Friendship issues

Hi random internet strangers,

I have a friend group of 3 people (you probably know where this is going) and usually it's very shared out -- we all take turns in a conversation discussing our interests and I like to bake for them too. One of my friends (let's call him Daniel) I met on the first day of Sixth Form and I adopted him into my friend group, which was sort of fractured anyway for another reason. The other friend (let's call him Oliver) I've known for ages. Recently, Oliver has been acting really cold to me for no apparent reason and every time I try to mention it, he just shuts it down. It's clear that Oliver likes Daniel more than me because they hang out a lot and stay out after school (which I can only do occasionally because I live in a different town), but since I crave the feeling of being loved so much I trade my body in return for his attention. It's all well and good, but it's not healthy to build a relationship entirely off that. If i don't give him my body, he will act extremely condescending and it's gotten to the point where I would talk to Daniel about it, but Daniel doesn't want to start anything between us because he clearly isn't being affected by Oliver

Chat, what do I do?
Thank you,
Rorie <3

Reply 1

Crazy Jamie

Original post

by mr_4ny0n3

Chat, what do I do?

Are you looking for or expecting a different answer to "don't have sex with someone solely to get their attention"?

People within groups of friends will virtually never spend the same amount of time with or give the same attention to other members of the same group. But that is the nature of friendships, and they are always in flux. I've had a group of friends from school for over thirty years now, and there have been significant changes in the dynamics of that group over time. The guy who became my best man from that group is someone that I wasn't actually that close to in school, and we became closer during and after university. I've had years where I've barely spoken to one friend or another, and periods where I've spoken to them and/or seen them much more often. The fact that I consider everyone in this group as very good, and probably my best friends, doesn't avoid the inevitable fact that the nature of those friendships has changed over time. It's the same with any friendship. Sometimes groups or individual friendships fall apart entirely.

It is entirely understandable that you would be aware of and concerned by the perception of someone in the group being cold to you, or them preferring someone else's company over yours. These concerns tend to be more prominent when you're younger because you don't have the appreciation of how friendships naturally change. But even when you're younger, having sex with someone to gain their attention or strengthen a friendship is a bad idea. There will be plenty on here who say that you should only have sex with someone that you love. I don't happen to agree with that. I think having sex with someone because you want to have sex with them is enough, but this doesn't sound to me at all like a situation where you want to have sex with Oliver. You're doing it, as you say, for attention, and even with that being the case it doesn't sound like he's treating you very well. You really do need to stop that. No friendship is worth putting yourself in that situation. I'd suggest that it's a good idea to probably put some distance between yourself and Oliver entirely, and arranging to spend time with Daniel just as the two of you if you still want to pursue that. But as I say, friendships come and go. If this friendship group or these individual friendships have drifted away, that's fine. There will be others. Either way, it is not worth having sex to maintain a friendship. If you have to do that, you don't really have much of a friendship in the first place, let alone a relationship.

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