More of a vent

Sunshine, we've all been there.
As a student - you should be focussing on your courses, grades attainment, and whatever rocks your boat (besides guys and relationship dramas).
Your world might appear bigger than it is right now, but keep expanding your horizons, and you'll soon discover that newer lads will find you - and many may want to claim you going forward.
Become who your destined to be, and the right/appropriate fella will choose you (not the other way round)

Thank you for the kind words and advice, you don't know how much this has helped 🥲🙏

Hey everyone, this is just a little vent about a bit of my life which probably won't matter in the next month or so. I apologise in advance for any 'cringe' you may experience reading this 🫠
So there's this guy I've been friends with for like 5 years now. We've gone to the same school and everything and are currently both in the same sixth form. Last year September, I started to develop a little crush on him, which then led to being a big crush on him, like BIG but not crazy big. I would start to get shy around him etc but as that was happening we would also hang out a lot more alone (doing stuff in music, playing piano etc). And all of that was fun and everything. I soon found out that he might be seeing someone or is in some sort of a talking stage, so I tried my best to hang out with him less but still so he wouldn't think I didn't want to be his friend anymore cus I still wanted too.
Fast forward a bit and the thing about him seeing a girl becomes more of a rumour than an actual fact. I however realised the rumour must be true as I (regretfully) once opened his phone and saw her on his lock screen on what was already a bad day for me 😅. From then on I did my best to be in control of my feelings and not try and make any moves on him (not that I would even be able to even if he was single 😭).
Anyways, like a month or to later, I noticed we were starting to hang out a lot again like that early period in Sep - Dec and that he would be the one to ask to hang out (like to do stuff for music even when we didn't really need to). I'd just agree to go and not think much about it. Then one time when we were speaking with another friend together, the friend would start teasing him about the girl he was seeing to which he responded with "she's not my girl". I was confused and shocked at the same time cus obviously you don't have to share certain things with everyone but when people asked him would rarely ever deny it so idk if smh maybe happened between the times people asked and the friend's teasing but that was his response. I was at the middle of them as the conversation was happening so I made sure to do my ABSOLUTE BEST to keep my poker face on. Not specifically cus I was gonna be happy about that response (which I surprisingly wasn't) but more so because I could tell that the friend was searching for a reaction on my face 😭😭 He may have been suspicious of my crush but I don't really know 🥲
This is the part that kinda annoyed me the most I think. Well since I knew he didn't have a girlfriend know (or so assumed 😃) I felt a bit more free to hang out with him but still not making any big significant moves. While speaking to my friend about it, she was telling me how she thinks he might be having a crush on me too, which only feed my delusions. But we all know, delulu is not the solulu 😀 So I took the opinion lightly though other people were noticing a similar thing.
Anyways, I go on this trip for school but without my school. It's just me I'm having fun and me and him start texting more. I'm not very much of a texter myself, I prefer being face to face but I don't mind texting esp to check up on someone. Well on this trip I was texting him a lot and he was texting me but as not to seem desperate I would try and wait a few minutes before responding 😭 which sometimes would turn into hours cus I'd forget 😅 Well at this point it's been like 10 months ish since September when I first got the crush. So being myself I was like I need to know for sure if he likes or if I'm just playing with my emotions. So I text my friend if she could *subtly* ask him for me. She agrees so the next day I check up with her but she had forgotten. She then gets back to me telling me that he actually does have a girlfriend and that he himself told her that. This is still going on as I'm on my trip. It wasn't even that I felt angry or annoyed. I just felt very stupid for thinking he would acc like me like that and that smh more could happen. And Idek how to explain it but during that time we're he said "she's not my girl" to me being on the trip, he would give signs that I think would make almost anyone wonder of he had a crush on them 😭 Like PHYSICALLY getting closer to me, HUGGING me when I barely even hug my friends. Like there was this one time we're he was calling my name from a afar but I couldn't respond cus I was tired and my friend was a bit further up from me and he mistook my friend for me. But when she told him that I was behind her, he just past her, didn't even give her a hello even though they are friends too and came straight to hug me.
So once I came back from trip, I went back to sticking to my original plan: be close but not too close, so simply maintain the friendship you had before all this *stuff*. He still seems to get close, like this one time he came to join me and friends at the table at sat next to me as that was really the only available space but during that entire time I made sure to stay in my space and my mood even dropped (which I think now may have been too much and a bit mean 😭 but oh well 😀) That being said, I think he might be noticing me getting distant but idek
Anyways that's the end of what I really wanted to say, which in essence was that I feel stupid but yeah 🥲.
If you've read this far, you can give yourself a big pat on the back for enduring to read the 'drama' of 17 year old girl navigating life. Any opinions on it are welcomed and have a lovely day XX
Byeee 🌚