22 and a virgin, never dated, most I've done is kissed a girl
Im turning 23 in a couple months, never been in a rship. I am not deeping the situation, as I have reached the point where I don't care anymore. Only thing that I am concerned about is that if I do somehow start talking to a girl, how much of a turn off I'll be if I have no experience whatsoever? Like sex is a key part of any relationship, it'll be embarrasing for me if the girl has to teach me stuff when she's more experienced than me.
Reply 1
Original post
by AnonymousIm turning 23 in a couple months, never been in a rship. I am not deeping the situation, as I have reached the point where I don't care anymore. Only thing that I am concerned about is that if I do somehow start talking to a girl, how much of a turn off I'll be if I have no experience whatsoever? Like sex is a key part of any relationship, it'll be embarrasing for me if the girl has to teach me stuff when she's more experienced than me.
A mature partner will prize your authenticity over any practiced "performance
On sex: technique is easy to learn, while being present, attentive, and communicative are qualities that many experienced people lack.
A partner worth having will be delighted to explore with you.
You state that you "don't care anymore", yet you express concern about how you might be perceived. Perhaps there is emotional protection in that statement, and that is understandable.
The real question is: what is holding you back from putting yourself out there? Understanding the root of your hesitation may be more helpful than worrying about inexperience.
Ciao,
Sandro
Reply 2
Original post
by NitrotolueneAt 23, not having had relationships is more common than you think and says nothing about your worth. What really matters in a relationship is communication, mutual respect, and emotional intimacy, not past experience.
A mature partner will prize your authenticity over any practiced "performance
On sex: technique is easy to learn, while being present, attentive, and communicative are qualities that many experienced people lack.
A partner worth having will be delighted to explore with you.
You state that you "don't care anymore", yet you express concern about how you might be perceived. Perhaps there is emotional protection in that statement, and that is understandable.
The real question is: what is holding you back from putting yourself out there? Understanding the root of your hesitation may be more helpful than worrying about inexperience.
Ciao,
Sandro
A mature partner will prize your authenticity over any practiced "performance
On sex: technique is easy to learn, while being present, attentive, and communicative are qualities that many experienced people lack.
A partner worth having will be delighted to explore with you.
You state that you "don't care anymore", yet you express concern about how you might be perceived. Perhaps there is emotional protection in that statement, and that is understandable.
The real question is: what is holding you back from putting yourself out there? Understanding the root of your hesitation may be more helpful than worrying about inexperience.
Ciao,
Sandro
The last one year ive spoken to way too many girls in the hope that something will work out. Unfortunately nothing has and I just don't have the energy to be searching anymore.
Reply 3
21
You’re putting the cart before the horse, the thing to do is to find someone who wants to do it with you and everything falls in to place. As to the lack of success, I agree that it’s not so uncommon. The answer is not easy, it’s about resilience, keeping going and widening the search
Reply 4
Original post
by ZarekYou’re putting the cart before the horse, the thing to do is to find someone who wants to do it with you and everything falls in to place. As to the lack of success, I agree that it’s not so uncommon. The answer is not easy, it’s about resilience, keeping going and widening the search
Issue is finding someone and the longer i delay things the worse it's gonna get
Reply 5
21
Original post
by AnonymousIssue is finding someone and the longer i delay things the worse it's gonna get
You have a few years yet. There are people you find attractive whatever and people you can find attractive if they are positive about you. Widen your search to include more of the second category
Reply 6
I'm sensing that you're too concerned about things. Too uptight.
Being concerned about your first time in bed - to the extent that you mention it in an opening post - is a sign of that.
It's great to be an empathetic lover. And to get pleasure from giving your partner pleasure.
However, thinking about that at this stage is not living and Eckhart Tolle The Power Of Now type life.
Cross the first time making love bridge when you come to it.
Today, enjoy Christmas Eve with your friends or family.
The next time you go out, focus on enjoying yourself and spreading sunshine to the people around you.
This will probably involve a mental shift. To one where you take yourself and your interactions with attractive people less seriously.
Where you're less outcome dependent. And you take pleasure from talking with people. And pleasure from improving your man to woman social skills.
It sounds like the main issue is not finding someone. You've already met loads of someones. The main issue is you not fluffing your lines when you meet someone.
There's attractive ways to speak with and interact with women and there's unattractive ways.
Lightness and banter are good. Flirting and teasing as spice thrown into conversations is good. Not being needy, nor clingy is good. Dealing with their little tests well is good.
Little tests examples:
"Do you say that to all the girls?"
"What's that top you're wearing?"
"When did you last have a shave?"
"There's dirt under your finger-nails."
"You're a boring Engineer (or whatever it is you study or work as)"
The main thing is to not be reactive to their little tests. And not go into self qualification or justification mode...
Being concerned about your first time in bed - to the extent that you mention it in an opening post - is a sign of that.
It's great to be an empathetic lover. And to get pleasure from giving your partner pleasure.
However, thinking about that at this stage is not living and Eckhart Tolle The Power Of Now type life.
Cross the first time making love bridge when you come to it.
Today, enjoy Christmas Eve with your friends or family.
The next time you go out, focus on enjoying yourself and spreading sunshine to the people around you.
This will probably involve a mental shift. To one where you take yourself and your interactions with attractive people less seriously.
Where you're less outcome dependent. And you take pleasure from talking with people. And pleasure from improving your man to woman social skills.
It sounds like the main issue is not finding someone. You've already met loads of someones. The main issue is you not fluffing your lines when you meet someone.
There's attractive ways to speak with and interact with women and there's unattractive ways.
Lightness and banter are good. Flirting and teasing as spice thrown into conversations is good. Not being needy, nor clingy is good. Dealing with their little tests well is good.
Little tests examples:
"Do you say that to all the girls?"
"What's that top you're wearing?"
"When did you last have a shave?"
"There's dirt under your finger-nails."
"You're a boring Engineer (or whatever it is you study or work as)"
The main thing is to not be reactive to their little tests. And not go into self qualification or justification mode...
Reply 7
Maybe girls are sensing your desperation
Reply 8
Original post
by NitrotolueneAt 23, not having had relationships is more common than you think and says nothing about your worth. What really matters in a relationship is communication, mutual respect, and emotional intimacy, not past experience.
A mature partner will prize your authenticity over any practiced "performance
On sex: technique is easy to learn, while being present, attentive, and communicative are qualities that many experienced people lack.
A partner worth having will be delighted to explore with you.
You state that you "don't care anymore", yet you express concern about how you might be perceived. Perhaps there is emotional protection in that statement, and that is understandable.
The real question is: what is holding you back from putting yourself out there? Understanding the root of your hesitation may be more helpful than worrying about inexperience.
Ciao,
Sandro
A mature partner will prize your authenticity over any practiced "performance
On sex: technique is easy to learn, while being present, attentive, and communicative are qualities that many experienced people lack.
A partner worth having will be delighted to explore with you.
You state that you "don't care anymore", yet you express concern about how you might be perceived. Perhaps there is emotional protection in that statement, and that is understandable.
The real question is: what is holding you back from putting yourself out there? Understanding the root of your hesitation may be more helpful than worrying about inexperience.
Ciao,
Sandro
This. Take this advice. I'll sprinkle some extra on top.
People who have "a lot" (too much) of so called "experience", more often have insecure attachment styles or other disorders. This means that despite their 'experience', they often fail to be emotionally present or develop any genuine connection. This is why these people often fail to call back after you having sex with them, or the flip side, why you might not hear from them the next day. It's why their relationships are often very short and awful, and often involve either person cheating (perhaps even both of them).
A lot of people chase dopamine in their interactions with the opposite sex - which is a fancy way of saying that these are short-term encounters with little/no depth. Like a sugar rush. Empty calories. This is hardly 'good' for anyone.
I spoke with one girl once who bragged about being in 7 relationships that year. This is like bragging about having passed your driving test 7 times in one year - which shouldn't be necessary in the first place if you passed the first time. Is this really a 'flex' that some people use now? When did this sort of mentality become mainstream enough that people are literally showing it off? What the hell is wrong with our culture?
Don't listen to people like that girl I mentioned. There are a lot of diabolically idiotic perspectives and advice out there. Do not compare yourself to men and women like her.
Now... the opposite is often also true. People with little/no 'experience' also tend to have attachment problems or other mental health struggles, that sabotage their ability to be present and form connections with people. These types of people are just worse at hiding it from others and getting away with it in dating and hookups. Very likely, this is what you need to look into - instead of feeling bitter about lack of experience. And I do not mean "get better at hiding it" so you can get laid more easily - I instead mean fix the root cause. Work on your issues.
Reply 9
Original post
by DoomotronWhy is it so important that the OP loses their virginity?
Ciao,
Sandro
Reply 10
Original post
by NonIndigenousThis. Take this advice. I'll sprinkle some extra on top.
People who have "a lot" (too much) of so called "experience", more often have insecure attachment styles or other disorders. This means that despite their 'experience', they often fail to be emotionally present or develop any genuine connection. This is why these people often fail to call back after you having sex with them, or the flip side, why you might not hear from them the next day. It's why their relationships are often very short and awful, and often involve either person cheating (perhaps even both of them).
A lot of people chase dopamine in their interactions with the opposite sex - which is a fancy way of saying that these are short-term encounters with little/no depth. Like a sugar rush. Empty calories. This is hardly 'good' for anyone.
I spoke with one girl once who bragged about being in 7 relationships that year. This is like bragging about having passed your driving test 7 times in one year - which shouldn't be necessary in the first place if you passed the first time. Is this really a 'flex' that some people use now? When did this sort of mentality become mainstream enough that people are literally showing it off? What the hell is wrong with our culture?
Don't listen to people like that girl I mentioned. There are a lot of diabolically idiotic perspectives and advice out there. Do not compare yourself to men and women like her.
Now... the opposite is often also true. People with little/no 'experience' also tend to have attachment problems or other mental health struggles, that sabotage their ability to be present and form connections with people. These types of people are just worse at hiding it from others and getting away with it in dating and hookups. Very likely, this is what you need to look into - instead of feeling bitter about lack of experience. And I do not mean "get better at hiding it" so you can get laid more easily - I instead mean fix the root cause. Work on your issues.
People who have "a lot" (too much) of so called "experience", more often have insecure attachment styles or other disorders. This means that despite their 'experience', they often fail to be emotionally present or develop any genuine connection. This is why these people often fail to call back after you having sex with them, or the flip side, why you might not hear from them the next day. It's why their relationships are often very short and awful, and often involve either person cheating (perhaps even both of them).
A lot of people chase dopamine in their interactions with the opposite sex - which is a fancy way of saying that these are short-term encounters with little/no depth. Like a sugar rush. Empty calories. This is hardly 'good' for anyone.
I spoke with one girl once who bragged about being in 7 relationships that year. This is like bragging about having passed your driving test 7 times in one year - which shouldn't be necessary in the first place if you passed the first time. Is this really a 'flex' that some people use now? When did this sort of mentality become mainstream enough that people are literally showing it off? What the hell is wrong with our culture?
Don't listen to people like that girl I mentioned. There are a lot of diabolically idiotic perspectives and advice out there. Do not compare yourself to men and women like her.
Now... the opposite is often also true. People with little/no 'experience' also tend to have attachment problems or other mental health struggles, that sabotage their ability to be present and form connections with people. These types of people are just worse at hiding it from others and getting away with it in dating and hookups. Very likely, this is what you need to look into - instead of feeling bitter about lack of experience. And I do not mean "get better at hiding it" so you can get laid more easily - I instead mean fix the root cause. Work on your issues.
The 7 relations in a year girl. Good for her for being open and honest about it. The number of relations she's had in a year is a more interesting conversation topic than what she's studying or working as. It's more interesting than politics or current events or the weather.
She may be the sort of woman that would make a fantastic girlfriend or wife. Or she may be a nightmare. Or somewhere inbetween.
Reply 11
Original post
by Dunnig KrugerThe 7 relations in a year girl. Good for her for being open and honest about it. The number of relations she's had in a year is a more interesting conversation topic than what she's studying or working as. It's more interesting than politics or current events or the weather.
She may be the sort of woman that would make a fantastic girlfriend or wife. Or she may be a nightmare. Or somewhere inbetween.
She may be the sort of woman that would make a fantastic girlfriend or wife. Or she may be a nightmare. Or somewhere inbetween.
However, this was literally a new year's party and she was sharing what new year's resolutions she's succeeded with. It was literally a flex. I didn't enquire into details that time.
I don't feel like getting into the weeds of short vs. long term relationships, why one is likely better than the other, etc. In my my vocabulary, anything shorter than 3 months is barely a 'relationship' in the first place (unless you're like 14 years old, because time works differently for them). Other similar conversations I've had with others on similar topics later revealed that for instance those weren't in fact 'relationships' at all, but they were just dating or maybe hooked up once, found it awkward, then ghosted. My broad point there is... more often than not it is an incredibly messy lifestyle, where the people directly partaking in it themselves often don't even know what to call it.
And that is specifically the part that I've often found offensive. These types of people are rarely mindful of the effect they have on others when dating. They take little care for instance with the language they use, they say things they don't mean, then either forget or pretend they never said those things in the first place, and then often expect their friends to cover for them. Promising to introduce their 'partner' to their parents, then never doing it. Making plans, then failing on those. Typical stuff.
I urge anyone considering such a lifestyle, to reconsider.
You can do hook-ups and short term relationships, without causing other people emotional havoc. But it is difficult, because developing the depth and trust required for that normally takes time and communication. And the more time you take to get to know someone, the less it starts looking like a 'hook-up' or short term relationship, and the more it starts to look like a longer term one.
Alas, some people simply thrive on this sort of drama. I don't anymore. Hence I felt little urge to ask that girl at the NY's party to expand on her experiences. Most of my friends are in stable relationships, or transitioning into one. I just get along with those people better. Fewer problems to deal with. Fewer homeless people. Fewer crazy exes or stalkers that require an 'intervention' either by the police or myself, etc.
Although I do like helping people, some types of people can't even help themselves. You can show them 'left' from 'right' and they will still choose 'left' despite knowing it is bad for them and admitting it, because they have a chemical imbalance in their brains that is running the show. I'm literally not qualified to deal with this or prescribe people like this the meds that they probably need. Eventually I just get frustrated.
(edited 1 month ago)
Reply 12
Original post
by AnonymousIm turning 23 in a couple months, never been in a rship. I am not deeping the situation, as I have reached the point where I don't care anymore. Only thing that I am concerned about is that if I do somehow start talking to a girl, how much of a turn off I'll be if I have no experience whatsoever? Like sex is a key part of any relationship, it'll be embarrasing for me if the girl has to teach me stuff when she's more experienced than me.
If you love a woman and she loves you in return she'll be happy anyway.
Reply 13
I don't think being innexpirienced is a turn off i actually find it more interesting and intimate
Reply 14
i think cases like this are on the rise
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