how to get your partner to be less controlling?

not going into detail since that makes all my threads quietly disappear (does he pay you guys or something) but anyway, is it even possible for someone to change in their adult life?

All people change however control is difficult to give up since one partner is likely to be more dominant than the other.
For your own relationship the reason is obvious, historic infidelity and issues mean that he likely (and justifiably) insecure and believes the correct way to protect the relationship is to retain as much control as possible.
If you want him to be less controlling, you basically need to make a rational case for why the terms of the relationship need to be amended.

not going into detail since that makes all my threads quietly disappear (does he pay you guys or something) but anyway, is it even possible for someone to change in their adult life?

i don't do any of that stuff anymore, i don't even leave the house on my own anymore, except to walk the dog, and he still gets mad when i do it at night.

From what you’ve shared, it sounds like you’re dealing with controlling behaviour that is making you uncomfortable, and you’re wondering whether an adult can actually change. Here’s the truth: yes, people can change — but only if they recognize the behaviour and genuinely want to work on it. You cannot force change, and it is not your responsibility to “fix” someone. The biggest thing is to set clear boundaries and tell them what specific behaviours are making you uncomfortable. Adults can change, but only if they genuinely want to and actually make an effort. Pay attention to how they react — if they get defensive, deny it, or keep doing the same things, that’s a sign the behaviour probably won’t change. You can communicate, but you’re not responsible for fixing them, and you’re allowed to leave if the relationship feels unhealthy.
Disclaimer: I'm assuming he's an adult, I could be wrong though so I apologize in advance.

It will always matter. As a man you should know that we never forget, once bitten, twice shy.
He has presumably forgiven you though so you need to speak.

i dont get it tbh. i wouldnt care that much, to me cheating is something purely physical (i mean one-offs, unless it's a long term affair obviously)

i dont get it tbh. i wouldnt care that much, to me cheating is something purely physical (i mean one-offs, unless it's a long term affair obviously)

Male psychology is territorial and if he believes in morality at all, he will view it as an act of disloyalty and betrayal.

yeah, idk, tsr removed my last thread with more specifics, so i'm not going to get into that.
the thing is, it was a long time ago, and now i basically never even leave the house anymore so idk what his problem is

The problem is that reducing or eliminating your opportunities to cheat doesn't actually repair the trust that has been lost through that cheating, and it doesn't repair the relationship. It's one of the reasons why cheating usually results in relationships breaking down. Honestly, it doesn't sound like the current situation is good for either of you, which I appreciate is not an uncommon view that people have taken of this relationship in the time that you've been making threads about it.

he's done way worse things to me, and i’ve easily forgiven him. i never even mention them during our fights, like he does with my past mistakes. but people on tsr always take his side and justify everything like he's a saint lol. you guys get on my nerves

"i never even mention them during our fights" ... just last week you were here saying you went on a huge trauma dump in from of his friends causing huge embarrassment?
The problem isn't really that people are taking his side, it's that it's impossible to take either of your sides, there's just been too much bad behaviour, resentment and violence from you both and no reasonable person would advise either of you to keep this relationship at this point.

i did, unfortunately, but the stuff i told them about wasn’t about my boyfriend. the stuff he’s done, while some of it was bad, sure, never actually traumatised me.
a lot of people on tsr absolutely always take his side, and saying “violence from you both” is pretty unfair too. the worst i ever did was slap him.

Slapping is absolutely violence, and slapping your partner is domestic violence. You repeatedly minimise your own behaviour because you don’t define it as X, because he has done worse, or because you think people on here take his side. Basically, you’re doing anything you can to not face your behaviour head on and address it.
I am by no means suggesting that he is innocent in all of this. He very clearly is not. But we have less of an insight into his mindset because he’s not the one making these threads and feeding us details. This is, whichever way you spin it, an unhealthy and destructive relationship that is well past the point where it needs to end. I don’t have any faith that it will, but even if it does, you have serious issues around your own behaviour that you need to address before you can hope to have a healthy, loving and trusting relationship with anyone.

There was a book I borrowed from my local library a while ago about how politicians, big corporations, mainstream media etc influence people. I can't remember the title of it. It was an eye-opening read.
The techniques covered in a good book on this subject would point you towards the best ways to try to get your partner to be less controlling.
Most of the techniques are down to frame control and pulling on emotional heart-strings.
A look at history will show you how entire nations have been mobilised towards a particular agenda by setting up a big threatening enemy in people's minds.
And a look at big corporate advertising will show you how you can sell huge amounts of junk food by associating your product with happy emotions and repeating the message over and over again.
Setting up a siege mentality may be the way to go. You and your boyfriend against the world!
The Derren Brown TV shows had a theme of using influencing techniques.
There's also the famous Milgram experiment that demonstrated the power of frame control combined with an authority figure.

i did, unfortunately, but the stuff i told them about wasn’t about my boyfriend. the stuff he’s done, while some of it was bad, sure, never actually traumatised me.
a lot of people on tsr absolutely always take his side, and saying “violence from you both” is pretty unfair too. the worst i ever did was slap him.

It absolutely is fair, I didn't even single either of you out.
Also I've always been consistent that your partner is an abusive violent PoS.