Girlfriend has been weird around me since starting at uni

My girlfriend is on freshers week and she's 2 hours away, everything was fine before she went away but now she's acting weird, a mutual friend who went with her she said told people she was single, my gf is adamant she never said this at all and her friend is stirring it. However she did admit she was tempted by a guy but said she could never betray me. However her so called friend then said after that my gf is planning to dump me but felt guilty, any advice? I dont know what to do, my head is a mess

Reply 1

Zarek

My advice would be get in with a preemptive dumping, I think you have the grounds. Your self esteem will be much better for it down the line. Alternatively talk it through, agree to an amicable break and try to bank some of the good times in to a friendship. Realistically few 6th form relationships survive a transition to uni and new love will come

Reply 2

StriderHort

It could be your friend stirring, but if they're a mutual friend what do you think? are they the type to stir or lie? Outside chance, but would your mutual friend have any interest in you breaking up?

Beyond that where do you see your relationship going forward? Obv she is going to be quite a distance away for a long time and would take quite a bit of money/time to meet regularly. Long distance is a thing many couples try but is very hard to balance, especially without a clear goal and uni versions of this often end :/

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

Original post

by StriderHort

It could be your friend stirring, but if they're a mutual friend what do you think? are they the type to stir or lie? Outside chance, but would your mutual friend have any interest in you breaking up?
Beyond that where do you see your relationship going forward? Obv she is going to be quite a distance away for a long time and would take quite a bit of money/time to meet regularly. Long distance is a thing many couples try but is very hard to balance, especially without a clear goal and uni versions of this often end :/

We had another argument this morning, this time i caught her out when she let slipped she did kiss another guy but then tried to claim it was just for a dare, she then said I am being too clingy and overreacting

Reply 4

Admit-One

Universities Forum Helper

It’s not clingy or overreacting to be upset that your GF kissed someone, regardless of the situation.

Up until that point this all just sounded like things you were hearing second hand, but I think you need to work out whether you can actually trust her from this point on. If not, knock it on the head.

Reply 5

Dunnig Kruger

You are being too clingy and you are over-reacting. From her point of view.

Put yourself in her shoes.

Even better, put yourself in her fairy godmother's shoes. If you were a wise magical being that was watching over her and appeared now and again to advise and guide her, with you having the perspective of thousands of people's experience, what would you say to her?

You'd say to her that she should look to develop herself as much as she can at uni.
You'd advise her that her time to enjoy life is now. And that her time at uni should be the joint best days of her life.
You'd tell her to live in the here and now. And that if she's presented with a man that's with her now, she should go on an adventure with him now. Instead of putting off that kind of adventure until Christmas, or until she gets a visit from her 6th form boyfriend.
You'd advise her that having the skills and ability to attract men is more important than whether she has a boyfriend at any particular time or not.
You'd advise her to make herself a free agent. And to inform her boyfriend in a diplomatic way that he is now a free agent.

When you really love someone, you want what's best for them. Even if this comes at the expense of short term comfort for you.
When you have a great relationship with someone, you set up win wins. And you avoid win losses. Treating her as a puppet whose strings you are pulling remotely is a win loss. A win for you. A loss for her.

There's also the psychology. The more freedom you give her to explore other men at uni, the more likely she is to come back to you. And the more likely she is to be honest to you about exactly what she's been up to.

Do not argue with her about kissing other men. Do not argue with her about going further than that with other men. Arguing about it makes you seem emotionally weak and therefore less attractive to her.
Thanking her sincerely for telling you about what she's been up to is the way to go. With you being honest about telling her how you feel about it, but being honest in a diplomatic way, such as telling her in a detached tone of voice as if you were talking about the feelings of someone else. Followed by you putting a positive spin on it by saying that it's great from her point of view that she's living uni life to the full, and developing as a person.
So that you have a productive, honest, loving, supportive conversation with her, instead of having an argument.

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

Original post

by Dunnig Kruger

You are being too clingy and you are over-reacting. From her point of view.
Put yourself in her shoes.
Even better, put yourself in her fairy godmother's shoes. If you were a wise magical being that was watching over her and appeared now and again to advise and guide her, with you having the perspective of thousands of people's experience, what would you say to her?
You'd say to her that she should look to develop herself as much as she can at uni.
You'd advise her that her time to enjoy life is now. And that her time at uni should be the joint best days of her life.
You'd tell her to live in the here and now. And that if she's presented with a man that's with her now, she should go on an adventure with him now. Instead of putting off that kind of adventure until Christmas, or until she gets a visit from her 6th form boyfriend.
You'd advise her that having the skills and ability to attract men is more important than whether she has a boyfriend at any particular time or not.
You'd advise her to make herself a free agent. And to inform her boyfriend in a diplomatic way that he is now a free agent.
When you really love someone, you want what's best for them. Even if this comes at the expense of short term comfort for you.
When you have a great relationship with someone, you set up win wins. And you avoid win losses. Treating her as a puppet whose strings you are pulling remotely is a win loss. A win for you. A loss for her.
There's also the psychology. The more freedom you give her to explore other men at uni, the more likely she is to come back to you. And the more likely she is to be honest to you about exactly what she's been up to.
Do not argue with her about kissing other men. Do not argue with her about going further than that with other men. Arguing about it makes you seem emotionally weak and therefore less attractive to her.
Thanking her sincerely for telling you about what she's been up to is the way to go. With you being honest about telling her how you feel about it, but being honest in a diplomatic way, such as telling her in a detached tone of voice as if you were talking about the feelings of someone else. Followed by you putting a positive spin on it by saying that it's great from her point of view that she's living uni life to the full, and developing as a person.
So that you have a productive, honest, loving, supportive conversation with her, instead of having an argument.

Are you nuts you are telling her to actually have sex with another guy while she's my girlfriend wtf

Reply 7

Dunnig Kruger

Original post

by Anonymous

Are you nuts you are telling her to actually have sex with another guy while she's my girlfriend wtf

I am NOT telling her to actually have sex with another guy whilst she's your EXCLUSIVE girlfriend.

I AM saying that it makes a lot of sense for either you or her or both of you to consider yourselves free agents now. With either or both of you informing each other about this change in the nature of your relationship.

If you were to make it clear to her that you're fine with her kissing other guys at uni, and that you'd be OK with her taking things further, that would be a diplomatic way of informing her that she is a free agent and that she should consider you a free agent too.

Given the context of her going away to uni this makes a lot of logical sense all round.
It makes far more sense than you arguing with her about kissing another guy.
What did you achieve by arguing with her? You pushed her away and you reduced her attraction towards you. And you also gave her some incentive for keeping things secret from you in future.