Gcse english examiners/experts pls read

Can someone please read through my response, critically give feedback and perhaps give me a genuine mark out of 40 - my exam board is AQA , and it is an answer to p2 q5 (from June 2021 paper)
Fast fashion is costing us more than we might think.
The allure and hidden consequences of fast fashion.
Many of the youth have dabbled into cheap fashion in pursuit of finding clothing that is “trendy”, without being aware of the consequences that are manifold. This consistent pursuit of fast fashion has subsequently led to the less affluent youth working for meagre wages – slaving themselves endlessly; hoping to earn sufficient wages to support their struggling families.
Economic impacts and families
Despite the jovial feelings that the youth feel when purchasing cheap clothing, the poor proletariat feel otherwise. A report that was taken by the labour government in 2022 states that over 70% of the children that work in poor countries are unable to receive an education. The overexploitation of children has also consequently caused them to not seek future prospects- to be a doctor, lawyer, engineer – or any jobs that enable them to earn a sufficient income for their future offspring – creating a perpetuating cycle of poverty. This cycle of poverty absolutely needs to be destroyed – as this could also lead to emotional consequences. Is a T-shirt of £5 worth the plight of innocent children?
The emotional toll on families
Fast fashion is not only costing the less affluent youth socially but also emotionally. In 2014, a survey was taken in China on children that work in Neis (an international fast-fashion company) on the relationship they have with their families. Over 60% of the children stated they rarely had a chance to speak to them as the children are always working hard in the factory, not being able to see them. This highly underscores the dangerous impact that fast fashion has on our society. Many state that the act of kindness begins within family. If children are being forced to work in the fast fashion factory for lengthy hours, this could subsequently lead to anti-social behaviour, which can slowly but surely lead to crime. This additionally raises a question to the contemporary youth: “Is my love for fast fashion worth the destruction of innocent families?”
A better future:
Picture this. Many youths are buying clothes that are second-hand but are of extremely high quality. The children in the fast-fashion factories are working for fewer hours, allowing them to pursue an education, and receive a job of high income. This is the idyllic view of a fair society. If we collectively stop our consumption of fast fashion, this is what our society can potentially transform into. A society of everyone enjoying the same right and opportunities- the children in less affluent countries have greater time to pursue an education, the youth in the affluent countries can enjoy high quality clothing that does not come at the expense of harming others. Conscious Consumerism In order for this change, we should try to re-evaluate our choices when buying our "cheap" clothes. This can be done by doing research on the company on who is manufacturing the clothes, and if they are of high quality. By doing this, we are not only helping ourselves, but those that work in the fast-fashion industry, costing them less damage.

I think try not to use so many 'impressive' words and phrases - it seems like you don't fully know what they mean so it just comes across as not very well chosen. The words are also kind of out of line with the tone - which is supposed to be persuasive, they are more in line with like an academic paper, making it overly formal and just a bit convoluted

Do you think that this could vastly affect my score if I did this in the real thing?

No not vastly - but to get in top band don't you need a sustained tone? Examiner might not count it as that and put in band below (15-19). For vocab aswell maybe it'll be in the like one before top (like 10-13?) If they don't think the vocab is well chosen enough

could you please explain what sustained tone is and give me a small example of how I can achieve that in any type of writing (article, letter or speech)
sorry for the questions my exam is tomorrow

you need to have like the same message all the way through - yours was persuasive but using words like 'proletariat' and 'manifold' are more formal and academic examples of tone - it didn't help that some weren't used correctly either.

Can you give examples of the words I didn’t use correctly?