Muslim Brothers and Sisters Please

Salaam. I hope that you are all well and in the strongest of imaan and health. Sending my Duas to our Muslim Ummah and Community.
Long story short, I had went to perform Umrah last year in December 2024 with the Niyyah (Intention) of being able to have a Nikkah (Marriage) with a girl I first met in my workplace back in 2022. I had waited 3 and a half years that is almost 4 years for her since the subject of marriage was never bought up to her and I was the first ever boy to her that first met with the intention of marriage. Although it ended into a haram relationship due to the lengthy wait even though I told my mum, my dad eventually knew through my mum and her parents just failed to understand the message being perceived across we genuinely wanted to ensure there was barakah (blessing). And earlier this year when I came back from Umrah the turn of the year she said to me to end any form of meeting up, communicating to another. Ever since then I haven’t reached out to her, I will be honest I am suffering mentally because I feel sad, alone and empty because I fell so in love with her, I cared so much about her and I just wanted what’s best for her and I truly believed I could be the one for her. I have blocked her across all modes of communication although I have unblocked her recently though I still have not reached out to her even though the impulse urge's me to. And I know that what started haram ends haram yeah I know but in between then I have been doing everything to work on myself spiritually being consistent, on time with my 5 daily prayers. And I know I am not perfect. In that period of waiting I was doing the hard work required financially to just save the requirements of a simple small nikkah at a mosque and save to cover for her mehr demands (dowry). I am also doing everything I can to become more financially stable and secure by picking up more hours, doing double shifts looking for my graduate job even though I have struggled to find anything within this job market.
And my question to you my brothers and sisters and thank you to those who took the time and effort to read this because I truly appreciate it a lot, do I try reaching her when the time is right let’s say as an example just before Ramadan you know just greet her Khair Mubarak and just to find out how well she is, how well she is doing do you reckon her stance will change in getting married? After the long wait, I for one am seeking forgiveness for the relationship going down haram, and whether her thoughts will change? Because I love her so much, I care about her so much, I still care about her welfare, wellbeing and safety and whether she’s happy or not even though we don’t talk or see each other especially after tragic events that went on within my area of workplace to which she lives locally. And also seeing friends that struggled themselves convincing their parents in order for them to have their nikkah whether it’s cultural clash or not but for them to have finally overcome it what do you think?
Jazakallah Khair and Thank you Very Much.

Wa Alaikum Salam, brother. I read your story, and I’ve been through a similar situation. My parents and her parents were not ready either. I fought for seven years, and now the day has finally come. I’m still not financially stable and still struggling, but she is well-educated and has promised that everything will be fine, Insha’Allah (by the will of Allah).
Have faith in Allah. Financial situations don’t define a marriage, and if her parents—or even yours—are not agreeing, remember that Islam allows you to marry with your own free will. There are many examples of this.
If your relationship is genuine and your intentions are good, and she truly wants you, then she should also show some effort. In the end, you both have to live your life together. Her parents should understand that. And if they don’t, then she needs to make the choice that is best for both of you.

The thing is we no longer speak to one and other no more though. And I want to know if after a year of no contact will she have changed her mind on getting married because I want to marry her I always have she did but then she said it’s not right to meet, or to talk and that we should just let things go our separate ways. It’s nearly almost a year do you think her mind would have changed baring in mind I waited for her for so long and she’s practically led and played me then otherwise.

ummm, I think you should continue your efforts your efforts will bring results one day. So, don't loose hope have faith on God one day you she will change her mind too and will talk to you.

Speaking as an outsider (culturally), I would say it's not healthy to keep waiting and hoping that she will change her mind. It's been a year of no contact and from what you've said, she was fairly clear that she did not want to pursue things further.
Never a fun position, but ultimately it does not mean that you did anything wrong, or that things won't work out for you in the end.

Okay I’d like to give you this scenario what would you do if you happen to meet another girl again with the intention of marriage although she herself says she’s not ready to get married and her priorities is just focusing on her educational studies? Would you say that it’s worth waiting for her because at this minute I’m losing hope of finding someone for me myself to get married. I really don’t trust the arranged marriage route neither having to marry someone that I believe one way or another is a complete stranger because we wouldn’t have known each other which questions whether there’ll be unconditional love and within this generation the girls speak for themselves some just play and lead you on and break your trust and waste your time. Like to be honest culturally I don’t even want to marry a girl of my own culture yet my mother says I’ll have to.

I think you would have to make a judgement call based on what the person says and how they say it. Some people may be genuinely open to the idea of marriage after they have pursued their career or education for a time. Others may simply be being polite and not comfortable in delivering the news that sadly they don't have much interest in you.
If, for religious reasons, you are not allowed to have much interaction with the other person then this complicates matters - as you are trying to make a decision based on much less information. Again, as an outsider I perceive this to be a reason a lot of Muslims end up in these awkward holding patterns.

Okay I’d like to give you this scenario what would you do if you happen to meet another girl again with the intention of marriage although she herself says she’s not ready to get married and her priorities is just focusing on her educational studies? Would you say that it’s worth waiting for her because at this minute I’m losing hope of finding someone for me myself to get married. I really don’t trust the arranged marriage route neither having to marry someone that I believe one way or another is a complete stranger because we wouldn’t have known each other which questions whether there’ll be unconditional love and within this generation the girls speak for themselves some just play and lead you on and break your trust and waste your time. Like to be honest culturally I don’t even want to marry a girl of my own culture yet my mother says I’ll have to.

Your parents. Did they marry within their own culture? How did their marriage work out?
If I were looking to marry and I met a girl that said that she wasn't ready to marry, I'd put her on the back burner. I'd try to keep her in my social circle whilst I carried on looking for a woman to marry. I'd make it clear to the woman that I was looking to meet other women, whilst not throwing it in her face.
I would work on myself. Mainly my inner world. As a Kaizen type perpetual improvement regardless of whether I was married or not. The things I'd focus on mostly would depend on whether I was single, engaged or married.
As a single person I'd focus on improving how well I came over on initial meetings and early dates. As an engaged person I'd focus on improving how to motivate the other person to marry me. As a married person I'd focus on how to maintain the attraction and interest of my wife.
If someone broke contact with me, it would depend how they did it. If they did it in a hostile way I'd go my separate way and wish them all the best and never contact them again. If they did it in a friendly way, I might recontact them. If I got brushed off 3 times I'd give up or pretty much give up contacting them. Eg if they said "I'll get back to you and let you know when we can meet" and they never got back to me, I'd give up after reaching out to them 3 times.
Your time to enjoy life is now. You being alive is a wonderful, miraculous gift. One to be grateful for and to make the most of.
Go ahead and enjoy life now. Be content. Be positive.
Have the mindset that you're content being single. And you'd be content being engaged or married.
Keep asking yourself "What else?"
"What else could I do now?" If it's something better, do that.
"What else could I do apart from thinking about my ex?" If it's contacting her, do that. If you trying to meet someone else would be be better than you contacting your ex, do that.
If you trying to meet someone else via method B would be better than method A, use method B.
Be selective when it comes to whom you'd marry. Aim to marry once and marry right.

I’m flexible in the sense of allowing her to pursue her educational studies whilst waiting for her to be able to therefore get married? She’s not willing to open up and discuss. I have been respecting her by giving her own space to ensure there’s comfort and no awkwardness.

It does seem that space has caused the opposite though, it’s become awkward because you don’t know where you stand.
Obviously you don’t want to lovebomb anyone, but you have to interact with them.

My mum and dad married within their own culture. I’m pondering marrying outside my own culture. I mean I’ve not done that though. Neither do I contact the first girl anyways. Haven’t spoken to her in months.

How good is your parent's marriage now? Especially from your mum's point of view?
How great a life has she had?
If you've not spoken to the first girl in months, why think about her? Why start a thread about her?
Why not fill your mental capacity with other things in your life?
Such as maintaining or improving your physical and mental health.
Sorting out the money earning side of your life.
Meeting and interacting with new women.

When your mother says that you have to marry within your culture, you should ignore her. Look what happened to her marriage.
You don't have to justify your marriage decisions to your mum. Especially not when she's separated.
You're not placing a high enough value on your time. Thinking about your ex is a waste of time. Forging ahead and sorting out your money earning, your man to woman social skills, your relationship skills and you putting yourself out there are all productive uses of your time.
Keep asking yourself "What else?"
"What else can I do now apart from think about my ex?" If it's something better; do that!
You can be a far from perfect man and still have a lifelong loving relationship with someone. It's all about how wise you are at selecting who will be your partner and how wise you are - overall - at how you behave with your beloved.
There's an abundance of great women out there. So much so that the loss of any 1 woman is neither her nor there in the grand scheme of things.

Salaam. I hope that you are all well and in the strongest of imaan and health. Sending my Duas to our Muslim Ummah and Community.
Long story short, I had went to perform Umrah last year in December 2024 with the Niyyah (Intention) of being able to have a Nikkah (Marriage) with a girl I first met in my workplace back in 2022. I had waited 3 and a half years that is almost 4 years for her since the subject of marriage was never bought up to her and I was the first ever boy to her that first met with the intention of marriage. Although it ended into a haram relationship due to the lengthy wait even though I told my mum, my dad eventually knew through my mum and her parents just failed to understand the message being perceived across we genuinely wanted to ensure there was barakah (blessing). And earlier this year when I came back from Umrah the turn of the year she said to me to end any form of meeting up, communicating to another. Ever since then I haven’t reached out to her, I will be honest I am suffering mentally because I feel sad, alone and empty because I fell so in love with her, I cared so much about her and I just wanted what’s best for her and I truly believed I could be the one for her. I have blocked her across all modes of communication although I have unblocked her recently though I still have not reached out to her even though the impulse urge's me to. And I know that what started haram ends haram yeah I know but in between then I have been doing everything to work on myself spiritually being consistent, on time with my 5 daily prayers. And I know I am not perfect. In that period of waiting I was doing the hard work required financially to just save the requirements of a simple small nikkah at a mosque and save to cover for her mehr demands (dowry). I am also doing everything I can to become more financially stable and secure by picking up more hours, doing double shifts looking for my graduate job even though I have struggled to find anything within this job market.
And my question to you my brothers and sisters and thank you to those who took the time and effort to read this because I truly appreciate it a lot, do I try reaching her when the time is right let’s say as an example just before Ramadan you know just greet her Khair Mubarak and just to find out how well she is, how well she is doing do you reckon her stance will change in getting married? After the long wait, I for one am seeking forgiveness for the relationship going down haram, and whether her thoughts will change? Because I love her so much, I care about her so much, I still care about her welfare, wellbeing and safety and whether she’s happy or not even though we don’t talk or see each other especially after tragic events that went on within my area of workplace to which she lives locally. And also seeing friends that struggled themselves convincing their parents in order for them to have their nikkah whether it’s cultural clash or not but for them to have finally overcome it what do you think?
Jazakallah Khair and Thank you Very Much.

Wa Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh, my dear brother in Islam. Jazakallah Khair for sharing your story so openly; may Allah keep you steadfast in your imaan and grant you peace and strength during this challenging time. It sounds incredibly tough to have waited so long, worked so hard, and put so much of your heart into building a halal future, only to have it end this way, and your emotions of sadness and emptiness are completely valid. The strength you’ve shown in maintaining distance is commendable, and continuing this boundary is crucial for both your healing and respecting her decision to end communication, as reaching out—even with kind intentions like a "Khair Mubarak" greeting—might reopen wounds and cause unnecessary stress. You are doing everything right by focusing on yourself spiritually and financially, channeling your efforts into consistent prayer and hard work, which are building a strong foundation and actively seeking Allah's forgiveness after acknowledging past mistakes. Instead of trying to plan the perfect moment to reach out, the best action is to perform Salat al-Istikhara and trust in Allah's Qadr, knowing He closes doors for a reason, often to open much better ones you never imagined. My advice would be to continue the amazing work you are doing on yourself, keep praying, keep working hard, and keep making dua for guidance, trusting that Allah (SWT) is the Best of Planners and will ease your pain and grant you what is best. Stay strong, brother.