Realising that I can't wait to get away from my parents and hating that realisation

hello. I don't really know what to say but I need to talk to someone and I guess throwing this into the internet void is good enough. this is a rambly post just to warn anyone who does read this. I guess the place to start is that I am autistic and have fairly severe anxiety and my parents don't understand me -
my mum constantly says things like i "don't even know what real tiredness is" when I try to express how difficult im finding things (not just that phrase but she makes it really clear that she doesn't see how hard things are for me), she constantly blames/berates me for having meltdowns (i know that they impact her and are really really upsetting for her but i try so hard every day to manage everything and its hard and sometimes i fail. the most hurtful thing is that her response to me failing, even though its very uncommon as ive gotten better at bottling things up, is to berate me and tell me i'm a bad person. Never once have i gotten any credit for how much i do and how hard i work.).
My dad is a little different but the thing that happened today, and really exemplifies why he's so difficult for me - is that i was feeling stressed (i have had an unbelivably stressfull few weeks and the last few days have been especially bad) and I told him, in as simple words as i could because i think that helps with clarity, that I was really stressed out, and that I needed him to leave me alone. his response was to continue to ask me questions about this computer issue that he wanted me to fix but i'd told him i couldn't and was too stressed to deal with right now, tell me off for not helping him, you get the picture. he just would not leave me alone despite me asking him repeatedly. In the end this triggered a meltdown for me which in turn triggered a bit of a family argument between everyone mainly because, once i calmed down, i asked him to apologise for intentionally/knowingly (hard to tell with him) stressing me out before i would apologise for shouting during the meltdown (i admit this was a bit immature but ngl i think i should get a tiiiiiiny bit of slack for that i am a teenager and other teenagers are immature all the time! my parents' reaction to that would normally be quite understanding but not for me )
but honestly the thing thats so confusing and difficult is mainly my mum. when i have anxiety attacks and, sometimes but not often, when i have meltdowns shes usually so supportive and compassionate and amazing. she doesn;t blame me and she tries her best to help which is just so incredible. and its so confusing because i love her so much and shes so amazing. she listens to me and she really is trying to improve the way she reacts to my meltdowns. theres also some other context that i wont really discuss but basically theres a few tramatic experiences that i had as a young child that its really hard sometimes not to blame her for even though i know she was trying her best. they really, really badly affect me to this day and this often causes or worsens meltdowns or sometimes just spiralling and poor mental health generally, and thats really hard as well. but i love my mum so much and i ask so much of her and i rely on her tbh for mental stability. its so confusing to have these conflicting feelings about her. im in a situation where im terrified to go to uni and be without her but i also think maybe my mental health will massively improve as ill be away from most of the things that trigger those spirals due to my past experiences - one of which, to be honest, IS my mum, i can be really oversensitive to criticism from her (you may have noticed lol). Thats just really hard for me i guess.
with my dad hes honestly not really been a proper parent to me for years - we barely spend time together, he doesn't support me and i dont ever really try to get him to understand me or my problems (i guess i dont give him much opportunity to support me but hes terrible at it and makes things worse more often than not). so i kind of just cant wait to get away from him as he also i think has an impact on my mental health and stress levels, especially with how much our poor relationship upsets me.
so yeah. detailed overview of my relationship with my parents and how they impact my mental health. the issue here is that i'm left in this situation where i cant wait to go to uni and hopefully develop a stronger support network (i feel guilty even typing that with all my mum does for me) that really understands me. i think (and hope) that my mental health will improve when im living away from home. but. i never wanted to be this person. i dont know if that makes sense. i never pictured myself as anything but the person with the amazing perfect family, and that's honeslty how i felt for a long time before i started counselling and before i really admitted the problems described above to myself. i was never meant to be the pserson with a difficult relationship with my family. and i hate that i am
i cant help but feel that its all my fault and i honestly don't know whetehr thats true or not. but i do know its not helpful, so i think i need to try to shift my focus away from blame and towards how living away from home will give me an opportunity to improve things.
I don't know if anyone will read this but if you do, thank you. i am going to restart counselling in a few months but right now theres nobody i can really talk about this with, not fully honestly. i have friends who are amazing but they dont understand/know about all of this. so thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this, writing it really helped.

hello. I don't really know what to say but I need to talk to someone and I guess throwing this into the internet void is good enough. this is a rambly post just to warn anyone who does read this. I guess the place to start is that I am autistic and have fairly severe anxiety and my parents don't understand me -
my mum constantly says things like i "don't even know what real tiredness is" when I try to express how difficult im finding things (not just that phrase but she makes it really clear that she doesn't see how hard things are for me), she constantly blames/berates me for having meltdowns (i know that they impact her and are really really upsetting for her but i try so hard every day to manage everything and its hard and sometimes i fail. the most hurtful thing is that her response to me failing, even though its very uncommon as ive gotten better at bottling things up, is to berate me and tell me i'm a bad person. Never once have i gotten any credit for how much i do and how hard i work.).
My dad is a little different but the thing that happened today, and really exemplifies why he's so difficult for me - is that i was feeling stressed (i have had an unbelivably stressfull few weeks and the last few days have been especially bad) and I told him, in as simple words as i could because i think that helps with clarity, that I was really stressed out, and that I needed him to leave me alone. his response was to continue to ask me questions about this computer issue that he wanted me to fix but i'd told him i couldn't and was too stressed to deal with right now, tell me off for not helping him, you get the picture. he just would not leave me alone despite me asking him repeatedly. In the end this triggered a meltdown for me which in turn triggered a bit of a family argument between everyone mainly because, once i calmed down, i asked him to apologise for intentionally/knowingly (hard to tell with him) stressing me out before i would apologise for shouting during the meltdown (i admit this was a bit immature but ngl i think i should get a tiiiiiiny bit of slack for that i am a teenager and other teenagers are immature all the time! my parents' reaction to that would normally be quite understanding but not for me )
but honestly the thing thats so confusing and difficult is mainly my mum. when i have anxiety attacks and, sometimes but not often, when i have meltdowns shes usually so supportive and compassionate and amazing. she doesn;t blame me and she tries her best to help which is just so incredible. and its so confusing because i love her so much and shes so amazing. she listens to me and she really is trying to improve the way she reacts to my meltdowns. theres also some other context that i wont really discuss but basically theres a few tramatic experiences that i had as a young child that its really hard sometimes not to blame her for even though i know she was trying her best. they really, really badly affect me to this day and this often causes or worsens meltdowns or sometimes just spiralling and poor mental health generally, and thats really hard as well. but i love my mum so much and i ask so much of her and i rely on her tbh for mental stability. its so confusing to have these conflicting feelings about her. im in a situation where im terrified to go to uni and be without her but i also think maybe my mental health will massively improve as ill be away from most of the things that trigger those spirals due to my past experiences - one of which, to be honest, IS my mum, i can be really oversensitive to criticism from her (you may have noticed lol). Thats just really hard for me i guess.
with my dad hes honestly not really been a proper parent to me for years - we barely spend time together, he doesn't support me and i dont ever really try to get him to understand me or my problems (i guess i dont give him much opportunity to support me but hes terrible at it and makes things worse more often than not). so i kind of just cant wait to get away from him as he also i think has an impact on my mental health and stress levels, especially with how much our poor relationship upsets me.
so yeah. detailed overview of my relationship with my parents and how they impact my mental health. the issue here is that i'm left in this situation where i cant wait to go to uni and hopefully develop a stronger support network (i feel guilty even typing that with all my mum does for me) that really understands me. i think (and hope) that my mental health will improve when im living away from home. but. i never wanted to be this person. i dont know if that makes sense. i never pictured myself as anything but the person with the amazing perfect family, and that's honeslty how i felt for a long time before i started counselling and before i really admitted the problems described above to myself. i was never meant to be the pserson with a difficult relationship with my family. and i hate that i am
i cant help but feel that its all my fault and i honestly don't know whetehr thats true or not. but i do know its not helpful, so i think i need to try to shift my focus away from blame and towards how living away from home will give me an opportunity to improve things.
I don't know if anyone will read this but if you do, thank you. i am going to restart counselling in a few months but right now theres nobody i can really talk about this with, not fully honestly. i have friends who are amazing but they dont understand/know about all of this. so thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this, writing it really helped.