I cannot tell if my flatmate is mad at me or not

Hello, I wanted to preface this with as much context as I can. I moved into my university accommodation first and this flatmate arrived I believe second or third after me. The first time I introduced myself was briefly when she was moving in, then the second time was when I ordered extra pizza with my friend and the third was when we went to a fair together with my other friends from another uni. Everything seemed to be fine (even after my friends made some very odd suggestive comments) and we seemed to be having a good time but when I knocked on her door like I did beforehand with 2 of my other flatmates she turned down an offer to club (understandable as i think she is pretty introverted) then at the suggestion of my flatmates again they asked me to get her whatsapp for a group chat and she said she’d send it to me but she didn’t. I talked to her after in the kitchen and briefly apologised for knocking on her door a lot but the next day as me and my friend were going for a tesco run i knocked on all my flatmates doors again to ask if they wanted anything and she ignored my knock. I wasn’t really fussed about this until my flatmates pointed out the fact she seemed to be mad at me so I thought I’d ask other people. She also didn’t respond to my insta messages asking about pictures from the fair but I did ask in person and she said she didn’t really take any to begin with. I’m thinking I’ll probably leave her alone and make my flatmates try to bug her over the weekend but I honestly can’t tell if she’s mad at me or not.

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

I think that it sounds like she might need some time to herself, regardless of whether she's mad at you or not. If she's introverted like you say, then she may be struggling with the adjustment to uni due to all the new people and socialising. Additionally, like anyone, she might be feeling homesick and worried about uni, and it could be manifesting in this way.

I suggest giving her some time, and maybe she'll come to you. I think you and your other flatmates continuing to 'bug her' will likely make things worse as she clearly wants time to herself.

I can't say if she's mad at you, but if she is, I wouldn't take it too hard as the adjustment to uni will likely be adding to and worsening however she is feeling. You could, in a couple of days whenever you next see her (e.g., if she's in the kitchen), or by dropping her a message, apologise again, and say that you've not meant to upset her but completely understand if she feels that way. You could offer talk about some ground rules, like not disturbing her when she's in her room, for example, to avoid this sort of thing happening again.

She might also need a bit of time to come out of her shell. It is new people and a new environment after all.

Hope this helps 😊

Reply 2

Dunnig Kruger

Have you knocked on her door after 10 PM? At a time when she might be asleep or settling to sleep?
Has anything else happened that she might attribute to you, such as loud music being played or TV on loud between 10 PM and 8 AM? Or her sausages being nicked from the fridge?

Have you said anything that may have misinterpreted as a pass at her?

From what you've told us, you've done nothing wrong. It's worth checking that there's not more to it than what you've been able to tell us in one paragraph.
You've done a lot right. You've been friendly and sociable.
If you have done anything wrong, a simple a sincere apology with you saying you'll try to not let it happen again is the way to go. With you moving on from there is the way to go. When you live with someone you can get away with quite a few annoying things as long as you make up for it with your default state being friendly, sociable and supportive.

If you've done nothing of significance wrong, and nothing of significance could be misattributed to you, then even if she is upset at you, the problem isn't with you, it's with her. And you should carry on pretty much as you have been. With you maybe trying to have a heart to heart type, getting real conversation with her the next time you see her. One where you reveal some intimate stuff about yourself and see if she opens up a bit to you.
And maybe for the next week or so you could post notes under her door instead of knocking? Make sure they are polite, friendly, helpful, upbeat notes, with a date and time on. Nothing butt hurt. And nothing stalkerish. Take a photo of each note.

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

Original post

by Dunnig Kruger

Have you knocked on her door after 10 PM? At a time when she might be asleep or settling to sleep?
Has anything else happened that she might attribute to you, such as loud music being played or TV on loud between 10 PM and 8 AM? Or her sausages being nicked from the fridge?
Have you said anything that may have misinterpreted as a pass at her?
From what you've told us, you've done nothing wrong. It's worth checking that there's not more to it than what you've been able to tell us in one paragraph.
You've done a lot right. You've been friendly and sociable.
If you have done anything wrong, a simple a sincere apology with you saying you'll try to not let it happen again is the way to go. With you moving on from there is the way to go. When you live with someone you can get away with quite a few annoying things as long as you make up for it with your default state being friendly, sociable and supportive.
If you've done nothing of significance wrong, and nothing of significance could be misattributed to you, then even if she is upset at you, the problem isn't with you, it's with her. And you should carry on pretty much as you have been. With you maybe trying to have a heart to heart type, getting real conversation with her the next time you see her. One where you reveal some intimate stuff about yourself and see if she opens up a bit to you.
And maybe for the next week or so you could post notes under her door instead of knocking? Make sure they are polite, friendly, helpful, upbeat notes, with a date and time on. Nothing butt hurt. And nothing stalkerish. Take a photo of each note.

Ok these are a lot of questions to answer but I will try regardless. No I haven't it's always been before around 7-8pm. I play with my friends online sometimes after 8 but she said she's lived with engineering students before so it doesn't bother her and I believe she has headphones on most of the time. My friends were being a bit strange at the fair and when she couldn't find her card I paid for one of the rides we went on and some snacks and my friends said, and this is for posterities sake as I don't think she heard it 'W wingman' which I shut down immediately. They also 'conveniently' told us to meet between the 2 ferris wheels and weren't there but she didn't seem phased by any of this and was talking to me fine the next day and was only really mad when I knocked on her door with my flatmates. I also personally did not do anything that could be interpreted as a pass on her albeit intentionally more so as the situation. Although when we got back to the flat and she offered to pay me back for the ride and stuff I was TUCKERED out as I had to play tennis and walk around the fair the same day so I said it's fine and retreated to my room.

Reply 4

StriderHort

I'd give them a bit of time as this all sounds a bit much, just leave them be for a while. If someone is introverted that doesn't simply apply to the outside, it applies to shared housing too and at the end of the day not everyone wants to have a deep relationship with their flatmates, it's just somewhere to stay.

While I understand it's a helpful and social gesture, chapping my door every time you went to the shop or went out will wind me up pretty quick. I can be pretty introverted but I enjoy going out to clubs, gigs and parties etc, the introverted part is when I decide I've had enough and want my quiet space back and a door between me and everyone else, that's when repeatedly knocking, posting notes and generally hovering around my door will get a bad reaction.

Deffo leave their door alone for a while unless you need to talk to them. Don't put notes through either, that's worse, it makes it look like you're aware of the boundary but choosing to find a way past it rather than respect it.

Reply 5

Dunnig Kruger

Original post

by StriderHort

I'd give them a bit of time as this all sounds a bit much, just leave them be for a while. If someone is introverted that doesn't simply apply to the outside, it applies to shared housing too and at the end of the day not everyone wants to have a deep relationship with their flatmates, it's just somewhere to stay.
While I understand it's a helpful and social gesture, chapping my door every time you went to the shop or went out will wind me up pretty quick. I can be pretty introverted but I enjoy going out to clubs, gigs and parties etc, the introverted part is when I decide I've had enough and want my quiet space back and a door between me and everyone else, that's when repeatedly knocking, posting notes and generally hovering around my door will get a bad reaction.
Deffo leave their door alone for a while unless you need to talk to them. Don't put notes through either, that's worse, it makes it look like you're aware of the boundary but choosing to find a way past it rather than respect it.

I disagree completely on the notes under the door.

When I'm staying in a hotel or cruise ship I prefer the staff to put notes under my door to knocking on the door or phoning me.

It's all down to the contents of the notes and the frequency.
If several days have gone by without seeing her, it's fine to pass an appropriate note to her. That's worded in the right kind of way with the right kind of message.

Reply 6

StriderHort

Original post

by Dunnig Kruger

I disagree completely on the notes under the door.
When I'm staying in a hotel or cruise ship I prefer the staff to put notes under my door to knocking on the door or phoning me.
It's all down to the contents of the notes and the frequency.
If several days have gone by without seeing her, it's fine to pass an appropriate note to her. That's worded in the right kind of way with the right kind of message.

Hotels and cruises are commercial customer service situations with very different requirements and expectations, particularly in terms of communication.

The crew or staff of a venue have a professional obligation to customers wellbeing & safety etc, a flatmate doesn't and I'd be irritated if they started acting like they did.

Reply 7

Crazy Jamie

Original post

by Dunnig Kruger

It's all down to the contents of the notes and the frequency.

One would think it should also be down to the preferences of the person you're passing the notes to. It can both be true that a form or method of communication is objectively fine in a vacuum, but also that it is not suited to a particular situation or person. I agree with you that the OP has done anything objectively wrong here. There's nothing I can see to suggest that there has been any inappropriate behaviour at all. But that doesn't mean an introverted housemate can't be bothered by those actions, and it doesn't mean that the OP can carry on attempting to communicate when it seems that the housemate would rather they didn't. I agree with Strider that notes just make it look like the OP is trying to get around a clear boundary here. If it's not appropriate to knock, it's not appropriate to post notes either. We're right at the start of the academic year. This housemate may not only be introverted, but may be struggling in particular with adjusting to university life. There is plenty of time for the OP to speak with them and get to know them through the year. I think giving them a bit of time and allowing contact to happen on their terms is sensible at this point.