Frindship with housemates
Anyaways, we are all friends and it is very comfortable to run a household together. When I brought my partner to the household they immediately accepted her and everything is fine. I'm actually good friends with the guys, even share personal stuff and we talk a lot. However, the other girl is very distant from us (all of us). We do eat together and watch TV and do some activities but she never talks. We only talked a few years ago when she had a really bad time and it was mostly her asking us to take care of her cats while she has to go. I tried getting closer to her but she distanced and I respected that. Now she is in a better mental stage and it looks like she is fine.
I talked to my partner about her and said that we (I meant my partner and I want to get to know her better and be closer friends with her). My partner respoded "do we?"
At first I was disapointed by such an answer, but later thought about it and it hit me... we don't have to be good friends to be good roomates, and I'm not sure I want to be her friend because I don't really know her. I want to get to know her better but I don't know if I should. I have that thought that if we know each other better it will be better but I'm not sure it is right. The situation is very good at home now, I don't want to change it, but I want to be close to her... on the other hand it can make things more complicated... (in that I agree with my partner).
I don't know what to do....
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Reply 1
But don't go out of your way to be friendly with her.
There may be an element of jealousy and possessiveness from your girlfriend when she said "Do we?
Reply 2
But don't go out of your way to be friendly with her.
There may be an element of jealousy and possessiveness from your girlfriend when she said "Do we?
We do a lot of house events. We are actually a part of a larger community spread all over the country and we do a lot of activities even outside of the house. She is less active in them (well, me too actually).
I don't want to 'go out of my way' to be friendly with her. It is more like it is strange for me that we live together for years and we are not real friends... like I don't know anything about her personal life other than what I see.
The "Do we" comment was more of a sign that she is not a part of our community or even the household... she is more of an attache with me... She's still not sure she wants to fit in in our community. She likes the household but still prefers her own place. She's super friendly as a person so she gets a long well with everyone, so it's not a problem. She just doesn't want to be committed to a community.
Reply 3
Reply 4
We are not against anyone. We don't really have that "them and us" thing. We use a community for our benefit. For example the rent of the house, we are not just roommates that split the bill. If someone has to leave we post that there is a place opening for an accommodation in area this and that and if someone from our large (somewhat large) community needs it and we can be sure that the person who is coming will share our interests and will probably know the person, at least from posts in the community. It is not really a closed community, we are integrated in general society all the time... it's just a geek/wholistic community, but we are not limited to geeks and spiritual people... like I'm neither of them. I accept them and like both things, but I'm not really a geek nor a super spiritual person. Our community is more for convenience reasons. (cheaper to buy in bulk, it is cool to host a TED style lecture just for friends, it is cool to make debate nights or movie nights...).
I don't really understand what do you mean by that comment tbh... so I may got it wrongly.
Reply 5
"If someone has to leave we post that there is a place opening for an accommodation in area this and that and if someone from our large (somewhat large) community needs it and we can be sure that the person who is coming will share our interests and will probably know the person, at least from posts in the community."
If there were no them and us, the open place in the house would be open to anyone, including people not in your community.
When you said the following, this was also an indication of a them and us:
"The "Do we" comment was more of a sign that she is not a part of our community or even the household... she is more of an attache with me... She's still not sure she wants to fit in in our community"
Them and us can be a good thing, a bad thing or a neutral thing. It can be very mild or it can be extremely strong.
It does however make sense to be aware of the "them and us" thing.
Reply 6
Reply 7
"If someone has to leave we post that there is a place opening for an accommodation in area this and that and if someone from our large (somewhat large) community needs it and we can be sure that the person who is coming will share our interests and will probably know the person, at least from posts in the community."
If there were no them and us, the open place in the house would be open to anyone, including people not in your community.
When you said the following, this was also an indication of a them and us:
"The "Do we" comment was more of a sign that she is not a part of our community or even the household... she is more of an attache with me... She's still not sure she wants to fit in in our community"
Them and us can be a good thing, a bad thing or a neutral thing. It can be very mild or it can be extremely strong.
It does however make sense to be aware of the "them and us" thing.
It doesn't mean we don't accept people from outside of the community (my partner for example). My partner doesn't feel as a part of the community because she has very little in common with the community life... like she enjoys watching anime with us, but won't go to a lecture about AI Neuron Web or a Dynamic meditation session...
Oh, now I see what you mean about "them and us"... yeah, we do have it... I think any community has it, but we don't make it something huge... if it was huge I wasn't there (because frankly I don't fit either).
I want to get close to the other girl because we live together like a family basically and she's like that loner sister that is locked in her room 24*7 and you forget she exists. She doesn't even go shopping for us (we have a mutual budget to buy things for the household and a list of things we need to buy, she never does anything, she may write we ran out of milk but will never go and buy... So we don't really care for that... I just want to make sure she is doing OK and so she knows that if she needs anything I'll be there for her.
Reply 8
Yeah, I know my partner is more like that... I'm not talking about her, I talk about the other girl who is a part of the community, yet more distant from everyone. She is more active in the community itself than I am, but not in the household life. We are all OK with that, she's doing nothing wrong and we have no real problem with her not doing the shopping as there are people who are more comfortable with doing that...
My problem with her is that she lives right next to me and I never know if she's home unless I check, she never says she came home or is about to leave... if she disapears for weeks no one would really notice it (she never did so, when she had to leave she asked us to take care of her cats...), I mean that she's that kind of person who doesn't want anyone noticing her or mind her life... however, I know that it is not always a good sign and I want her to open up a bit more to us. I want her to have a close friend. I don't really care if it won't be me (I would love to be that person though), just want to make sure she is alright.
For me it is hard to live with a person for many years and knowing nothing about them. I mean I know where she works and technical stuff, but I don't know about her friends from past, friends at work, exes, her relationship with her parents ect...
We never talked about anything personal really.
Reply 9
I think to her, this might just be a living arrangement and nothing more
If she seems aloof then maybe leave her be because it might become an inconvenience in her eyes.
It is sweet of you to want to get to know her though.
Reply 10
I think to her, this might just be a living arrangement and nothing more
If she seems aloof then maybe leave her be because it might become an inconvenience in her eyes.
It is sweet of you to want to get to know her though.
She is active in the community, more than I am, just not the household. We are all fine with that and don't want to kick her out (she's doing nothing wrong). It's just that she is distant from all of us.
I was thinking about that too... but you know, it's just like I want to make sure that she has her person if she needs one.
I have a lot of people I can trust... she is even one of them. For me it seems like she can trust us with her cats but not with herself.
I don't know if I should approach her with that and how.
Reply 11
Reply 12
I was thinking about that too... but you know, it's just like I want to make sure that she has her person if she needs one.
I have a lot of people I can trust... she is even one of them. For me it seems like she can trust us with her cats but not with herself.
I don't know if I should approach her with that and how.
Maybe she does like u guys but shes just very introverted, or tired and not so willing to interact when she doesn't need to
Reply 13
I think that if she didn't like us she wouldn't stay with us for so long... 😅
Reply 14
😅 It's complicated but basically it's a large community of geeks and hippies... It is hard to explain...
Most of the community is in a different city. One of the features of the community is a house or an apartment rented for the community members. Our house is one of those.
Reply 15
Most of the community is in a different city. One of the features of the community is a house or an apartment rented for the community members. Our house is one of those.
I'm still a bit confused - are none of you paying rent for the property because it's being rented on your behalf? If so then you may have a lot less imput into the other people you end up living with
Equally if you are all paying your individual rent shares then there's not really any obligation for her to participate in these "community activities" whatever they may be. Also have any of the people in the flat engaged with her about things she's interested in unrelated to whatever these "community" things you do but aren't putting a name to? Ultimately friendships are made through shared interests and granted you may not have any shared interests but also you may be missing things that are of interest outside of this...vaguely defined community you refer to.Reply 16
Equally if you are all paying your individual rent shares then there's not really any obligation for her to participate in these "community activities" whatever they may be. Also have any of the people in the flat engaged with her about things she's interested in unrelated to whatever these "community" things you do but aren't putting a name to? Ultimately friendships are made through shared interests and granted you may not have any shared interests but also you may be missing things that are of interest outside of this...vaguely defined community you refer to.1.
We pay rent. One of us is a head of the house and is responsible for the rent and the bills, the rest are paying their share. I'm the head of our house for example and I am the one who pays the bills and the rent, so if someone doesn't pay me on time it is my problem. It doesn't happen luckily but if someone has a problem paying usually it is OK as the person who is the head of the house is the one with the best income or financial back to avoid any problems with the landlord and the authorities/facilities... and because we are a community we are there to help the person get back on track.
2.
We choose the people we are living with. This girl for instance came after me to the house but when another guy was the head of the house. The head of the house has a bit more power on deciding who can come in and who can't. Another thing is that every of our houses has their own rules which we can adjust but we have to inform all of the community. There are pet free houses, there are 100% vegan houses etc... There was an apartment that initially was only for guys but one of the guys wanted to bring his girlfriend to live with him and they had to vote on changing that rule for that apartment.
3.
The girl takes part in community activities just not the household activities and she is just distant from us. She is active in the community, she visits lectures and events (like they go to concerts, buying more tickets and higher discounts), she is even doing some stuff like designing FB posts for the community. She may watch a movie with us, she usually does, but she doesn't initiate it or something. She may occasionally cook something for all of us, but usually she doesn't.
4.
The community itself is about shared interests and we share a lot of interests. Most of our interactions are about interests. The most personal thing is the cats. Nothing about her life. I do know a lot more but it was something she had to tell when she had to leave for a while for personal reasons. She just explained it why she needs us to take care of her cats. She doesn't talk about things and it looks like she has no friends. I don't even know if she is home or at work or having a partner. If I don't check her room I don't know if she's there. With the guys, some of them have a stable schedule others write when they are busy and when they are available. She doesn't.
5.
We all like her, she is clean, quiet, very friendly but very distant. She is comfortable to live with and I can personally say that she is a person I can trust. The only thing that bothers me is that I don't know anything about her life.
Reply 17
1.
We pay rent. One of us is a head of the house and is responsible for the rent and the bills, the rest are paying their share. I'm the head of our house for example and I am the one who pays the bills and the rent, so if someone doesn't pay me on time it is my problem. It doesn't happen luckily but if someone has a problem paying usually it is OK as the person who is the head of the house is the one with the best income or financial back to avoid any problems with the landlord and the authorities/facilities... and because we are a community we are there to help the person get back on track.
2.
We choose the people we are living with. This girl for instance came after me to the house but when another guy was the head of the house. The head of the house has a bit more power on deciding who can come in and who can't. Another thing is that every of our houses has their own rules which we can adjust but we have to inform all of the community. There are pet free houses, there are 100% vegan houses etc... There was an apartment that initially was only for guys but one of the guys wanted to bring his girlfriend to live with him and they had to vote on changing that rule for that apartment.
3.
The girl takes part in community activities just not the household activities and she is just distant from us. She is active in the community, she visits lectures and events (like they go to concerts, buying more tickets and higher discounts), she is even doing some stuff like designing FB posts for the community. She may watch a movie with us, she usually does, but she doesn't initiate it or something. She may occasionally cook something for all of us, but usually she doesn't.
4.
The community itself is about shared interests and we share a lot of interests. Most of our interactions are about interests. The most personal thing is the cats. Nothing about her life. I do know a lot more but it was something she had to tell when she had to leave for a while for personal reasons. She just explained it why she needs us to take care of her cats. She doesn't talk about things and it looks like she has no friends. I don't even know if she is home or at work or having a partner. If I don't check her room I don't know if she's there. With the guys, some of them have a stable schedule others write when they are busy and when they are available. She doesn't.
5.
We all like her, she is clean, quiet, very friendly but very distant. She is comfortable to live with and I can personally say that she is a person I can trust. The only thing that bothers me is that I don't know anything about her life.
Well, I guess the options are really:
a) reach out and offer to get to know her and do some things she likes
b) enjoy having a fastidious, quiet flatmate that pays the rent and doesn't bother you!
It's kind of a win-win so it's up to you I guess how much you want to invest in it
Reply 18
a) reach out and offer to get to know her and do some things she likes
b) enjoy having a fastidious, quiet flatmate that pays the rent and doesn't bother you!
It's kind of a win-win so it's up to you I guess how much you want to invest in it
Yeah.
I'm coming from a very close family so I always feel I want to be close to people I live with. My partner on the other hand is coming from a much less close family and she says that it is better to leave things as they are, it is comfortable for everyone.
Maybe I'll just say that she can talk to me if she needs anything some time we meet, just out of the blue. Like a nice gesture and a smile.
Reply 19
I told her that I'm board and since we both awake maybe we should do something fun just two of us. She said she is too tired to do things but if I needed a talk she's there. I said that I don't need a talk as support but I do want to talk and we talked a bit.
She said she doesn't want to talk about her past but now she's in a good place but if she ever needs something I'm one of her to go friends to speak to. I'm happy we talked. Now I feel better. She also said that it's ok if I ask from time to time how's she doing, she appreciates that and even asked me if I want her to do the same.
It was a completely random night talk, but it was so good. I was too afraid to make this talk earlier. It doesn't look like she's 100% ok, but it is something she's working on, which is a good sing.
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