starting a relationship alongside my degree...

I’m looking for some advice. I started a new relationship about a month ago, and I’m also studying at uni. I’ve noticed I feel guilty in both directions — when I want time alone to do uni work (I work best privately and usually need a couple of days like this), I feel guilty for not spending time with him. But when I’m with him, I feel guilty that I should be doing uni work.

Has anyone else felt this balance guilt? How do you manage time, boundaries, and expectations without feeling like you’re letting someone down?

Reply 1

NonIndigenous

I am very similar. I am not very good at constant messaging and it kind of annoys me because it throttles my concentration and focus. You need to be clear with him about it, that this is how you work most effectively, and that it is in no way a sign of you disengaging from your relationship. And you need to also be consistent about it, and not simply contact him whenever you so happen to feel the impulse or have a spare minute. If you agree to speak / meet up every 2 days, then stick to it. I've found that most women are frankly appalling at this and just blame men for either making them feel or not feel a certain way. Probably a lot of men are also terrible at it, but I'm not gay so it's not something I've experienced from men.

And he needs to accept it about you. If he gets weird about it, then to be honest, it probably will not work between the two of you. Anxiously attached people are bad at spending time alone. If he is the 'anxiously attached' type, the chances are he will start feeling insecure and either give you a headache about it or start entertaining other women in your absence, or both.

Disclaimer: it is more often women who experience anxious attachment, actually. But it can be either gender. There are various attachment types. Worth familiarising yourself with this to help understand what you are likely dealing with and how to.

Reply 2

missg005

Original post

by NonIndigenous

I am very similar. I am not very good at constant messaging and it kind of annoys me because it throttles my concentration and focus. You need to be clear with him about it, that this is how you work most effectively, and that it is in no way a sign of you disengaging from your relationship. And you need to also be consistent about it, and not simply contact him whenever you so happen to feel the impulse or have a spare minute. If you agree to speak / meet up every 2 days, then stick to it. I've found that most women are frankly appalling at this and just blame men for either making them feel or not feel a certain way. Probably a lot of men are also terrible at it, but I'm not gay so it's not something I've experienced from men.
And he needs to accept it about you. If he gets weird about it, then to be honest, it probably will not work between the two of you. Anxiously attached people are bad at spending time alone. If he is the 'anxiously attached' type, the chances are he will start feeling insecure and either give you a headache about it or start entertaining other women in your absence, or both.
Disclaimer: it is more often women who experience anxious attachment, actually. But it can be either gender. There are various attachment types. Worth familiarising yourself with this to help understand what you are likely dealing with and how to.

i really appreciate this x thank you!

Reply 3

artful_lounger

Universities Forum Helper

One way to help with the "guilt" of not doing uni work when doing literally anything else instead is to try and treat uni like a full time job (which to be fair, is what they expect you to be doing anyway).

Get up a set time every day, go to campus and "clock in", then work on campus throughout the day (going to lectures and other timetabled activities as and when they arrive), until you "clock off" at the end of the day. Then you know you've already spent however long (5-7 hours or whatever including timetabled activities) on your studies that day so don't need to feel guilty about taking time to do other things - you've put in your time already!

Obviously do try and spend the time where you are "on the job" productively.

(edited 1 month ago)

Reply 4

Zarek

I generally felt that my work would have benefited if I had found a relationship as I would have been less discontented. I think if it’s a decent relationship it is really a time management and good communication challenge. Both things are importance in life, successful people tend to be busy and it’s about finding quality time in each area