how to get your partner to be less controlling?

i did, unfortunately, but the stuff i told them about wasn’t about my boyfriend. the stuff he’s done, while some of it was bad, sure, never actually traumatised me.
a lot of people on tsr absolutely always take his side, and saying “violence from you both” is pretty unfair too. the worst i ever did was slap him.

In fairness, we only know how tedious you are.
Perhaps if he posted here we would have more sympathy for you.
As it is he is just a neutral NPC.

Slapping someone is violence.
Your arguments are so explosive that the neighbours called the police. Multiple times.
The umpteenth thread about the topic isn’t going to conjure up some disarming platitude to change the nature of the relationship. If either of you was going to reflect on your behaviour you would have done it by now.

i used to have way more power in this relationship when we first started dating, like it was my first non-toxic relationship. i could always get my way too.
but things just gradually went downhill, lol. he used to be pretty calm and collected, always so patient with me. idk, maybe i'm just a bad influence.

There's also the 6 to 24 month Honeymoon Phase.

i’m not violent though.
also, i disagree with calling him abusive, tbh. that’s really pushing it. short-tempered? sure

You have been. Slapping is violence and that's not open to debate.
Your partner is substantially more violent which is evidently a pattern of abuse and that's not open to debate either no matter how much you want to repeatedly downplay or change the labels to suit depending on your mood that day. Tbh who is more violent in the relationship isn't really the point, it's that violence is a pretty regular part of the relationship at all.
You're getting frustrated again because people keep reminding you of the things that you yourself told them, many times. Then you try to lash out at all of us as if we're making things up to gaslight you for.... reasons.