Friendship struggles
Hey everyone,
I’m 17 and I’ve been part of the same friend group for over 5 years. We’re all pretty similar, high-achieving, kind of popular girls from middle-to-upper class families, in a good school. We’re all similar in terms of looks too so it’s not a jealousy issue or anything. On paper, everything’s fine, but lately I’ve been feeling really left out.
It seems like everyone in the group is closer to each other than to me. They hang out, go to concerts go to after parties , and do stuff together and I usually find out afterward. They still invite me to birthdays or the occasional casual hangout, but it’s clear I’m not part of the “inner circle” anymore. They even have a gc without me .
What hurts is that I’m not any different , I’m not awkward, mean, or “uncool.” I’ve tried being friendly and putting in effort, but it’s not working. Sometimes I even feel like a few of them secretly don’t like me. I can’t prove it, but I get that vibe , like they’ll exchange certain looks mid-laugh or subtly leave me out of small things. Even little gestures, like remembering my birthday properly, sitting next to me, or holding the door ,just don’t happen anymore. They don’t even try to hide it . Like if they had to choose between me ! Their friend and a total stranger , they’d probably pick the stranger .
It’s so weird because we’re supposed to be a friend group, and yet I feel like the only one on the outside. Two girls in the group are genuinely nice and include me, but with the others… it’s like they’re done with me for reasons I don’t understand. I mean I am slightly newer than them in the group , but so are others in the group! There are people who joined after me!
To make it worse it’s a small group of 5-6 people.
Has anyone else been through this? How do you deal with feeling excluded from people who are supposed to be your close friends? Should I bring it up or just start distancing myself?
I really want to go cold and distance myself but I genuinely like them even if they have changed recently . I wanna have a genuine friendship, like the type where they hand out , hug and hold each other , go to each others houses , random hru texts and checking on me…. Why do I have to be the first to do any of these and no one does them to me…. I honestly never had genuine friendships , except for my one singular best friend from primary school .
I’m 17 and I’ve been part of the same friend group for over 5 years. We’re all pretty similar, high-achieving, kind of popular girls from middle-to-upper class families, in a good school. We’re all similar in terms of looks too so it’s not a jealousy issue or anything. On paper, everything’s fine, but lately I’ve been feeling really left out.
It seems like everyone in the group is closer to each other than to me. They hang out, go to concerts go to after parties , and do stuff together and I usually find out afterward. They still invite me to birthdays or the occasional casual hangout, but it’s clear I’m not part of the “inner circle” anymore. They even have a gc without me .
What hurts is that I’m not any different , I’m not awkward, mean, or “uncool.” I’ve tried being friendly and putting in effort, but it’s not working. Sometimes I even feel like a few of them secretly don’t like me. I can’t prove it, but I get that vibe , like they’ll exchange certain looks mid-laugh or subtly leave me out of small things. Even little gestures, like remembering my birthday properly, sitting next to me, or holding the door ,just don’t happen anymore. They don’t even try to hide it . Like if they had to choose between me ! Their friend and a total stranger , they’d probably pick the stranger .
It’s so weird because we’re supposed to be a friend group, and yet I feel like the only one on the outside. Two girls in the group are genuinely nice and include me, but with the others… it’s like they’re done with me for reasons I don’t understand. I mean I am slightly newer than them in the group , but so are others in the group! There are people who joined after me!
To make it worse it’s a small group of 5-6 people.
Has anyone else been through this? How do you deal with feeling excluded from people who are supposed to be your close friends? Should I bring it up or just start distancing myself?
I really want to go cold and distance myself but I genuinely like them even if they have changed recently . I wanna have a genuine friendship, like the type where they hand out , hug and hold each other , go to each others houses , random hru texts and checking on me…. Why do I have to be the first to do any of these and no one does them to me…. I honestly never had genuine friendships , except for my one singular best friend from primary school .
Reply 1
20
The pain other human beings to other human beings by words or exclusionary behaviour can sometimes be more hurtful than any physical pain. You sound to be a really kind and perceptive person and if you have noticed a change in the behaviour of some of the group toward you I do believe you are right. What to do about it is the question that is harder to answer.
The worst thing you could probably do is react and go cold and distant on the group. You may be wrong and they will point the finger at you for being miserable and stand offish. You then validate to the group that their behaviour is justified (if indeed it ever was!) You broadcast that you are no longer interested in them so it allows them to shut you out. The phrase ‘Mean Girls’ is never more apt. This sounds like it is about teenage girls flexing their muscles trying to gain a little power over others.
Sometimes it could be the simplest of reasons why someone doesn’t want to spend time with you, but then you still don’t know that for sure. Within your group there will be a leader, then a person who is joined to the hip to that leader (great leaders have to have a prop, they cannot act alone. Without someone like that they are weak) and then there is a group of hangers on. If you want to be part of the group you have to suck up to the others within that group or you are seen as a threat. If someone stood up for you when they were organising a night out and the leader says ‘no don’t bother’ then everyone in the group has to do that. That is how it works. The perceived power often comes from a clique having a night out and 'bigging it up’ afterwards to everyone who might be vaguely interested and will listen (and didn’t go) Look what you missed out on!! As if they had the most amazing time, the most amazing fun, the most amazing dance moves, the most amazing party blah blah blah blah. Do you get the act? Because the leaders of the group want power and want people to notice them, they can hire and fire so to speak.
So here is an antidote. If the group can do this to you they will do it to others. You have already noticed that not everyone in the group is like that. Focus on those two girls who you can chat to and have fun, and enjoy their company.
Do not change you. Be you. Just be kind approachable and focus on the people who do care for you. They will still be there. The group dynamics mean others will probably be kicked out and recirculate from time to time. You will be seen as stronger for forging your friendships if you can with others and not giving a hoot about them. Power is standing on your own two feet - and saying to yourself ‘your loss’ not mine and keep saying ‘I’m OK’ (even if you are not)
Your school is small fry in the grand scheme of things. Go a step out into the world. Look at the size of your town, then a city, the country and Internationally every country in the world. How many people are there out there that you have never seen or yet to met. There are people out there who will be on your wave length, share the same outlook, and be feeling the same as you. You can have far more influence on a one to one than in a group as a whole. So just remember - yes acknowledge what these other girls do but never rise to the bait and react. If you react you will give them more power. Hold onto your kindness and stay kind, just acknowledge you know what they are doing (yes it hurts) but hold it and remind yourself not everyone is like that. Your time will come and Karma always sorts out those who are unhappy or mean or unkind. You don’t need to do anything except treasure your family, and the two girls you can still chat to. They are your life raft in a bit of a stormy sea and in time you may find out what is going on in the lives of the rest of the group.
Keep going, stay focussed on what you need to study and down the line you will never look back. Ignore the behaviour of a few mean girls in a small group of girls and do your best to be happy. Be comfortable with your own company. Others will be interested to know how you manage to do this in the face of unkind behaviour from others, and you will be seen as stronger for it.
Find someone either at school or at home, family you can trust and talk to them about this. You can guarantee nearly everyone has experienced something similar, and see how they dealt with it. You will get through this, so keep going and good luck with your exams.
The worst thing you could probably do is react and go cold and distant on the group. You may be wrong and they will point the finger at you for being miserable and stand offish. You then validate to the group that their behaviour is justified (if indeed it ever was!) You broadcast that you are no longer interested in them so it allows them to shut you out. The phrase ‘Mean Girls’ is never more apt. This sounds like it is about teenage girls flexing their muscles trying to gain a little power over others.
Sometimes it could be the simplest of reasons why someone doesn’t want to spend time with you, but then you still don’t know that for sure. Within your group there will be a leader, then a person who is joined to the hip to that leader (great leaders have to have a prop, they cannot act alone. Without someone like that they are weak) and then there is a group of hangers on. If you want to be part of the group you have to suck up to the others within that group or you are seen as a threat. If someone stood up for you when they were organising a night out and the leader says ‘no don’t bother’ then everyone in the group has to do that. That is how it works. The perceived power often comes from a clique having a night out and 'bigging it up’ afterwards to everyone who might be vaguely interested and will listen (and didn’t go) Look what you missed out on!! As if they had the most amazing time, the most amazing fun, the most amazing dance moves, the most amazing party blah blah blah blah. Do you get the act? Because the leaders of the group want power and want people to notice them, they can hire and fire so to speak.
So here is an antidote. If the group can do this to you they will do it to others. You have already noticed that not everyone in the group is like that. Focus on those two girls who you can chat to and have fun, and enjoy their company.
Do not change you. Be you. Just be kind approachable and focus on the people who do care for you. They will still be there. The group dynamics mean others will probably be kicked out and recirculate from time to time. You will be seen as stronger for forging your friendships if you can with others and not giving a hoot about them. Power is standing on your own two feet - and saying to yourself ‘your loss’ not mine and keep saying ‘I’m OK’ (even if you are not)
Your school is small fry in the grand scheme of things. Go a step out into the world. Look at the size of your town, then a city, the country and Internationally every country in the world. How many people are there out there that you have never seen or yet to met. There are people out there who will be on your wave length, share the same outlook, and be feeling the same as you. You can have far more influence on a one to one than in a group as a whole. So just remember - yes acknowledge what these other girls do but never rise to the bait and react. If you react you will give them more power. Hold onto your kindness and stay kind, just acknowledge you know what they are doing (yes it hurts) but hold it and remind yourself not everyone is like that. Your time will come and Karma always sorts out those who are unhappy or mean or unkind. You don’t need to do anything except treasure your family, and the two girls you can still chat to. They are your life raft in a bit of a stormy sea and in time you may find out what is going on in the lives of the rest of the group.
Keep going, stay focussed on what you need to study and down the line you will never look back. Ignore the behaviour of a few mean girls in a small group of girls and do your best to be happy. Be comfortable with your own company. Others will be interested to know how you manage to do this in the face of unkind behaviour from others, and you will be seen as stronger for it.
Find someone either at school or at home, family you can trust and talk to them about this. You can guarantee nearly everyone has experienced something similar, and see how they dealt with it. You will get through this, so keep going and good luck with your exams.
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