Advice on friendship issues.
Long-term friendship ended over incompatible emotional needs – was I always harmful?
Context:
I had a close friendship that lasted about 8 years (started in 2017). It was never romantic, but emotionally intense. For a long time we were in daily contact and shared a lot. He did an Erasmus thanks to my advice (in a period that was very difficult for him), we shared visits across Europe in our study and / or work periods abroad or in Naples (close to where we lived and he lives now) / Germany (where I moved for good in 2022).
Over time, it became clear that we had very different views of what friendship should look like, mostly because my life has changed, the time at my disposal changed too and he never accepted this transition.
My view
I see friendship as something that can remain real and meaningful even if:
you don’t talk every day
you don’t see each other often
initiative isn’t constant
For me, caring is shown more through:
listening
long-term consistency
If it happens to meet each other, great. If it doesn't, it's still ok and it doesn't mean I don't care.
I struggle to force emotional behaviors that don’t come naturally to me. When I do, it feels inauthentic.
His view
He believes that friendship only has value if:
you see each other often
there is frequent initiative
affection is clearly and consistently shown
His belief is basically:
“If you care about someone, you show it.
If it doesn’t come naturally, you make the effort anyway.
If you don’t show it, you don’t really care (or you have a serious emotional problem).”
For him, a “low-contact” friendship is empty and meaningless.
The core conflict
He started comparing his place in my life to that of other friends (for example childhood friends: if I came back to my hometown for Christmas holiday and did not make space to meet him, while I spent time with my childhood friends those days, he would consider it as rejection; if I didn't make proposals, which I very rarely do in general because my life has changed with work, girlfriend and life abroad, he would consider it as one-sided friendship). He would often travel to visit me in Germany when I was available. I must admit that I have been harsh sometimes (in communication), but his depression and the guilt he threw on me for the situation wore me out.
To him, these comparisons were objective proof that I valued him less and that he was being wronged.
From my perspective, these choices felt normal and not meant as a hierarchy or rejection.
Escalation
During this time, he fell into a severe depressive period.
My lack of initiative and limited availability (consider that I live in Germany now and he lives in Italy) were experienced by him as:
rejection
emotional cruelty
proof that the friendship was fake
He began to describe me as:
cold
inhuman
manipulative
I, on the other hand, felt:
constantly guilty
emotionally pressured to be someone I’m not
incapable of meeting his expectations no matter what I did
Break
Eventually, I pulled away.
In December 2024, there was the first bad signs. I came back home for the Christmas holidays (about 19-20 days) and I basically came back to spend time with my family and girlfriend. He was already feeling alone and depressed. I actually told him that I would let him know if I managed to spend a day in Naples, but eventually it didn't happen and he felt wounded and ignored, getting angry with me. I know that he felt bad and that he would have made time for me in reverse. But that's his way of living friendships. Should I feel bad because I didn't set a date in advance for him? The last time we had met each other before that was June 2024 in Germany where I live and he felt like it was an eternity already. Plus, he grew frustrated and resented that most of the energy and proposals came from him. But again, should I feel guilty if I now work differently than before and I am less proactive in friendships?
The final nails in the coffin were March and May 2025. In March, I felt overwhelmed by his constant accusations and his depression, with intrusive thoughts, and I told him I needed some space for myself. Of course it was interpreted as abandonment and when in April I told him that the daily-contact friendship we had wasn't sustainable for me anymore, and that all I could offer was the relaxed, occasional contact that I have with any other friend (even the ones he feels "inferior" to) the situation got worse for him. He started accusing me more heavily. In May, he had a trip to Germany already planned and I refused to meet him after his accusations. He exploded, insulted me and got to the point of self-harm. After that, I blocked him on social media.
I didn’t do it to punish him, but because I felt overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted.
The silence, however, became for him:
final confirmation that I never cared
an aggravating factor that deepened his anger and hatred
He also got to the point of self-harm.
The messages I received became extremely hostile.
Current situation
We’ve had no contact for months.
I’m more at peace, but I still carry guilt and doubt.
I don’t feel anger toward him.
He likely sees me as someone who destroyed the friendship and caused deep harm.
I wonder:
Was I actually always damaging to him?
Can two people genuinely care about each other and still be emotionally incompatible?
Is silence sometimes self-protection rather than cruelty?
Is it realistic that, with time, a calmer, low-contact friendship could ever exist?
I’m not trying to justify myself or paint him as a villain.
I’m genuinely trying to understand whether this was inevitable incompatibility, or if I failed in a more fundamental way.
Any perspective appreciated.
Context:
I had a close friendship that lasted about 8 years (started in 2017). It was never romantic, but emotionally intense. For a long time we were in daily contact and shared a lot. He did an Erasmus thanks to my advice (in a period that was very difficult for him), we shared visits across Europe in our study and / or work periods abroad or in Naples (close to where we lived and he lives now) / Germany (where I moved for good in 2022).
Over time, it became clear that we had very different views of what friendship should look like, mostly because my life has changed, the time at my disposal changed too and he never accepted this transition.
My view
I see friendship as something that can remain real and meaningful even if:
you don’t talk every day
you don’t see each other often
initiative isn’t constant
For me, caring is shown more through:
listening
long-term consistency
If it happens to meet each other, great. If it doesn't, it's still ok and it doesn't mean I don't care.
I struggle to force emotional behaviors that don’t come naturally to me. When I do, it feels inauthentic.
His view
He believes that friendship only has value if:
you see each other often
there is frequent initiative
affection is clearly and consistently shown
His belief is basically:
“If you care about someone, you show it.
If it doesn’t come naturally, you make the effort anyway.
If you don’t show it, you don’t really care (or you have a serious emotional problem).”
For him, a “low-contact” friendship is empty and meaningless.
The core conflict
He started comparing his place in my life to that of other friends (for example childhood friends: if I came back to my hometown for Christmas holiday and did not make space to meet him, while I spent time with my childhood friends those days, he would consider it as rejection; if I didn't make proposals, which I very rarely do in general because my life has changed with work, girlfriend and life abroad, he would consider it as one-sided friendship). He would often travel to visit me in Germany when I was available. I must admit that I have been harsh sometimes (in communication), but his depression and the guilt he threw on me for the situation wore me out.
To him, these comparisons were objective proof that I valued him less and that he was being wronged.
From my perspective, these choices felt normal and not meant as a hierarchy or rejection.
Escalation
During this time, he fell into a severe depressive period.
My lack of initiative and limited availability (consider that I live in Germany now and he lives in Italy) were experienced by him as:
rejection
emotional cruelty
proof that the friendship was fake
He began to describe me as:
cold
inhuman
manipulative
I, on the other hand, felt:
constantly guilty
emotionally pressured to be someone I’m not
incapable of meeting his expectations no matter what I did
Break
Eventually, I pulled away.
In December 2024, there was the first bad signs. I came back home for the Christmas holidays (about 19-20 days) and I basically came back to spend time with my family and girlfriend. He was already feeling alone and depressed. I actually told him that I would let him know if I managed to spend a day in Naples, but eventually it didn't happen and he felt wounded and ignored, getting angry with me. I know that he felt bad and that he would have made time for me in reverse. But that's his way of living friendships. Should I feel bad because I didn't set a date in advance for him? The last time we had met each other before that was June 2024 in Germany where I live and he felt like it was an eternity already. Plus, he grew frustrated and resented that most of the energy and proposals came from him. But again, should I feel guilty if I now work differently than before and I am less proactive in friendships?
The final nails in the coffin were March and May 2025. In March, I felt overwhelmed by his constant accusations and his depression, with intrusive thoughts, and I told him I needed some space for myself. Of course it was interpreted as abandonment and when in April I told him that the daily-contact friendship we had wasn't sustainable for me anymore, and that all I could offer was the relaxed, occasional contact that I have with any other friend (even the ones he feels "inferior" to) the situation got worse for him. He started accusing me more heavily. In May, he had a trip to Germany already planned and I refused to meet him after his accusations. He exploded, insulted me and got to the point of self-harm. After that, I blocked him on social media.
I didn’t do it to punish him, but because I felt overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted.
The silence, however, became for him:
final confirmation that I never cared
an aggravating factor that deepened his anger and hatred
He also got to the point of self-harm.
The messages I received became extremely hostile.
Current situation
We’ve had no contact for months.
I’m more at peace, but I still carry guilt and doubt.
I don’t feel anger toward him.
He likely sees me as someone who destroyed the friendship and caused deep harm.
I wonder:
Was I actually always damaging to him?
Can two people genuinely care about each other and still be emotionally incompatible?
Is silence sometimes self-protection rather than cruelty?
Is it realistic that, with time, a calmer, low-contact friendship could ever exist?
I’m not trying to justify myself or paint him as a villain.
I’m genuinely trying to understand whether this was inevitable incompatibility, or if I failed in a more fundamental way.
Any perspective appreciated.
Reply 1
That sounds like a hard time for the both of you. I don't think that you failed; you did the best you could in a hard situation. I would have done the same thing. He should not have insulted you like you, and blocking him on social media was probably for the best. I know how it feels to lose a longstanding friend, and it's not nice. Of course you can still be friends and not be in constant contact with each other. As for texting daily, if you were to do that with all of your friends, you'd have no time to do anything else! He's not any more important than any of your other friends, and he shouldn't come above the time that you have to spend by yourself. You have done absolutely nothing wrong and I stand by that. Yes, sometimes silence can be self-protection, it's not always being mean. You were not always damaging to him; you sound like a genuine caring person (someone who wasn't wouldn't care and certainly wouldn't ahave asked for help), and I would be so happy if I had any friends half as thoughtful as you, so no, you were never in the wrong.
Reply 2
2
Original post
by Mazerunner!That sounds like a hard time for the both of you. I don't think that you failed; you did the best you could in a hard situation. I would have done the same thing. He should not have insulted you like you, and blocking him on social media was probably for the best. I know how it feels to lose a longstanding friend, and it's not nice. Of course you can still be friends and not be in constant contact with each other. As for texting daily, if you were to do that with all of your friends, you'd have no time to do anything else! He's not any more important than any of your other friends, and he shouldn't come above the time that you have to spend by yourself. You have done absolutely nothing wrong and I stand by that. Yes, sometimes silence can be self-protection, it's not always being mean. You were not always damaging to him; you sound like a genuine caring person (someone who wasn't wouldn't care and certainly wouldn't ahave asked for help), and I would be so happy if I had any friends half as thoughtful as you, so no, you were never in the wrong.
but I could have dedicated more time to him in the last months when he felt overlooked / neglected...
Reply 3
Original post
by nowhereman95but I could have dedicated more time to him in the last months when he felt overlooked / neglected...
Maybe you could have, but then again he is not your only friend, so you do not need to make sure that he is okay on your own, and he should not be loading all of his problems off on you. You are probably not his only friend as well, and if you live far away from each other, then it is probably more suitable that somebody who can see him more often can help him; he should not be putting more pressure on you simply because he wants to see you more, thats just getting into the realms of petty
Reply 4
People can have different views on what they want out of any relationship, but he sounds draining and insufferable tbh.
Reply 5
2
Original post
by Mazerunner!Maybe you could have, but then again he is not your only friend, so you do not need to make sure that he is okay on your own, and he should not be loading all of his problems off on you. You are probably not his only friend as well, and if you live far away from each other, then it is probably more suitable that somebody who can see him more often can help him; he should not be putting more pressure on you simply because he wants to see you more, thats just getting into the realms of petty
yes but he meant that not just for help, he wanted our friendship to be as reciprocal in effort as he always felt it should be and have been.
(edited 1 month ago)
Reply 6
Original post
by nowhereman95yes but he meant that not just for help, he wanted our friendship to be as reciprocal in effort as he always felt it should be and have been.
People have different views on friendship and that is okay. You should tell him that that is not feasible for you, if it isn't, as your life should not revolve around him. Obviously I don't know everything about the situation, but it sounds like you're trying to be as accomodating as you can,and if thats all you can offer himat the moment, then thats all you can offer him, and he shouldn't be asking for more than that.
Reply 7
Steer clear he is toxic
Quick Reply
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