How can i help my friend

My friend is going through a really tough time right now with things that have happened in the past to her, but she is very much a “people pleaser” generally and is refusing to open up about things to anyone because she thinks she’ll be a burden, that she’s not a victim, etc. Recently when she had had some stuff to drink she opened up a lot to me and said some really worrying things that show she’s not in the best state of mind and blames herself for things but then said after she “doesn’t need to talk about it” Also I have suspicions she’s developing an eating disorder. I really am just stressed for her, and i’m trying to get her to open up to me or go see a counsellor or anything but I don’t know what to do. If it was really serious and I was worried for her physical wellbeing i would 100 percent report her to someone in order for her to get help but right now I think that’s the wrong thing to do as it might not help and would just teach her that she shouldn’t open up. Please does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this really difficult situation. Thanks

Reply 1

PAPYRUS HOPELINE

Official Rep

Hi there,

It sounds like you're doing an incredible job already having given your friend that space to talk when she felt able to, but we understand it can feel really difficult watching someone you care about struggle and wanting them to get the help they may need.

If your friend isn't feeling ready or able to reach out to someone for support right now, and is finding it hard to talk about things then it's generally very hard to force someone to do that. Your friend ideally needs to be in a place where they feel ready to take that step for themselves to ask for help.
However, that doesn't mean that you can't offer that reassurance that it's okay to talk, and that you're there if she wants to talk more (providing you feel able to offer that support).
Sometimes we'll recommend a conversation whereby you reflect your concerns back to your friend, let her know that you see that perhaps she's struggling at times but acknowledge that she might not be ready to talk right now. Give that reassurance that it's ok to reach out, and maybe just suggest some support options that she can have a think about when the time is right.
That could sound something like; "if you want to talk to a friend, I'm here for you and will try to support you as best I can. It might be an idea to think about talking to your GP or a service that could support you with your mental health if you feel you're struggling right now but I know you need to feel ready for that. If you're not sure though, sometimes people find it easier to talk to someone they don't know in a space that's confidential so I know of some services that could offer you that if you wanted to reach out..."

You could consider popping some details in a message to her so she has information on some helplines that she can use if or when she's ready - some examples of emotional support/listening services are:-
> Samaritans (116 123 - available 24/7)
> SANELine (0300 304 7000 - available 4pm - 10pm, every day)
> Childline [if your friend is age 19 or under] (0800 1111 or webchat via Childline 1-2-1 Counsellor chat - available 24/7)
> Nightline [if your friend is currently at University] ( Nightline - Find your University)

As you mentioned, if you were ever concerned for your friend's physical safety, we would always recommend trying to encourage her to reach out for the appropriate support herself, however it's also ok to be transparent about the limits to what you can keep to yourself and when your concerns may reach a point where you feel you have to share them with someone else to help make sure she's safe.
It's never easy making that choice, however if it's a question of making sure she is safe and if she's unable to get that help for herself then, while she may be upset, it might feel like the only option for you.
Having that chat beforehand might mean that it comes as less of a surprise if you did ever have to reach that decision, but it's often much more beneficial to try and work with someone to figure out what that support needs to look like and support them to reach out for it themselves.

We're unsure from your original post if this is a concern you have now, but if you're ever concerned that your friend may be struggling with thoughts of suicide, please know that HOPELINE247 are here to support not only young people who are having thoughts of suicide, but those concerned for someone too. We can offer further advice and support around having safe conversations about suicide and further support options where needed.
We're here 24/7 and you can call us on 0800 068 4141, text HOPE to 88247, email [email protected] or webchat via www.papyrus-uk.org.

We hope your friend is able to get the support she needs and deserves, however that looks for her.
Well done for how you've supported her so far, and please make sure you're looking after yourself throughout all of this too 💜