Getting uncomfortable silence when participating at uni
I used to be very quiet, especially when I moved to the UK. I love sharing my opinions on things but for a long time I beat myself up very hard because I would not find the right words to express my thoughts correctly (in English literature/language for example) and I thought I'd better shut up because it interested no one.
This year at uni, I try to be a lot more social/participate because I stopped overthinking my interactions with people (and my English got significantly better). If a lecturer asks a question, or during a seminar in smaller groups, I will put my hand up. However, there is always this very awkward silence during or following, as if the lecturer asked the question only to be polite and not really because they expected an answer.
For example, my supervisor asked if we had any ideas for our upcoming project. I said my idea and it was quite related to a personal experience. And there was just complete silence in the room whilst she looked a bit astonished. This happened a couple of times, especially in group settings. I once shared that a member of my family is really into herbal remedies, that's why I could answer a question and that I knew a couple of things because I did my epq on it and have experienced it firsthand.
It never feels like people like it when you talk about how something relating to you personally and I don't see anything wrong with it, it's just an experience I want to share.
Or yesterday I went to a society meeting and said I just dropped by to say hi and wouldn't be able to stay but I just wanted to make an act of presence and meet people. Someone commented on my outfit and I said thank you I never know how to style it properly and then said I have to leave. When I closed the door behind me, I heard someone laughing and that made me very uncomfortable because that was a society I was keen on joining later on.
My question is: Is there anything wrong with the way I express my thoughts that make people around me uncomfortable or weird them out? Am I just cringe ?
This year at uni, I try to be a lot more social/participate because I stopped overthinking my interactions with people (and my English got significantly better). If a lecturer asks a question, or during a seminar in smaller groups, I will put my hand up. However, there is always this very awkward silence during or following, as if the lecturer asked the question only to be polite and not really because they expected an answer.
For example, my supervisor asked if we had any ideas for our upcoming project. I said my idea and it was quite related to a personal experience. And there was just complete silence in the room whilst she looked a bit astonished. This happened a couple of times, especially in group settings. I once shared that a member of my family is really into herbal remedies, that's why I could answer a question and that I knew a couple of things because I did my epq on it and have experienced it firsthand.
It never feels like people like it when you talk about how something relating to you personally and I don't see anything wrong with it, it's just an experience I want to share.
Or yesterday I went to a society meeting and said I just dropped by to say hi and wouldn't be able to stay but I just wanted to make an act of presence and meet people. Someone commented on my outfit and I said thank you I never know how to style it properly and then said I have to leave. When I closed the door behind me, I heard someone laughing and that made me very uncomfortable because that was a society I was keen on joining later on.
My question is: Is there anything wrong with the way I express my thoughts that make people around me uncomfortable or weird them out? Am I just cringe ?
I think the issue here is not that there are objectively uncomfortable silences or awkward interactions, but you are perceiving these interactions in a negative light when I suspect for others it's not really awkward or anything. For example, you have no idea if the person laughing in the society had anything to do with you or not. You are assuming the correlation of the laugh with your leaving after saying things implies a causal relationship between your actions and their laughing, when there's no way to know there was actually any causal relationship between that. For all you know, as you were leaving someone did or said something that person considered funny and it was completely unrelated.
Usually in seminars participation is expected, so they would not ask a question without expecting a response normally. It's hard to gauge exactly what the situation is with the other examples without having more specific information about what you said, what was asked, the specific context (i.e. during the lecture - at the start? In the middle? At the end? How many other students were in the lecture? How big was the lecture hall and were you able to be heard by all?). But as above I would not default assume some malicious or disingenuous intent on the part of the others and would encourage you to try and avoid overanalysing these situations.
If you find it difficult to stop thinking about these situations or it makes you feel extremely distressed even after you stop analysing it, you may find it helpful to speak to your GP about things too
Usually in seminars participation is expected, so they would not ask a question without expecting a response normally. It's hard to gauge exactly what the situation is with the other examples without having more specific information about what you said, what was asked, the specific context (i.e. during the lecture - at the start? In the middle? At the end? How many other students were in the lecture? How big was the lecture hall and were you able to be heard by all?). But as above I would not default assume some malicious or disingenuous intent on the part of the others and would encourage you to try and avoid overanalysing these situations.
If you find it difficult to stop thinking about these situations or it makes you feel extremely distressed even after you stop analysing it, you may find it helpful to speak to your GP about things too
Reply 2
13
Original post
by artful_loungerI think the issue here is not that there are objectively uncomfortable silences or awkward interactions, but you are perceiving these interactions in a negative light when I suspect for others it's not really awkward or anything. For example, you have no idea if the person laughing in the society had anything to do with you or not. You are assuming the correlation of the laugh with your leaving after saying things implies a causal relationship between your actions and their laughing, when there's no way to know there was actually any causal relationship between that. For all you know, as you were leaving someone did or said something that person considered funny and it was completely unrelated.
Usually in seminars participation is expected, so they would not ask a question without expecting a response normally. It's hard to gauge exactly what the situation is with the other examples without having more specific information about what you said, what was asked, the specific context (i.e. during the lecture - at the start? In the middle? At the end? How many other students were in the lecture? How big was the lecture hall and were you able to be heard by all?). But as above I would not default assume some malicious or disingenuous intent on the part of the others and would encourage you to try and avoid overanalysing these situations.
If you find it difficult to stop thinking about these situations or it makes you feel extremely distressed even after you stop analysing it, you may find it helpful to speak to your GP about things too
Usually in seminars participation is expected, so they would not ask a question without expecting a response normally. It's hard to gauge exactly what the situation is with the other examples without having more specific information about what you said, what was asked, the specific context (i.e. during the lecture - at the start? In the middle? At the end? How many other students were in the lecture? How big was the lecture hall and were you able to be heard by all?). But as above I would not default assume some malicious or disingenuous intent on the part of the others and would encourage you to try and avoid overanalysing these situations.
If you find it difficult to stop thinking about these situations or it makes you feel extremely distressed even after you stop analysing it, you may find it helpful to speak to your GP about things too
I am not the type that really overthinks everything but I repeatedly felt this way and it's not something I usually sense in a group setting. (For example with my family and friends) It usually happens when the group is around 10 people, otherwise if the room has a lot of people in it, I think you can't feel anything because there is so many people. I thought maybe it would be because I am perceived as slowing down things because usually questions are at the end of a specific explanation/seminar and people want to move on or go out . Or it might just be a cultural shock idk. Saying my opinion just always has this weird feeling around it.
Original post
by wilderoseI am not the type that really overthinks everything but I repeatedly felt this way and it's not something I usually sense in a group setting. (For example with my family and friends) It usually happens when the group is around 10 people, otherwise if the room has a lot of people in it, I think you can't feel anything because there is so many people. I thought maybe it would be because I am perceived as slowing down things because usually questions are at the end of a specific explanation/seminar and people want to move on or go out . Or it might just be a cultural shock idk. Saying my opinion just always has this weird feeling around it.
Remember that it's very different with family and friends because those are people you're already comfortable with and familiar with.
In any event, lectures usually you wouldn't be engaging in a discussion and expressing opinions (personal or academic) during the course of the lecture, so it might be a bit unusual in that situation - but again, it depends on the dynamic of your lecture group and lecturer. If you had a specific question in a lecture, you may find it fits into the flow of the lecture better to make a note of it when you think of it, then at the end ask it. You may also want to utilise your lecturer's office hours potentially as an alternative.
That said, for seminars usually the point is to develop a discussion. Note it's not usually the case that you are expressing a personal opinion during seminars per se, but rather to express an academic position which you hold (using relevant supporting evidence as applicable to your field). So do bear that in mind - if you're using purely anecdotal personal experiences to make points in academic discussions it might be people find it hard to engage with that on an academic level. If you are expressing your academic position though, then that's reasonable and it may simply be that you made a compelling point for example
Original post
by wilderoseI used to be very quiet, especially when I moved to the UK. I love sharing my opinions on things but for a long time I beat myself up very hard because I would not find the right words to express my thoughts correctly (in English literature/language for example) and I thought I'd better shut up because it interested no one.
This year at uni, I try to be a lot more social/participate because I stopped overthinking my interactions with people (and my English got significantly better). If a lecturer asks a question, or during a seminar in smaller groups, I will put my hand up. However, there is always this very awkward silence during or following, as if the lecturer asked the question only to be polite and not really because they expected an answer.
For example, my supervisor asked if we had any ideas for our upcoming project. I said my idea and it was quite related to a personal experience. And there was just complete silence in the room whilst she looked a bit astonished. This happened a couple of times, especially in group settings. I once shared that a member of my family is really into herbal remedies, that's why I could answer a question and that I knew a couple of things because I did my epq on it and have experienced it firsthand.
It never feels like people like it when you talk about how something relating to you personally and I don't see anything wrong with it, it's just an experience I want to share.
Or yesterday I went to a society meeting and said I just dropped by to say hi and wouldn't be able to stay but I just wanted to make an act of presence and meet people. Someone commented on my outfit and I said thank you I never know how to style it properly and then said I have to leave. When I closed the door behind me, I heard someone laughing and that made me very uncomfortable because that was a society I was keen on joining later on.
My question is: Is there anything wrong with the way I express my thoughts that make people around me uncomfortable or weird them out? Am I just cringe ?
This year at uni, I try to be a lot more social/participate because I stopped overthinking my interactions with people (and my English got significantly better). If a lecturer asks a question, or during a seminar in smaller groups, I will put my hand up. However, there is always this very awkward silence during or following, as if the lecturer asked the question only to be polite and not really because they expected an answer.
For example, my supervisor asked if we had any ideas for our upcoming project. I said my idea and it was quite related to a personal experience. And there was just complete silence in the room whilst she looked a bit astonished. This happened a couple of times, especially in group settings. I once shared that a member of my family is really into herbal remedies, that's why I could answer a question and that I knew a couple of things because I did my epq on it and have experienced it firsthand.
It never feels like people like it when you talk about how something relating to you personally and I don't see anything wrong with it, it's just an experience I want to share.
Or yesterday I went to a society meeting and said I just dropped by to say hi and wouldn't be able to stay but I just wanted to make an act of presence and meet people. Someone commented on my outfit and I said thank you I never know how to style it properly and then said I have to leave. When I closed the door behind me, I heard someone laughing and that made me very uncomfortable because that was a society I was keen on joining later on.
My question is: Is there anything wrong with the way I express my thoughts that make people around me uncomfortable or weird them out? Am I just cringe ?
Hi there,
It's great that you're trying to get involved at university and participating where you can. Having the confidence to put yourself out there is a great skill and I always say you get what you give with university, answering questions and engaging with the material is a great way to learn.
It's hard to gauge what is going on socially here without being there in the situation - and even then, we don't know what other's are thinking! The likelihood however is that it is nothing malicious or negative and honestly most of the time people are thinking far more about themselves and their own behaviour than anything else. In terms of your lectures/seminars, if your lecturer has asked a question then it is perfectly normal and encouraged that you would try to answer it. Providing it's related to the topic and aimed at furthering discussion then you are only doing what they have asked. It could be possible that they are asking rhetorical questions but this would be something to gauge at the time, are they looking expectant for an answer?
Reflecting on some of my own experiences in lectures, particularly in large groups or lecture halls, I've found it common for there to be a silence after questions are asked or answers are given but this is due to people searching for an answer themselves, trying to think and understand what's being said, or maybe even feeling a bit awkward and shy and hoping no one expects them to give an answer too! It can be very daunting to speak up in lectures and I know lots of people who feel very self-conscious and generally just want to hide in their seat, everyone's different and you never know what's really going through their minds.
If you have a lecturer or seminar leader who you feel comfortable approaching for a chat then I'd personally try asking them for their opinion on engaging in their lectures, particularly if they're one of the people you've had this experience with. Asking them what sort of conduct they expect and if the way you are answering their questions is what they're looking for in the session could give you some reassurance and open up some conversation around student engagement 😊
In terms of the society, hopefully it was just a coincidence with the laughing and not aimed at you. The important thing is you put yourself out there to try make friends and that's exactly what societies are there for. Try not to let it hold you back from getting involved and maybe give the society meeting another go. If you don't get a good vibe you don't have to go back, but I'd have thought they wouldn't want anyone to feel unwelcome 💝
Sounds like you're doing great at building on that confidence, keep at it 😄
All the best,
Becky
University of Salford Student Rep
Reply 5
Original post
by wilderoseI used to be very quiet, especially when I moved to the UK. I love sharing my opinions on things but for a long time I beat myself up very hard because I would not find the right words to express my thoughts correctly (in English literature/language for example) and I thought I'd better shut up because it interested no one.
This year at uni, I try to be a lot more social/participate because I stopped overthinking my interactions with people (and my English got significantly better). If a lecturer asks a question, or during a seminar in smaller groups, I will put my hand up. However, there is always this very awkward silence during or following, as if the lecturer asked the question only to be polite and not really because they expected an answer.
For example, my supervisor asked if we had any ideas for our upcoming project. I said my idea and it was quite related to a personal experience. And there was just complete silence in the room whilst she looked a bit astonished. This happened a couple of times, especially in group settings. I once shared that a member of my family is really into herbal remedies, that's why I could answer a question and that I knew a couple of things because I did my epq on it and have experienced it firsthand.
It never feels like people like it when you talk about how something relating to you personally and I don't see anything wrong with it, it's just an experience I want to share.
Or yesterday I went to a society meeting and said I just dropped by to say hi and wouldn't be able to stay but I just wanted to make an act of presence and meet people. Someone commented on my outfit and I said thank you I never know how to style it properly and then said I have to leave. When I closed the door behind me, I heard someone laughing and that made me very uncomfortable because that was a society I was keen on joining later on.
My question is: Is there anything wrong with the way I express my thoughts that make people around me uncomfortable or weird them out? Am I just cringe ?
This year at uni, I try to be a lot more social/participate because I stopped overthinking my interactions with people (and my English got significantly better). If a lecturer asks a question, or during a seminar in smaller groups, I will put my hand up. However, there is always this very awkward silence during or following, as if the lecturer asked the question only to be polite and not really because they expected an answer.
For example, my supervisor asked if we had any ideas for our upcoming project. I said my idea and it was quite related to a personal experience. And there was just complete silence in the room whilst she looked a bit astonished. This happened a couple of times, especially in group settings. I once shared that a member of my family is really into herbal remedies, that's why I could answer a question and that I knew a couple of things because I did my epq on it and have experienced it firsthand.
It never feels like people like it when you talk about how something relating to you personally and I don't see anything wrong with it, it's just an experience I want to share.
Or yesterday I went to a society meeting and said I just dropped by to say hi and wouldn't be able to stay but I just wanted to make an act of presence and meet people. Someone commented on my outfit and I said thank you I never know how to style it properly and then said I have to leave. When I closed the door behind me, I heard someone laughing and that made me very uncomfortable because that was a society I was keen on joining later on.
My question is: Is there anything wrong with the way I express my thoughts that make people around me uncomfortable or weird them out? Am I just cringe ?
You're not doing anything wrong and sometimes people are the way they are, but it has nothing to do with you. So don't worry and keep enjoying uni life. 😃
Reply 6
Original post
by wilderoseI used to be very quiet, especially when I moved to the UK. I love sharing my opinions on things but for a long time I beat myself up very hard because I would not find the right words to express my thoughts correctly (in English literature/language for example) and I thought I'd better shut up because it interested no one.
This year at uni, I try to be a lot more social/participate because I stopped overthinking my interactions with people (and my English got significantly better). If a lecturer asks a question, or during a seminar in smaller groups, I will put my hand up. However, there is always this very awkward silence during or following, as if the lecturer asked the question only to be polite and not really because they expected an answer.
For example, my supervisor asked if we had any ideas for our upcoming project. I said my idea and it was quite related to a personal experience. And there was just complete silence in the room whilst she looked a bit astonished. This happened a couple of times, especially in group settings. I once shared that a member of my family is really into herbal remedies, that's why I could answer a question and that I knew a couple of things because I did my epq on it and have experienced it firsthand.
It never feels like people like it when you talk about how something relating to you personally and I don't see anything wrong with it, it's just an experience I want to share.
Or yesterday I went to a society meeting and said I just dropped by to say hi and wouldn't be able to stay but I just wanted to make an act of presence and meet people. Someone commented on my outfit and I said thank you I never know how to style it properly and then said I have to leave. When I closed the door behind me, I heard someone laughing and that made me very uncomfortable because that was a society I was keen on joining later on.
My question is: Is there anything wrong with the way I express my thoughts that make people around me uncomfortable or weird them out? Am I just cringe ?
This year at uni, I try to be a lot more social/participate because I stopped overthinking my interactions with people (and my English got significantly better). If a lecturer asks a question, or during a seminar in smaller groups, I will put my hand up. However, there is always this very awkward silence during or following, as if the lecturer asked the question only to be polite and not really because they expected an answer.
For example, my supervisor asked if we had any ideas for our upcoming project. I said my idea and it was quite related to a personal experience. And there was just complete silence in the room whilst she looked a bit astonished. This happened a couple of times, especially in group settings. I once shared that a member of my family is really into herbal remedies, that's why I could answer a question and that I knew a couple of things because I did my epq on it and have experienced it firsthand.
It never feels like people like it when you talk about how something relating to you personally and I don't see anything wrong with it, it's just an experience I want to share.
Or yesterday I went to a society meeting and said I just dropped by to say hi and wouldn't be able to stay but I just wanted to make an act of presence and meet people. Someone commented on my outfit and I said thank you I never know how to style it properly and then said I have to leave. When I closed the door behind me, I heard someone laughing and that made me very uncomfortable because that was a society I was keen on joining later on.
My question is: Is there anything wrong with the way I express my thoughts that make people around me uncomfortable or weird them out? Am I just cringe ?
Hi @wilderose 🖐️
Hope you are well. I am sorry to hear you are feeling that way. Regarding asking and answering questions at university, that is a normal reaction to be honest. Lecture halls are filled with many students so they feel awkward to talk out loud in front of everyone hence the silence after you talk. Lecturers ask questions yes but sometimes they themselves are surprised you will talk considering it is very rare a student will talk in a lecture hall in front of everyone! Do not worry about this, you can keep asking and answering questions, if you feel as if it is uncomfortable for you still, feel free to just drop by their office to ask questions instead or slip them an email or a question on a forum if you have them 🙂
Society wise, that may just be culture shock. You do not know that they laughed at you, it could be for anything so dont stress about what it could be! You will be fine if you attend societies and talk to others!
Hope this helps put you at ease 😊
Essex Student Rep- Lavanya 💜
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