Toxic or not toxic friend?

I have a friend who indirectly shows off about her grades all the time... She basically like has a full on celebration if she does well in a test- only if like its just me sitting next to her- its not like im jealous lol-half the time Ive either got the same as her or higher and shes also rly clever.
She also shows off about how amazing she is in physics- like always saying how the teacher loves her and once was like 'apparently someone got 100 percent in the astro test- who do you think got it'- basically waiting for everyone to say- OFC YOU DID!! (btw it was me and I never told her about it because I don't like showing off I think its stupid).
The thing that annoys me is I won't show off if I got like the highest score but she goes on to make a massive deal of it and it just Kina is getting so annoying and toxic cuz she always says shes doing no work and gets so stressed before tests- I have to comfort her crying and freaking out before tests which used to make me feel really worried for her and then she comes out having aced the test leaving it to 'natural intelligence'
Im ranting so much but I feel I have no one to talk to - I am in a tight nit group of 4 and I can't fall out with her cuz its gonna affect the whole friendship and make school so awkward.
I feel like what I have said here hasn't really shown the extent of how academically toxic she is but I don't want to risk revealing any more so people don't recognise this.
Any advice??

Reply 1

HoldThisL

half the time Ive either got the same as her or higher and shes also rly clever

someone got 100 percent in the astro test ... btw it was me

I won't show off if I got like the highest score

It's fairly easy to show off (as you can see), either because you are happy with yourself and don't know how to phrase it or you don't realise how it sounds to others, but that doesn't make someone toxic

I think most people know at least someone like this. I wouldn't say they're trying to be annoying - most of them probably just weren't taught good manners by their parents

If you're tired of comforting her, then I'd say you should stop enabling her when she's making a scene otherwise she'll just keep doing it

Reply 2

Anonymous #2

Hey,

So I'm 19 and let me tell you something. I had a 10 girl friendgroup, now I have 3 close friends, and one of those 3 even passed away so It's technically just 2 now lol. I'm guessing you're in secondary, let me tell you right now those friendships, they hardly last forever. 2/3 of the close friends i mentioned are from secondary and that includes the one that passed away so even if it lasts through school, god can intervene and make it not last. so honestly dont put too much stress on yourself thinking "i cant fall out with this girl bc it will end my life" because life goes on and it only ends when god says so.

these kinds of friendships are so draining and i cut contact with many people over the years for similar things because why am i wasting my time that i could have spent on myself, consoling you because "you didnt study" then you ace the test. you clearly studied so dont pmo with your nonsense, yk what i mean.

basically what you have to do is start talking about how busy your life is getting, and make it a big deal. then slowly youre gonna stop replying to this girl as often. when shes texting you the day before an exam abt how shes gna fail, swipe the notification away and silence your phone and revise. dont pay attention to these people because they do it for attention. like academic pick mes lol. eventuallyu she will distance naturally without you being a villain because she will see that you are "busy".

trust me, stressing about keeping this friend is only gonna backfire on you and you will be the only one losing something from this because your peace of mind is so valueable and you need to keep it as much as you can because when you get to uni and become an adult etc, people will be 10x worse and you need to keep ur sanity for then.

idk if i even answered your question properly but trust me, it will be fine in the end. youre at an age where if you lose these friends it is only gods plan working out in your favour, and removing the toxicity in your life. i am at so much peace now with my 2 friends who dont know each other lol and focusing on me myself and i.

also, i have a girl like ur friend in my class who is trying to be my friend and i just give her the cold shoulder. idc if she thinks im rude because other people know im nice, she just likes to show off and im not paying international student fees for uni so that i can come and be impressed by some show off, im here to learn. and you are also in school to learn so focus on learning and getting those 100%s and ignore the showoff, and if your friendship ends then it ends.

love u <3

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

Original post

by HoldThisL

It's fairly easy to show off (as you can see), either because you are happy with yourself and don't know how to phrase it or you don't realise how it sounds to others, but that doesn't make someone toxic
I think most people know at least someone like this. I wouldn't say they're trying to be annoying - most of them probably just weren't taught good manners by their parents
If you're tired of comforting her, then I'd say you should stop enabling her when she's making a scene otherwise she'll just keep doing it

Yeah 😅 I see where your coming from- for me the toxic part is her lying about being so stressed before test and then going in and acing it- I have heard from others she never breaks down when Im not there and shes fine otherwise- she shes me as competition and its always a competition between us of who got higher- It is just getting tiring
thank you!

Reply 4

Crazy Jamie

I don't think there's anything even remotely toxic about this. Whether it's something you can tolerate or want to tolerate is a different issue, but it isn't toxic. Seems pretty clear to me that she's insecure, which explains the displays of emotion before and after tests, both of which are designed to garner attention. At this age pretty much everyone is going to have something like this, because you're all just messes of hormones and trying to figure out who you are, let alone how to interact with other people. Yes, these issues can be irritating to deal with, but it strikes me as a quite significant overreaction to question your friendship over it.

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

Original post

by Crazy Jamie

Yeah this is a really good point idk if I’m overreacting that’s why I’m asking but the thing to me that I call this behaviour toxic is that she only does this to me- not her best friend, none of the rest of us

Reply 6

Crazy Jamie

Original post

by Anonymous

We don't need to get bogged down in the semantics. I would consider toxic behaviour as something that can and probably should end a friendship or relationship, and something that is less justifiable in terms of the reasons behind it. I entirely understand your point about you being the only one that she does this to, and that's not an irrelevant consideration. It may not be a conscious decision to only do it with you. There could be any number of reasons behind it. But as I say, for me it doesn't sound nearly serious enough to end a friendship over. Friends, even best friends, do not need to get on all the time, agree with each other on everything, or never do things that annoy each other. It's just that as you get older you are more able to put these issues into perspective. A disagreement over something when you're a teenager can easily turn into a full blown drama. When you're older the same sort of issue can be something that you easily and more naturally move on from. You can try talking to her about this in a constructive and supportive way (rather than critical) way. But again, being entirely realistic, adults are generally better at doing that than teenagers are. You just need to make sure that you're approaching a conversation like that in the right way.

Reply 7

Anonymous #3

You should take into consideration whether you want to be friends with this person or not as it mostly sounds like you are making excuses. Over time these feelings may become larger or smaller. I recommend that you try to have a conversations with her about this so that she is aware of your feelings and how you do not wish to deal with this anymore.
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