Social life in private accommodation

Hello, am a first year undergrad and am having issues living in private accommodation. I was unable to secure uni owned accommodation and this has been a complete nightmare for my first 6 weeks at uni, and has made me feel extremely depressed. I do not have a sociable flat, I accept that this is probably very common in uni owned accommodation flats too, and so it’s been hard to really do anything with my flat except try and keep out of each others way. My flat isn’t a million miles from other uni owned accommodation, but it’s just been really hard having the traditional university experience, I have really tried very hard with socialising with others but people seem to be more wrapped up in their flat groups etc…it just feels really awkward asking people if you can tag along to anything a flat is doing. It’s also made it much harder to make friends, despite my best efforts in joining a shedload of societies and going to events, just feels as if I cannot click with anyone (even after trying as hard as possible) and it has felt as if no one really wants anything to do with me once the night has ended. This has definitely affected my mental health and given me massive FOMO, as it has seriously felt isolating and I honestly feel like a bit of a wally telling people that I don’t live in uni accommodation.

Is there any advice that you could give me as to what else to do as I genuinely feel like I cannot build a social life at uni. My course isn’t the most sociable either, but again, for those who are it just feels as if their groups are already made and closed off.

Reply 1

Scotland Yard

Universities Forum Helper

Hello,

Just letting you know I changed the thread title to make it reflect slightly better what your post is about. And to answer you...

Uni social life can be a bit tough. It's not all roses as the popular conscience would have you believe, but you'll get there. My flatmates and myself got along cordially, but we didn't really go out much, and so eventually I managed to strike a friendship with the people from another flat in the same building, which became my main going out group, but that came with time. I also only really found "my crowd" in the second semester of first year... the point is, it takes time to find your people and to build these relationships, and you shouldn't beat yourself up about it. You're putting yourself out there, which is good, you just have to keep on trying, frustrating and lonesome as it might be. Trust me, it gets better after a while. You have to remember you've actually been there only for a month and a half, which isn't all that long actually, and you'll find your friends.

Reply 2

BCU Student Rep

Official Rep

Original post

by broadoaks

Hello, am a first year undergrad and am having issues living in private accommodation. I was unable to secure uni owned accommodation and this has been a complete nightmare for my first 6 weeks at uni, and has made me feel extremely depressed. I do not have a sociable flat, I accept that this is probably very common in uni owned accommodation flats too, and so it’s been hard to really do anything with my flat except try and keep out of each others way. My flat isn’t a million miles from other uni owned accommodation, but it’s just been really hard having the traditional university experience, I have really tried very hard with socialising with others but people seem to be more wrapped up in their flat groups etc…it just feels really awkward asking people if you can tag along to anything a flat is doing. It’s also made it much harder to make friends, despite my best efforts in joining a shedload of societies and going to events, just feels as if I cannot click with anyone (even after trying as hard as possible) and it has felt as if no one really wants anything to do with me once the night has ended. This has definitely affected my mental health and given me massive FOMO, as it has seriously felt isolating and I honestly feel like a bit of a wally telling people that I don’t live in uni accommodation.
Is there any advice that you could give me as to what else to do as I genuinely feel like I cannot build a social life at uni. My course isn’t the most sociable either, but again, for those who are it just feels as if their groups are already made and closed off.

Hey hey @broadoaks. Thank you for being so honest and I can hear how tough this has been for you and I really am sorry. However, I do promise you that you are not alone in feeling like this. It is great that you are reaching out because what you are experiencing can be turned around. I hope these little changes create a big turnaround for you:

This is not a you problem

Feeling that disconnect does not equate to you having done something wrong. I remember my first year was one of the loneliest transitions. I also thought people already had established friend groups, but I did soon later realise that a lot of people are still figuring things out too.

Not living in University Accommodation can make that feeling louder, but it does not have to lock you out of the university experience. It just means finding a few different routes to meet people!

Focusing on small connections

Instead of trying to be part of a big friendship group, building micro-connections first does wonders. I remember, I started to build with the people I see regularly in similar settings e.g. classroom, societies, library.

It can be nerve wracking at first to start that initial conversation, but a kind smile and a 'hello' actually goes a long way. These smaller interactions are what slowly build into real friendships, it just takes repetition and time. My now best friend I made in Uni bonded over how we liked each other's eye colour (totally random but surprisingly worked haha!).

Your accommodation

It is great that you are managing to coexist peacefully but I know how it can be really isolating.

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You could mention to the accommodation office that you are struggling socially and ask if there is a residents group chat or even just events they host where you could meet new people

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Try to use common areas therefore making it natural for you to bump into people without having to make it forced

Take care of your mental health

This can really take a toll on you so be sure to be taking care of yourself. Universities tend to have well-being services and if you feel as though you need to talk to someone, that is always a great place to start.

You deserve support, and using it does not make you weak.

And I know a lot of people say this, but genuinely give it time. Let's reframe the traditional university experience. Uni does not have one specific 'look'. Most people's experience ends up being different. It might not feel like it now, but the people you will click with, often come later in the year or second year when everyone has settled a bit more. You are on the right path!

I hope this was helpful and I wish you all the best. ☺️

Ru
BCU student rep.