Dating someone less intelligent

I’ve been seeing this girl for a few times. We met online. I go to uni, she doesn’t , and didn’t go to sixth form. She’s my type physically, she’s really into me , we’ve had physical intimacy, but I feel somethings missing. I generally like a girl to be of similar intelligence to me so we can discuss things like the news, history , which is my degree. She admits she isn’t smart. We don’t have much in common in interests. Can it work? Because I’m holding myself back right now because with my ex we had a lot in common in that we did the same degree etc, could have those conversations, but I’m not seeing it with this girl .

She admits she isn’t smart.

I’ve been seeing this girl for a few times. We met online. I go to uni, she doesn’t , and didn’t go to sixth form. She’s my type physically, she’s really into me , we’ve had physical intimacy, but I feel somethings missing. I generally like a girl to be of similar intelligence to me so we can discuss things like the news, history , which is my degree. She admits she isn’t smart. We don’t have much in common in interests. Can it work? Because I’m holding myself back right now because with my ex we had a lot in common in that we did the same degree etc, could have those conversations, but I’m not seeing it with this girl .

imo having a personal connection with someone is more important that physical attraction in relationships. at first, i wasn't full sexually attracted to my ex, i mean she isnt ugly at all, just didn't do much for me, but because i liked her personality, we got on great, and she became attractive to me idk and we dated for 6 months and it was so great (we broke up because she dropped out of uni but still "see eachother" when i go back home lmao ). that might just be lesbian relationships though, winners love winning!

Ugh. This was a tough line to read. Because instead of lifting her up and reassuring her on this, you agreed with her. No doubt because you're both assuming that intelligence is measured by a person's ability to retain and regurgitate information such that they can pass exams, when it absolutely isn't. You suggest that you want to be with someone who is intelligent enough to discuss things like news and history, but the ability to discuss those things is based on whether a person has an interest in them, not whether they are intelligent. You may not be able or want to have a conversation about what I studied, which is also the industry I now work in, but that doesn't mean you're not intelligent. My wife doesn't like talking to me about that stuff generally, but she's absolutely more intelligent than I am. Equally, I expect you'd have some great conversations with my father about history because he has a very keen interest in it, but he has literally no qualifications at all because he left school without them.

This issue isn't about intelligence. It's about general compatibility. Dunning is absolutely right that you don't need to be able to speak to your girlfriend about these things. A relationship is not a black and white measure of whether you like the same things as each other. My wife and I have watched television shows and films together, been to the theatre together, been to concerts together, and read the same books as each other. But we've also watched a lot of television shows and films that the other hasn't and doesn't want to see, have read books the other has no interest in, and have had a wide range of numerous other experiences with other people because the other person doesn't share that interest. Sometimes, we've met the other half way on an interest. My wife is an absolutely superb skier. I am very much not and a ski holiday was my idea of hell when we met, but we've recently been on a ski holiday with our kids to teach them how to ski, and I put the effort in to learn how to ski to a decent level so that I could meaningfully contribute to that. I won't be going on black slopes with my wife anytime soon, but I did have fun and, as a family, we had a fantastic time. There are endless examples of this sort of thing in relationships. Breaking it down to a binary assessment of whether someone is intelligent or not entirely misses the mark, and not just because you're almost certainly very wrong about how smart she is.

You need to do two things. The first is that rather than lamenting the things she doesn't want to talk to you about, find things you can talk about. Try talking about her interests. Beyond simple conversation, there are so many things you can do as a couple. Do some of them and see what those shared experiences do for your chemistry. You shouldn't just get out of the "if she can't talk about X with me she can't be my girlfriend" because it's pretty self centred. You should get out of it because it prevents you from enjoying experiences and company that you won't have if you just stay within the confines of your own interests. You might not turn out to be compatible, because not everyone is, but you can at least then make that assessment based on having a proper go at it, rather than assuming that to be the case because she doesn't share your interests.

The second thing you need to do is to take joy in the success and happiness of your partner, and encourage that success and happiness. That means that when a girlfriend says to you that she is not smart, you do not agree with her, even by remaining silent. Because that sort of statement is not a sign that she is not smart. It is a sign that she has low self esteem. As a boyfriend, your role is to support her with that, not reinforce it. I am being entirely serious when I say that reading that line made me genuinely sad. I'm not saying you're a bad person for not rebutting that, nor indeed are you for tying intelligence to someone not sharing your interests. I might have acted and thought the same when I was your age. Experience and maturity are playing a role here, and you can only have so much of either at university. But it is something you should reflect on and improve on. It will not only make you a better partner, but it'll make your partners happier and your relationships better. It's very much in your interests to get better at this.

I’ve been seeing this girl for a few times. We met online. I go to uni, she doesn’t , and didn’t go to sixth form. She’s my type physically, she’s really into me , we’ve had physical intimacy, but I feel somethings missing. I generally like a girl to be of similar intelligence to me so we can discuss things like the news, history , which is my degree. She admits she isn’t smart. We don’t have much in common in interests. Can it work? Because I’m holding myself back right now because with my ex we had a lot in common in that we did the same degree etc, could have those conversations, but I’m not seeing it with this girl .

I’ve been seeing this girl for a few times. We met online. I go to uni, she doesn’t , and didn’t go to sixth form. She’s my type physically, she’s really into me , we’ve had physical intimacy, but I feel somethings missing. I generally like a girl to be of similar intelligence to me so we can discuss things like the news, history , which is my degree. She admits she isn’t smart. We don’t have much in common in interests. Can it work? Because I’m holding myself back right now because with my ex we had a lot in common in that we did the same degree etc, could have those conversations, but I’m not seeing it with this girl .