My love life is so bad (vent)

I liked this guy (I’ll call him D) back in year 8 and long story short he played me pretty bad and broke my heart and as young as I was, I was REALLY infatuated with him and at such young age I’m still struggling with being vulnerable and always on the defensive. I also knew a guy since year 5 (R) and we had a lot of chemistry but we were so alike we were incompatible so after D hurt me, me and R rekindled, again it didn’t work out and it was a rough split, and so from yr9 D found his way back and Ik silly of me but because he was so unattainable and hurt me I felt as if I need his love to prove im worthy of something, idk what yr9 was thinking, and again as expected, we didn’t date but he hurt me in the sense he used me as sexual rebounds, telling me about his other crushes esp girls of other races and his nighttime habits and just really perverted behaviour which if his crushes weren’t attainable, I’d be used as someone to express them to even if I told him I’m not into that stuff. As soon as he got cheated on I was there to comfort him and he attempted to love bomb me and turn every conversation into something explicit and was very quick to anger. That ended at the end of year 9 where we had a massive falling out bcs he was very misogynistic and had dangerous mindsets. In yr 10, (I know my fault) me and R rekindled and it was amazing for the most part, we were as close as 2 people could be but that scared me, as I feared vulnerability abd letting people get too close, though he wasn’t perferct either. So I did end up breaking his heart pretty badly and it is something I regret to this day, and I’ll be hated more for this, but I broke his heart to be with D again. And let me tell you, it was genuinely the worst mistake. Year 10 summer D did the same thing but worse, he lovebombrd me , use to tell me when he would play with himself and actively tell me which I told him I didn’t like and made me uncomfortable, did he stop? No. He would only engage in sexual conversations or things he wanted to do to me, keep in mind, I am very asexual well I know now but then I tried to force myself to be sexual (just want to preface I’ve never slept with either boys or anyone at that) , he hid me from his friends family and life and would message other girls sexually, giving out his number, sending explicit images to the point he was leaked, watching me walk home alone when he was 10m behind or infront with different girls, letting go of my hand whenever anyone was nearby, telling me things like if i didn’t have kids he’ll leave. I remember being in English class and I was sitting in front of a girl talking about how D invited her over to watch movies and calling her beautiful and they were laughing at him calling him a beg and what hurt me is that I was begging him to let me come round and he said no everytime or a date in the future and it never came into fruition. Other times I’d catch him liking practically naked women post on insta or texting girls (random online ones) about their sexual experience. Even Valentine’s Day he asked me on the day over text, just no effort whatsoever. So it’s now June 2023, his attitude has calmed down but we go out and the wholeeee time it was just sexual for him, we went to watch the Spiderman into spider verse movie, something I was genuinely excited for but he kept trying to make sexual moves, putting his hand down my shirt without permission or he was trying to adjust my chair to make “something” easier for him to do (I won’t go into details) I tried lying saying the chair doesn’t move so he’d stop trying but he was determined and instead exposed himself and taking my hand to do stuff which made me sick but I was scared and thought this is what I had to do for love. After that ended he was cold, walking ahead of me, watching yt whilst we ate and then again took me to the woods and coerced me after me repeatedly saying no no no and him begging and pushing I gave in despite not feeling very pleasant, and then he just left me to go home. At the time I didn’t know what it was but I knew I didn’t feel good and i foolishly stayed with him. October 2023 he officially asked me to be his gf, I foolishly said yes but there were problems since then, I caught him messaging multiple girls AGAIN and then AGAIN, and by this point we’re both in college but different ones, his was predominantly male. He became insanely insecure because I hung out with my male friend (only walking home together like 3 days a week) and me and this male has been friends since yr7 with no feelings. D got so paranoid like it was really bad, he started not letting me post my face online or have a pfp or even highlights or tiktoks, hed be protective and sabotaging. This guy became interested in me in sixthform and D lost it, he was paranoid and sick and fearful and every moment harrassing me even tho me and this boy has NEVER done something, just sat with each other in the library and never again after that. By this point in time the relationship was already destroyed I just felt attached since eveyone knew us and I guess there was a sense of close familiarity. Fast forward to beginning of this year, R is back in the picture and D’s paranoia is through the roof however I block D in February as I was expressing how I felt about what he did to me back in June 2023 and he said something completely dismissing and by that point the Relationship was beyond saving, since then on we spoke here and there but never fully, and me and R was getting more intense however he turned Muslim and I’m Christian so we could never fully be without being married and my parents still thought (and still think D is in the picture because I’ve never opened up about my love life, I’ll touch on this later) so me and R and going smoothly hanging out and enjoying eachothers presence. We don’t talk day in day out but we are accessible and we are going well. So fast forward all of that to now. I’ve now blocked D for good it’s been a couple months, all 700 pictures have been gone and I plan to tell parents I’m just scared bcs I’m African so it was hard enough to introduce the idea of a bf and I don’t want them to view me as a player that I can’t keep a bf as they know it’s been a couple years or wtv idk it’s just hard but I’ll tell them. Okay back to R, were talking consistently all is good it feels like what love is meant to be, so fast forward to just 2 days ago, we haven’t spoken in a week or 2 I’m working and we talk again, he comes out to me and tells me he believes hes gay with a strong VERY strong preference to men. He said he posts on twitter, he has a fanbase, he indulges in some odd kinks and was VERY open about his journey and his new experiences. As you know I’m taken aback because not only was he fully Muslim, but we were in love?? Well so I thought, I mean he was telling me about marriage?? I’m lost for words and feelings, he’s always asking about acceptance but he’s telling me how he has a male crush now?? And why men?? Everything he’s been doing online?? And I’m trying to process I am but I just feel like stabbed kinda because I’ve known him since I was 9 I’m 19 now, never before has he said or exhibited such things and he’s just loaded it on me, idk where to go or what direction, I feel numb and feel unable to connect with people in a romantic way like I just feel too lost in my mind and I’ll definitely retire from love rn but I’m just trying to capture the gravity of what R has just done and he doesn’t realise it, he tells me what he felt is true but idk I just don’t see how it could’ve been true, he told me he’s been since he was 15 but I don’t believe him bcs back in August he was talking about homosexuality saying it’s a choice. And on top of that he just randomly drops explicit details of his new experiences in the chat since he’s so happy that I’ve “accepted him” and I really dk how to feel or what to feel or what to do, i feel like I’m getting constantly f’ed over by men and I genuinely, as dramatic as it sounds don’t see myself being able to romantically invest in one again as I haven’t been able to for a while now, especially given my asexuality because as much as people say they don’t care about those type of things they do and idk if I have any redeeming qualities but just more so I’m emotionally closed off, not willingly I just can’t seem to connect anymore and idk if I can I just don’t think I can date men but I don’t feel attracted to women and I just wish I could have a normal love life as I already have no friends and work full time since I’m not going to uni until next year