl', I don't think you are. And as it happens, if he hasn't made a move by now with you (or if something hasn't happened naturally, given how much time you spend together), he may well be entirely genuine when he says that he doesn't have romantic feelings for you, but either way, nothing has happened while both of you have been single. As much as I would understand this girl being wary of you if they were actually in a relationship, she has no right to be jealous or hold ill feeling towards you at all if she's not his girlfriend.
You haven't done anything wrong here. You have been extremely close to someone who you have now developed feelings for. Throughout that entire time, he hasn't been in a relationship so that is just flat out a non issue.
It's very mature of you to acknowledge that you'll gain some great memories out of this if the friendship doesn't go any further, but you also do have the experience of all of this, from both a friendship and romantic feelings perspective, to draw on later, and that is valuable too. As to where to go from here, that really is up to you. If you think that your friendship is incompatible with his impending relationship (though frankly, they need to get a move on with that), then make your own boundaries and put some distance between the two of you, even if it's only for the summer and then you can reassess next academic year. If the friendship is incompatible with your own feelings, then either ask him out or back away from the friendship. Ultimately, friendships strengthen, weaken, come and go all the time. This friendship has clearly been intense, but it has only lasted a matter of months. There's no telling how it will or could develop longer term.
Basically, I don't think there's any reason for you to criticise yourself at all. What you need to do is whatever is right for you. You are obviously mature enough to make a well considered decision on that. There isn't a right or wrong answer. Think on it and do what you think is best.
Reply 2
21
Don’t think you need to be hard on yourself as the other girl. It’s highly questionable if he hasn’t been leading you on to a shocking degree
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