Overlapping relationalship - Emotional Pain!
I was in a serious relational ship with a coworker for 2 years and 2 months. We both loved and cared for each other. We see everyday and we call everyday. Unfortunately, we broke up a week ago. We met at our workplace where we started as friends and eventually became close and entered into a relationship. The first few months were wonderful, but later on after a year, I expressed my concerns about the cultural differences and told her that I might not be able to marry her as my parents had some concerns whether she would be loyal and be with me forever. As I cared that much for her, I encouraged her to look for someone else so she wouldn’t be alone if my parents disapproved of our relationship.
During that time, she started dating again while staying with me and informed me about it, but we always we got back together as we have the strong emotional bond. I was also speaking with girls through matrimonial websites, but I wasn’t interested in anyone else because I still had feelings for her, and the feelings were mutual. While we were in the relationalship, she went on few dates with others, and I talked to few girls through online matrimony just for the sake for my parents, but we would both eventually cancel those plans and continue being together. This continued for another year. We had lot of off's and ON's in our realtionalship but we still tried to resolve the conflicts between us in a day or two.
In July this year while we were still together, she mentioned that she had met someone through a dating app but insisted he was just a friend. I believed her. By September, I asked her about this new guy, and she reassured me that he was only a friend and that her decision would depend on what I wanted. That day, I decided I wanted to commit to her and told her that I wanted to marry her and that we should stop looking for other people and I will convince my parents. She agreed and said she would talk to her parents to work things out.
However, later in first week of October, she told me all of a sudden that she didn’t think we should be together and wanted to pursue a relationship with the new guy whom she had previously referred to as just a friend. I was heartbroken and begged her to stay with me. The next day, I went to her house to talk, waiting outside for 45 min and calling her multiple times but didn't answer. Later after waiting for 45 min the door opened and I saw her with that guy besides her. She was surprised to see me there and asked what I was doing there. The guy stepped in and asked me if I wanted to talk to her, but I was too shocked to say anything.
Then she told him to repark his car and while he went out to re-park his car, she told me she wanted to be with him, and I should leave because she didn’t want to lose him over me. I was devastated and in tears. I then asked her if she had slept with him, and she admitted that he had stayed over. The guy returned after re-parking his car and asked if I wanted to say something, but I remained silent in tears and she kept saying that I should leave and she want's to be with him and She doesn't want to loose him. I was so heart broken and with teary eyes without saying anything I decided to leave. Before I walked away, he warned me not to do this again. I went to church and prayed to god. She then texted me asking if we can talk and she then tried to call me. I didn't pickup.
Later that night, she texted me, asking how I knew her location, which shocked and confused me. She then called to ask the same question. I responded, asking why she was asking this question, and told her that I had been at her place multiple times. However, she was trying to make me look like a liar, which made me so upset and I later came to know that guy is laying beside her and he is the one who really wants to know how I knew her location. He then took the phone from her and asked me for the dates I was there, so I mentioned to him all the times I was there and while I was mentioning she keeps saying to him that I am lying and then later ended the call and then Iater in the night to prove that I am telling truth, I had sent a chat screenshot to him confirming my visits. On seeing that he came to know she was lying got upset and angry with her and left that night from her place.
After he left, she called me to apologize and asked me not to disclose much things to the guy. The guy later texted me, seeking details, which I provided. From our conversation, I discovered that they had been in a relationship since August, and she had been lying to me the entire time as well as him. She had even sent me pictures claiming to be with her friend when, in reality, she was with him and was sleeping with him multiple times. The guy had no idea that I was in a relationship with her; she had told him we broke up long before. She then tried to be transparent with him and begged him to work out things with him. The next day when I saw her in the office, I mentioned to her that I can still accept her and let's forget the past. But she still continued to txt the guy begging him to work out things and be truthful. The guy accepted her to work on things. If I haven't met him, we both wouldn't even know these things she lied. Throughout our relationship, I never cheated on her; I had merely asked her to consider other options to keep her safe while still being with me, but we always came back together. Even though I was talking to few girls on matrimonial sites, it was mostly two or three call/ few texts and just formal communication and never in person. I was trying to delay my marriage because I wanted to be with her, and I expressed my desire to marry her in September. She didn’t mention anything at that time, and now I find myself alone while she is in relationship with the other guy. This is so unfair!!
Sorry if the post is so long. I feel so emotionally week and unable to eat, sleep and process everything what happened. I am trying to move on but it's so hard as I see her everyday in the office and we are like strangers.
During that time, she started dating again while staying with me and informed me about it, but we always we got back together as we have the strong emotional bond. I was also speaking with girls through matrimonial websites, but I wasn’t interested in anyone else because I still had feelings for her, and the feelings were mutual. While we were in the relationalship, she went on few dates with others, and I talked to few girls through online matrimony just for the sake for my parents, but we would both eventually cancel those plans and continue being together. This continued for another year. We had lot of off's and ON's in our realtionalship but we still tried to resolve the conflicts between us in a day or two.
In July this year while we were still together, she mentioned that she had met someone through a dating app but insisted he was just a friend. I believed her. By September, I asked her about this new guy, and she reassured me that he was only a friend and that her decision would depend on what I wanted. That day, I decided I wanted to commit to her and told her that I wanted to marry her and that we should stop looking for other people and I will convince my parents. She agreed and said she would talk to her parents to work things out.
However, later in first week of October, she told me all of a sudden that she didn’t think we should be together and wanted to pursue a relationship with the new guy whom she had previously referred to as just a friend. I was heartbroken and begged her to stay with me. The next day, I went to her house to talk, waiting outside for 45 min and calling her multiple times but didn't answer. Later after waiting for 45 min the door opened and I saw her with that guy besides her. She was surprised to see me there and asked what I was doing there. The guy stepped in and asked me if I wanted to talk to her, but I was too shocked to say anything.
Then she told him to repark his car and while he went out to re-park his car, she told me she wanted to be with him, and I should leave because she didn’t want to lose him over me. I was devastated and in tears. I then asked her if she had slept with him, and she admitted that he had stayed over. The guy returned after re-parking his car and asked if I wanted to say something, but I remained silent in tears and she kept saying that I should leave and she want's to be with him and She doesn't want to loose him. I was so heart broken and with teary eyes without saying anything I decided to leave. Before I walked away, he warned me not to do this again. I went to church and prayed to god. She then texted me asking if we can talk and she then tried to call me. I didn't pickup.
Later that night, she texted me, asking how I knew her location, which shocked and confused me. She then called to ask the same question. I responded, asking why she was asking this question, and told her that I had been at her place multiple times. However, she was trying to make me look like a liar, which made me so upset and I later came to know that guy is laying beside her and he is the one who really wants to know how I knew her location. He then took the phone from her and asked me for the dates I was there, so I mentioned to him all the times I was there and while I was mentioning she keeps saying to him that I am lying and then later ended the call and then Iater in the night to prove that I am telling truth, I had sent a chat screenshot to him confirming my visits. On seeing that he came to know she was lying got upset and angry with her and left that night from her place.
After he left, she called me to apologize and asked me not to disclose much things to the guy. The guy later texted me, seeking details, which I provided. From our conversation, I discovered that they had been in a relationship since August, and she had been lying to me the entire time as well as him. She had even sent me pictures claiming to be with her friend when, in reality, she was with him and was sleeping with him multiple times. The guy had no idea that I was in a relationship with her; she had told him we broke up long before. She then tried to be transparent with him and begged him to work out things with him. The next day when I saw her in the office, I mentioned to her that I can still accept her and let's forget the past. But she still continued to txt the guy begging him to work out things and be truthful. The guy accepted her to work on things. If I haven't met him, we both wouldn't even know these things she lied. Throughout our relationship, I never cheated on her; I had merely asked her to consider other options to keep her safe while still being with me, but we always came back together. Even though I was talking to few girls on matrimonial sites, it was mostly two or three call/ few texts and just formal communication and never in person. I was trying to delay my marriage because I wanted to be with her, and I expressed my desire to marry her in September. She didn’t mention anything at that time, and now I find myself alone while she is in relationship with the other guy. This is so unfair!!
Sorry if the post is so long. I feel so emotionally week and unable to eat, sleep and process everything what happened. I am trying to move on but it's so hard as I see her everyday in the office and we are like strangers.
Reply 1
This situation seems entirely fair to me. Because you "encouraged her to look for someone else so she wouldn’t be alone..." And "During that time, she started dating again while staying with me and informed me about it..."
You and her moved your relationship to a non-exclusive basis. With you both seeking new romantic partners.
It's just so happened that she's found a new partner sooner than you have.
So that the real issue here isn't the end of your relationship with her. It's your inability to get a new romantic partner. You've had several months since you moved to non-exclusive. And in that time a new woman hasn't come into the intimate side of your life. That's quite poor. You have experience with at least 1 woman. You've attracted at least 1 woman to fall in love with you in your past. You're not some complete noob at this! Get your skates on! And get another woman! You can do it!
At times of crisis, you should lean heavily on the logical half of your brain. Logic says: eat properly! Focus on eating more healthily than you ever have. Because there's a risk of you getting run-down (tired tetchy fatigued prone to catching viruses) now. And it makes sense to minimise or avoid that risk. Because your health and safety are more important than any relationship.
Reframe it in your mind that you're glad she's moved on. As you want the best for her.
Also reframe it as a great learning experience.
Going to her place uninvited and waiting outside for 45 minutes was a terrible move. Don't do that again. Not with her. Not with any woman. It just made you come across as a desperate / needy / stalker type.
Aim to have a proper professional relationship with her at work.
Aim to give her the impression that you're totally fine with how things have worked out.
The logical reality is that you should be at least as pleased as displeased with the whole situation. Because you have your freedom now! And she seems happy enough.
OK, there are some feelings that you can't help having now. What you can control is how you act in response to those feelings. Aim to act in the right way. Aim to act as if you are a very high value guy.
For the sleeping, it's no big deal if you miss a night's sleep - assuming you're not driving nor operating machinery when over-tired. Just catch up on your sleep the next night. And get by as best you can on the days when you're sleep-deprived.
Your parents sound like the sort that you should take no notice of when it comes to what they say about your girlfriends.
Because there's good and bad people in every culture. Judgement should be made of the individual. Which is easy enough to do - in most cases.
You and her moved your relationship to a non-exclusive basis. With you both seeking new romantic partners.
It's just so happened that she's found a new partner sooner than you have.
So that the real issue here isn't the end of your relationship with her. It's your inability to get a new romantic partner. You've had several months since you moved to non-exclusive. And in that time a new woman hasn't come into the intimate side of your life. That's quite poor. You have experience with at least 1 woman. You've attracted at least 1 woman to fall in love with you in your past. You're not some complete noob at this! Get your skates on! And get another woman! You can do it!
At times of crisis, you should lean heavily on the logical half of your brain. Logic says: eat properly! Focus on eating more healthily than you ever have. Because there's a risk of you getting run-down (tired tetchy fatigued prone to catching viruses) now. And it makes sense to minimise or avoid that risk. Because your health and safety are more important than any relationship.
Reframe it in your mind that you're glad she's moved on. As you want the best for her.
Also reframe it as a great learning experience.
Going to her place uninvited and waiting outside for 45 minutes was a terrible move. Don't do that again. Not with her. Not with any woman. It just made you come across as a desperate / needy / stalker type.
Aim to have a proper professional relationship with her at work.
Aim to give her the impression that you're totally fine with how things have worked out.
The logical reality is that you should be at least as pleased as displeased with the whole situation. Because you have your freedom now! And she seems happy enough.
OK, there are some feelings that you can't help having now. What you can control is how you act in response to those feelings. Aim to act in the right way. Aim to act as if you are a very high value guy.
For the sleeping, it's no big deal if you miss a night's sleep - assuming you're not driving nor operating machinery when over-tired. Just catch up on your sleep the next night. And get by as best you can on the days when you're sleep-deprived.
Your parents sound like the sort that you should take no notice of when it comes to what they say about your girlfriends.
Because there's good and bad people in every culture. Judgement should be made of the individual. Which is easy enough to do - in most cases.
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