I cant cope with my anger at the world

in 2024 my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer, this was a complete shock. The day before I had finished my second term at uni and felt that life was really improving.
a month after I found out I had to go back to uni for the 3rd term , on the first day of that term my mum had a mastectomy . my uni is hundreds of miles from home and it doesn't do reading weeks so I wasn't able to see her for months.
this has been a common theme of the last year - I do everything alone. genetics appointment alone, a and e with suspected pneumonia alone . I'm not blaming my parents at all but I do have family who live like 40 miles from me and no one has visited me at any point .
also because my mum cant work money is tight and her and my dad are depressed.

uni is very stressful I'm so burned out at the end of last term I had to leave were I was living too weeks before the end of term . this coincided with coursework declines which I didn't manage to meet. the uni wasn't going to help but I managed to get a 4 day extension on one of my assessment's :/ . I cant explain how stressful this was I had no way to wash my clothes and was staying with anyone how could help me ( very grateful to my wonderful friends ).
I am back home for this summer I was going to go on holiday with a friend to somewhere in Europe ( haven't left the uk in 3 years ) but he changed his mind and wanted to go to Exmouth. he's gone on holiday today with his healthy middle class family.
I woke up to my mum vomiting from her treatment .

in a couple of weeks I'm going to see my aunt. I hate her I never want to see her again. she hasn't texted or rang me since I started uni. she lives near my uni and hasn't bothered with me once. While at uni I got really server flue and had a fever over 40 I had to go to A and E I spent all knight there in pain. she could have been there with me, I couldn't get out of bed for 10 days so I had nothing to eat no one helped me she could have . now I'm going to have to pretend I don't hate her.
lots of other stuff has happened , my mum might loose her job so we might have to move , my grandmother is currently dyeing ( she is starving herself to death to punish the family ) .

I'm so angry how do I stop feeling like this? ( sorry if this was impossible to read I'm very dyslexic)

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

I’m sorry that you’re going through this. It is a lot to deal with - especially on top of the inherent stress of uni that you are already going through. I think it might be worth contacting the pastoral supports at your university, even if just so somebody at the university knows what is going on, and may be able to set up some kind of support for you.

I don’t think that having anger at the world is inherently bad, especially when sad and scary things are happening. I know that persistent anger can feel tiring and overwhelming though, and can make you feel worse. In this case, maybe meditation could help? There are guided meditations on YouTube that some people I know use. Additionally, running or swimming might help? I find exercise helps let strong emotions pass through, if that makes sense.

My best wishes for you and your mother!