Hard time making friends
I went into first semester feeling hopeful and motivated to make friends, even though I wasn't very social at all in high school. I'm very anxious and shy, but I pushed myself to go to as many events as I could and chat to people, which is exhausting, and it never paid off. I don't feel like I've made any pals. I talk to people in my course and some of my flatmates, but I don't hang out with anybody outwith classes. I want to keep trying but I feel so burnt out because I've gone to a bunch of societies and events but still haven't found anybody to be proper friends with. I just feel like I've followed all the advice on how to make friends but it isn't working and I'm dreading going back after Christmas. I thought uni was going to be a fresh start but I feel exactly the same as I always have.
Reply 1
Hey there,
What you are feeling is completely normal as some students look for connections that are beyond regular social interactions. When I first starting attending society events and socials I didn't quite know how to interact with others as I wasn't as social as I am now! What helped over time was actively reaching out to others and bonding over those society interests. Have a deeper convo with your peers, ask for their socials, continue discussions online, if you see them at local student bars (if your Uni has any) come up to them and say hi. Sometimes it really just can be a case of sit and chill with them and it'll become a regular friendship. Engaging on Discord and similar can also be super helpful, join a game with them on Steam!
Not every course mate will have the same interests as you. In my first year I only really had one or two friends as I didn't click with others but when I came back from placement I made a lot more friends. Don't just stick to your course, talk to others in different courses too! Does your university offer any residence hall based events if you do live in them?
It can feel very lonely to be isolated but trust me when I say you'll find your crowd over time. Please do also have a chat with your university wellbeing team if you have any concerns or need support.
Aura (Uni of Staffs, Comp Sci)
What you are feeling is completely normal as some students look for connections that are beyond regular social interactions. When I first starting attending society events and socials I didn't quite know how to interact with others as I wasn't as social as I am now! What helped over time was actively reaching out to others and bonding over those society interests. Have a deeper convo with your peers, ask for their socials, continue discussions online, if you see them at local student bars (if your Uni has any) come up to them and say hi. Sometimes it really just can be a case of sit and chill with them and it'll become a regular friendship. Engaging on Discord and similar can also be super helpful, join a game with them on Steam!
Not every course mate will have the same interests as you. In my first year I only really had one or two friends as I didn't click with others but when I came back from placement I made a lot more friends. Don't just stick to your course, talk to others in different courses too! Does your university offer any residence hall based events if you do live in them?
It can feel very lonely to be isolated but trust me when I say you'll find your crowd over time. Please do also have a chat with your university wellbeing team if you have any concerns or need support.
Aura (Uni of Staffs, Comp Sci)
Reply 2
Original post
by AnonymousI went into first semester feeling hopeful and motivated to make friends, even though I wasn't very social at all in high school. I'm very anxious and shy, but I pushed myself to go to as many events as I could and chat to people, which is exhausting, and it never paid off. I don't feel like I've made any pals. I talk to people in my course and some of my flatmates, but I don't hang out with anybody outwith classes. I want to keep trying but I feel so burnt out because I've gone to a bunch of societies and events but still haven't found anybody to be proper friends with. I just feel like I've followed all the advice on how to make friends but it isn't working and I'm dreading going back after Christmas. I thought uni was going to be a fresh start but I feel exactly the same as I always have.
Hi Anom,
I'm sorry to hear you feel this way, however you have done great so far!
It isn't always easy making friends, even when you are trying hard, but you will find many students are experiencing the same thing so don't feel alone in this.
Personally, I didn't really begin making multiple close friendships till the end of second and start of third year! These thing can take time and some friendships come out of nowhere. Don't let your current experience discourage you, as I'm confident that if you keep trying, it will pay off.
Also try and reflect on the past experiences. Firstly, was there an attempt to stay connected with classmates, flatmates or society members beyond normal activates? You could begin with asking your flatmates or classmates if they want to go do something together. I'd also recommend connecting with people on social media at society events as it helps you stay in touch. But remember, even if you have tried all these and tried your best, it sometimes doesn't click which is perfectly normal, so just keep trying.
I hope this helps, please feel free to ask me any questions,
-Sophia (University of Lancashire)
Original post
by AnonymousI went into first semester feeling hopeful and motivated to make friends, even though I wasn't very social at all in high school. I'm very anxious and shy, but I pushed myself to go to as many events as I could and chat to people, which is exhausting, and it never paid off. I don't feel like I've made any pals. I talk to people in my course and some of my flatmates, but I don't hang out with anybody outwith classes. I want to keep trying but I feel so burnt out because I've gone to a bunch of societies and events but still haven't found anybody to be proper friends with. I just feel like I've followed all the advice on how to make friends but it isn't working and I'm dreading going back after Christmas. I thought uni was going to be a fresh start but I feel exactly the same as I always have.
Hey,
I’m really sorry you’re feeling like this, and honestly, you’re far from alone, even though it probably feels that way right now. You should give yourself a lot of credit. You did exactly what everyone says you should do: you pushed yourself out of your comfort zone, went to events, tried societies, talked to people. That’s genuinely hard, especially if you’re anxious and shy, and it’s exhausting. The fact that it hasn’t turned into close friendships yet doesn’t mean you’ve failed or done something wrong.
One really important thing that nobody tells you enough is that making actual, proper friends at uni often takes way longer than the first semester. A lot of the “everyone finds their group in the first few weeks” stuff is kind of a myth. Plenty of people don’t click with their flat, or their course mates, or the first few societies they try. Some friendships only start forming in second semester, second year, or even later, once you see the same people over and over in more relaxed settings.
Burnout is a real thing too. Forcing yourself to go to loads of events and be social all the time is draining, especially if you’re anxious. It might help to take some pressure off yourself and aim for fewer, lower-effort things rather than trying everything. One society you genuinely enjoy, or one regular activity, is often better than ten random socials.
Also, the way you’re feeling right now, especially dreading going back after Christmas, is something your uni’s wellbeing or counselling service would take seriously. That doesn’t mean there’s something “wrong” with you. It just means you’ve been carrying a lot of stress and disappointment on your own, and having someone to talk it through with can really help.
You haven’t missed your chance. You haven’t done uni “wrong”. For a lot of people, it just takes longer, and it happens more quietly and slowly than we’re led to believe. Be kind to yourself, you’re doing much better than you think.
Good luck 😊
Arslan – University of Salford Student Representative
Reply 4
If you are shy and anxious then you will find it difficult, I was a bit reluctant at first but guess I am more confident when I have had alcohol
Reply 5
Original post
by AnonymousI went into first semester feeling hopeful and motivated to make friends, even though I wasn't very social at all in high school. I'm very anxious and shy, but I pushed myself to go to as many events as I could and chat to people, which is exhausting, and it never paid off. I don't feel like I've made any pals. I talk to people in my course and some of my flatmates, but I don't hang out with anybody outwith classes. I want to keep trying but I feel so burnt out because I've gone to a bunch of societies and events but still haven't found anybody to be proper friends with. I just feel like I've followed all the advice on how to make friends but it isn't working and I'm dreading going back after Christmas. I thought uni was going to be a fresh start but I feel exactly the same as I always have.
I’m really glad you shared this, because what you’re describing is way more common than people admit!
I just want to say first of all… you’re not failing at uni, and you’re not doing anything wrong. You’ve actually been incredibly brave. Pushing yourself to go to events, join societies and chat to people when you’re anxious and shy is exhausting, and the fact you’ve done all that already says a lot about you.
From my own experience, I didn’t make any solid, meaningful friendships in my first trimester either. I spoke to people, sat next to people in lectures, went to things… but nothing really clicked straight away. For some people it does, but for a lot of us it takes more time for proper connections to form. That doesn’t mean they won’t happen, just that they need time and repeated, low-pressure contact.
It also sounds like you have laid foundations, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. You talk to people on your course and your flatmates, which is actually a really good starting point. The next step isn’t necessarily going to more events or joining more societies… it’s gently deepening the connections you already have.
One thing I’ve noticed (and experienced myself) is that sometimes it does end up being down to you to take that next small step. That might be asking to exchange numbers to chat about coursework, or suggesting a coffee or study session. If asking in person feels awkward, doing it over a message can feel much easier and less intense… something simple like messaging about an assignment and then saying you’re going to the library and asking if they want to join.
When I started doing this myself and actually reached out, I was surprised to realise that a lot of the people I got to know were feeling just as lonely and unsure as I was. Everyone kind of assumes everyone else already has their people, when in reality loads of us are quietly feeling the same way and waiting for someone else to make the first move.
With people on your course, really small and casual invites can make a big difference. Grabbing a coffee before or after a lecture, sitting together more consistently, or suggesting you revise together can slowly turn someone I talk to into someone you hang out with outside of class.
With flatmates, shared routines help a lot. Cooking at the same time, watching something together in the evening, or even suggesting a quick food shop together can naturally turn into hanging out, without the pressure of making it a big social thing!
If you’re doing societies, consistency matters way more than quantity. Sticking with one or two and going regularly is often better than trying loads. Seeing the same faces week after week is usually how familiarity turns into friendship. And honestly… quieter moments tend to be where real connections form, especially if you’re anxious. Big socials can be overwhelming, and that’s completely okay.
It’s also really important to pace yourself. Burning yourself out socially won’t help friendships grow. It’s completely okay to step back, rest and come back with a gentler approach. You don’t need to force anything… you just need to give connections space to develop naturally.
Uni doesn’t stop being a fresh start just because the first semester was hard. For a lot of people, friendships settle in during second semester or even second year, once everyone’s less overwhelmed and more themselves.
Please be kind to yourself. You really are doing the right things, even if it doesn’t feel like it yet. The fact you care this much about connection means you’re capable of building it… it just might take a bit longer than you expected, and that’s completely okay.
You’re not alone in feeling this way, even if it feels really isolating right now. Things genuinely can change!
Good luck going forward! I hope you find your people soon. Sophie 🙂
Reply 6
Original post
by AnonymousI went into first semester feeling hopeful and motivated to make friends, even though I wasn't very social at all in high school. I'm very anxious and shy, but I pushed myself to go to as many events as I could and chat to people, which is exhausting, and it never paid off. I don't feel like I've made any pals. I talk to people in my course and some of my flatmates, but I don't hang out with anybody outwith classes. I want to keep trying but I feel so burnt out because I've gone to a bunch of societies and events but still haven't found anybody to be proper friends with. I just feel like I've followed all the advice on how to make friends but it isn't working and I'm dreading going back after Christmas. I thought uni was going to be a fresh start but I feel exactly the same as I always have.
I’m really sorry you’re feeling like this, it’s much more common than it feels, especially in first semester.
Making real friends at uni often takes time. Not everyone finds their people straight away, and a lot of those who seem settled are still figuring things out too. If certain groups have made you feel excluded or uncomfortable, that’s not on you, sometimes it’s genuinely a blessing in disguise.
What helped was taking the pressure off big socials and focusing on smaller, low-pressure moments. Studying on campus, chatting to familiar faces in the library, or asking if anyone wanted to study together, grab lunch, or pair up for a project worked far better for me than forcing myself to attend lots of events.
You’ve tried really hard already, and it’s understandable to feel burnt out. This doesn’t mean uni won’t become the fresh start you hoped for, it just might take a bit more time. Be kind to yourself.
-Chloe ✮
Reply 7
Original post
by AnonymousI went into first semester feeling hopeful and motivated to make friends, even though I wasn't very social at all in high school. I'm very anxious and shy, but I pushed myself to go to as many events as I could and chat to people, which is exhausting, and it never paid off. I don't feel like I've made any pals. I talk to people in my course and some of my flatmates, but I don't hang out with anybody outwith classes. I want to keep trying but I feel so burnt out because I've gone to a bunch of societies and events but still haven't found anybody to be proper friends with. I just feel like I've followed all the advice on how to make friends but it isn't working and I'm dreading going back after Christmas. I thought uni was going to be a fresh start but I feel exactly the same as I always have.
Hey,
Pushing yourself when you’re naturally shy is physically and emotionally draining, and it’s frustrating when you feel like you’ve done all the right things without seeing the results you expected.
First, please know that you aren't failing. The fresh start narrative puts a lot of pressure on the first semester, but for some people, real and lasting friendships don't actually click until later in the year.
Here is how you can protect your energy while still moving forward:
•
Quality Over Quantity: Since big events are exhausting, try shifting your focus. Instead of networking at societies, try to deepen one or two existing connections. If there is one person in a seminar or your flat you get along with, ask if they want to grab a coffee or study in the library. It feels much less pressure than a party.
•
The "Study Buddy" Route: Use the fact that you already talk to people in your course. Asking, "I’m struggling with this module, do you want to look over notes together?" is a low-pressure way to spend time together outside of the lecture hall.
•
Be Kind to Yourself: It’s okay to take a break. If you're dreading going back, give yourself permission to stop performing at every event. Real friendships often happen in the quiet gaps, like cooking in the kitchen at the same time as a flatmate or chatting for five minutes after a class ends.
•
Acknowledge Your Progress: You’ve already done something huge by pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. That resilience is a massive win, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.
Hope this helps! 😊
Rachel
(Third Year)
Undegraduate Multimedia Journalism
Reply 8
Original post
by AnonymousI went into first semester feeling hopeful and motivated to make friends, even though I wasn't very social at all in high school. I'm very anxious and shy, but I pushed myself to go to as many events as I could and chat to people, which is exhausting, and it never paid off. I don't feel like I've made any pals. I talk to people in my course and some of my flatmates, but I don't hang out with anybody outwith classes. I want to keep trying but I feel so burnt out because I've gone to a bunch of societies and events but still haven't found anybody to be proper friends with. I just feel like I've followed all the advice on how to make friends but it isn't working and I'm dreading going back after Christmas. I thought uni was going to be a fresh start but I feel exactly the same as I always have.
Hi there,
I am so sorry that you are feeling this way.
I felt a similar way during my first year of uni. It was hard to see other people making friends and seeing my friends who went to other universities looking like they were having the best time and making life long friends. However, it is important to try and remember that you will find your people, even if it takes a bit longer and just because other people look like they are having the best time doesn't mean that they are.
It is great that you have tried out going to different societies. They are a great way of meeting people, but they aren't always for everyone and that is okay. It might be worth having another look and seeing if you can find any others that you like the sound of in case you really enjoy them and meet people. January is quite a good time as lots of societies will be doing 'refreshers' where you can trial new societies and new people will be joining, so if you want to try it is a great time to do it.
Similarly, with going to events I would just keep doing this as there will be plenty of opportunities and you might as well keep going to them. If nothing else, you might find a new hobby or somewhere else you like going!
You could also have a look into if there are any clubs in the local area. They won't be associated with your uni, but lots of towns and cities have different clubs or groups, such as run clubs, other sports clubs or craft clubs! They may be worth looking into so you have some friends or people you can meet up with in your area as this might help you to feel a bit better.
I know it is hard right now and I have been in your position so I completely understand how it can feel a bit lonely, but it will get better. You will find people who are your kind of people so just keep doing what you are doing and being friendly and 'your people' will gravitate towards you.
I hope some of this helps,
Lucy -SHU student ambassador.
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