I've been thinking a lot about my future recently. I'm autistic (and have ADHD, with a history of depressive and anxious tendencies), so I have a very clear plan of what i want to do in the upcoming years regarding my education and career etc. OR SO I THOUGHT! My mum recently started talking abotu the idea that I go on a gap year after my alevels (physics,maths and business). For reference, my original plan was that i go straight to uni - do an integrated mechanical engineering degree, which is five years as i want to do a year in industry, and then work my way in becoming a chartered engineer. i am a very driven, motivated student. i love studying and learning new things. however throighout year 12 i bhave gotten progressively more exhausted and "burnt out" as my mum would say. Initially, i was adamant i wouldnt go on a gap year for the reasons of:
- I absolutely love + crave structure and routine. If I went on a gap year, with substantially less strucutre and routine, would i go into a huge slump, feeling aimless or unmotivated simply because my days would lack that.
- Also, the degree i want to do is very academically vigorous, and I am worried that ill get out of my "flow", where other people on my course are going to be fresh out of sixth form, and will have all the alevel content fresh in their mind.
- Another thing (this is less relevant tho) is that i'm worried i will be embarrassingly older than eevrybody else, and it will be harder for me to make friends because of it.
- I am so ready to kick satrt my career. and become a chartered/professional engineer as soon as possible. A gap year would postpone this.
- i saw spemome post on here that a gap year is basically a cost of £60,000 because you are "sacrificing" a year of your potential professional career job's salary to take a year out
- another point relating to age: I am a girl, and i am worried that by the time i graduate with my masters if i took a gap year (age 24, in 2032), no employer will want me becayse i am too old or not useful anymore ebcause i am not young enough. (more hardcore internalised misogyny...)
However, there are also reasons that i think the gap year could be a good thing for me to do:
- I am very VERY close with my mother. We have been throigh a lot together, and so we are very connected. I would say that if i went to university next year, it would be epically hard for me and her both due to the support we give each other. Maybe its my autism, but we are truly like best friends. A gap year could help me to gain the independance i need to be away from her + my family, which i might not have come next september
- i would actually LOVE to learn + research maths without the pressure of being examined on my knowledge. I have always loved maths, and to be able to practice it in its "free form" would be beautiful. Also, I could teach myself some of the further maths alevel topics, which i have regretted not taking, but i have heard furthmaths a level is a big part of degree ;levek mechanical engineering.
- I would love to see the world. i am worried that, once i graduate, i will be ushered into tje world of work and so wont actually have this valuable time again to see what the world has to offer. I dont want to procrasticnate doing experiences and end up 80, wishing that i did things i said i would do "next eyar" etc.
- a gap year would give me time and space. A lot of the time, i feel like i have just been trying to keep my head above water during school years. Perhaps a year away from it could be a true break, and could help me to really find out what i want to do, what im interested in, and what i believe in
- going on from the last point, ansd this is very specific to me, but i want to find oiut what it would be like to unmask for a long period of time. I was diagnosed with autism when i was 12, but although i am now self aware of what masking is and how i exhibit that, i still on a daily basis - mostly at school - mask in order to save face ig lol. I have VERY deep rooted internalised ablism i think, and i hate telling people i have autism. It's a bit deal for me - the biggest example being my most recent relationship of 12 months, i didnt even tell him i had autism because i was so embarrassed. I guess i am just curious as to what my personality would be like if i was just free and okay to unmask unapologetically to the people i meet and come to love, where right now, i only can unmask in front of my mum and very very close family (in my house basically). I feel like if i went straught to university i would not get a space to breathe and perhaps would carry on masking for the enxt five years, then i might die of exhaustion lol and truly lose myself. the more i unmask, the more uncomfirtabe masking is, not just that i have ti do it, but that i feel like im lying to the people i mask and to myself.
- could have cool stories to tell people when i do go to uni, might help making friends!
- work for a bit and save money for university ( a five year course is NOT cheap!)
I dont know which points are more "valid" or which hold more weight, but i just want someone in my life to say "no youre right, you shouldnt because look you and your autism will be stunted and you wont be able to actually fulfill what you want to do", in order to snap me back into reality.
Its nice to think about, but realistically, i am worried about making tht jump, and that i will have to change my original plan for my near future (i hate change bros)
Obviously, i would apply in year 13 for my courses, but then just defer a year so i would have my place waiting for me (hopefully at the university of nottingham!) when i come back.
So, any thoughts? Please let the gods of the student room help me out here, im truly in a LOT of a pickle!