Advice please

My bf and I have been dating for nearly 2 years. He’s had issues about telling people about our intimate life at the very start of our relationship, against my wishes.

He has this one friend, H. Him and H are friends but H is really horrible as a person. After an argument between me and my bf, H told my bf to break up with me in a genuinely disgusting way and my bf listened to his advice and nearly went through with it.
H is constantly going from girl to girl and sending certain pics and asking for them in return to these girls. (Literally 5 girls at once and changing them every week)
And him and my bf are texting and talking about this a lot. (Which I’m fine with as long as my bf isn’t cheating or getting influenced to do smth like that)

I’m supposed to to my bfs house in a couple days and we’ve been talking abt it.
I logged into his snap account this evening to save a picture of us from his memories and saw his chats with H.
(Ik I shouldn’t have snooped but I did because H has offered to send my bf nudes of other girls to him before)

So I went through the chats and saw they were talking about the intimate life of H.
Completely fine ig. And then there’s snaps and deleted snaps from my bf and H is commenting stuff which I think is about my bf and I’s intimate life. And my bf is commenting some questionable stuff abt the girls H is talking to (if she’s sending H nudes my bf says stuff like “as she should” and stuff)

I’ve previously told my bf NOT to talk to H about our intimate life multiple times so I’m guessing that’s why he was sending snaps to him instead of saying it on texts and deleting it
I’m scared to go over to his if we do something and he tells H at school the next day. I’m so sick of this (also H is SUCH a gossip)

I also feel like since he tried to fully dump me (idk how much influence H had over this) abt a month ago, I feel constantly insecure in our relationship and I can’t fully feel comfortable

Any help please.

Reply 1

ilovekuromi

Your feelings are totally valid—trust and privacy are super important in any relationship. It’s okay to set clear boundaries with your boyfriend about what you’re comfortable sharing, and it’s also okay to expect him to respect those boundaries. If he’s sharing private stuff with H and deleting messages, that’s a red flag. You deserve to feel safe and respected, not worried about your personal life being gossip fodder. It might help to have a calm, honest talk with your boyfriend about how this is affecting your trust and comfort. If he can’t respect your feelings, that’s something to seriously think about. Also, remember you don’t have to deal with gossip or drama from others—focus on what makes you feel secure and happy. You deserve that! If you want, I can help you think through what to say or how to handle this. I’m here for you girl

Reply 2

Dunnig Kruger

Dump your boyfriend.

As a general rule, if anyone tries to dump you, you should fully co-operate.
Because you want to be with someone that is committed enough to you that an attempted dumping by them doesn't come into the equation.

In addition, H is a sleazy immature guy. That has a large amount of influence over your boyfriend.
I wouldn't be surprised if your boyfriend were to take intimate photos of you when you're asleep and to pass them round.

You should assume that anything you do with your boyfriend is repeated to H, and possibly to others. With possible embellishments.

It seems that you're biggest failing in this relationship has been that you haven't set boundaries, and you've been too "nice" in a too agreeable and amenable and "people pleasing" kind of way.
Sheri Argov's classic book, Why Men Love *****es has lots of great advice that will tell you how you should be more assertive, whilst still being great company.