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How to deal with lazy brother, need advice please
Hear me out pleeaase. My brother is 5 years older than I am, and it's really annoying/depressing me about it for the past year or so, I need some serious advice because I've had it now.
Basically give you an outline of what type of a person he is: Last permanent job he had was when he was about 16 (he's now 24-25, I don't even know), then he's worked perhaps once every two years over xmas doing a temp job.
He works with my mother one day per week, and that's all he does, the rest of the time he lives at home watching TV doing whatever. Now, this isn't where my concern starts...
My Mum works just about every single day (being a single parent she does a great job), and she's the best parent anyone could ask for, she admits to be struggling financially, while she can offered everything she hasn't any money for herself and we've had to cut down phone bills/internet speed etc.
So every morning my Brother comes downstairs, and get's pissed off that there's no milk in the cupboard, or there isn't any bacon for breakfast, throws something around like he's in a tantrum. This kills me, I'm doing all I can not just to aid my Mum financially but to create a better future for her, she deserves it so much and I can't give her that right now. Then my Brother's doing stupid **** like this.
I pay the same amount of rent as him, and he's at home 24/7, eats more, he gets sky in his bedroom, greedy, selfish, lazy and uncaring. He knows it's sad, and he always finds a reason why a certain job won't be suitable for him, he gets drunk and makes too much noise and my Mum can't get enough sleep for her next 12 hour shift at work.
How do I tackle this problem? My Mum isn't pushy enough, she's to loving and caring, but I've had enough, it's a ******* family everyone should be pushing their weight, at least trying to help. Do I tell my Mum about how I REALLY feel?? Sometimes it goes through my head that my brother thinks about suicide or other depressive thoughts, I can't see anything going on for him right now and he doesn't seem bothered about trying. Also, my brother once told my Mum, that he couldn't bare it if she met another man and got married etc. I found that extremely selfish and sad, so sad I wanted to cry or strike out in anger... How selfish can you get?? I'm fed up, I ******* fed up.
Basically give you an outline of what type of a person he is: Last permanent job he had was when he was about 16 (he's now 24-25, I don't even know), then he's worked perhaps once every two years over xmas doing a temp job.
He works with my mother one day per week, and that's all he does, the rest of the time he lives at home watching TV doing whatever. Now, this isn't where my concern starts...
My Mum works just about every single day (being a single parent she does a great job), and she's the best parent anyone could ask for, she admits to be struggling financially, while she can offered everything she hasn't any money for herself and we've had to cut down phone bills/internet speed etc.
So every morning my Brother comes downstairs, and get's pissed off that there's no milk in the cupboard, or there isn't any bacon for breakfast, throws something around like he's in a tantrum. This kills me, I'm doing all I can not just to aid my Mum financially but to create a better future for her, she deserves it so much and I can't give her that right now. Then my Brother's doing stupid **** like this.
I pay the same amount of rent as him, and he's at home 24/7, eats more, he gets sky in his bedroom, greedy, selfish, lazy and uncaring. He knows it's sad, and he always finds a reason why a certain job won't be suitable for him, he gets drunk and makes too much noise and my Mum can't get enough sleep for her next 12 hour shift at work.
How do I tackle this problem? My Mum isn't pushy enough, she's to loving and caring, but I've had enough, it's a ******* family everyone should be pushing their weight, at least trying to help. Do I tell my Mum about how I REALLY feel?? Sometimes it goes through my head that my brother thinks about suicide or other depressive thoughts, I can't see anything going on for him right now and he doesn't seem bothered about trying. Also, my brother once told my Mum, that he couldn't bare it if she met another man and got married etc. I found that extremely selfish and sad, so sad I wanted to cry or strike out in anger... How selfish can you get?? I'm fed up, I ******* fed up.
My Mum smokes and he steals her tobacco (skank and stuff, but it's her money that's being drained), he won't bother going out to get some milk. He'll wait for my Mum to come home from a hard days work and then send her out to get some more plus some alcohol, at her expense.
Sometimes I feel like I'm going to break down with pressure, because I'm the last hope of the family and everything rides on me. I'm the one with the ambition, the grades, the future and I can barely ever rest with a peaceful mind nowadays. It'd take a whole load of my back if my brother just committed a bit, or was just independent.
It'll be destroying for a younger brother to complain about him for not being adult enough, so I don't want to confront him about it and we don't get on the best... I don't know how to solve it, I've been putting up with it for years now.
Sometimes I feel like I'm going to break down with pressure, because I'm the last hope of the family and everything rides on me. I'm the one with the ambition, the grades, the future and I can barely ever rest with a peaceful mind nowadays. It'd take a whole load of my back if my brother just committed a bit, or was just independent.
It'll be destroying for a younger brother to complain about him for not being adult enough, so I don't want to confront him about it and we don't get on the best... I don't know how to solve it, I've been putting up with it for years now.
Write a letter to both your Mum and your brother explaining how you feel about the situation. Your brother may not realise just how upsetting his behaviour can be and reading a letter can put everything into perspective.
He may not realise how much it upsets you either and your Mum may not be aware either.
Write a letter to him explaining how he upsets you and how you feel his behaviour puts on your Mum. Tell him straight.
I find it much better than a conversation because a letter means there's no backchat or trying to defend yourself. Write a letter to your Mum explaining how you feel, how you are affected and encourage her to help your brother find a job he enjoys. There is also Job Seekers Allowance, which isn't all that much but it can help a deserving case.
Your brother sounds like he loves your Mum to bits and the thought of sharing her with anyone else is painful. Perhaps he is insecure? However, your Mum should not sacrifice any happiness she could potentially have to please your brother, she deserves a life and a relationship too. What would he say if she said the same to him...."Don't get a girlfriend I couldn't bear it?"
Hoepfully you can put into words how you feel. Try to see it from a totally different perspective. I understand how you feel mind you! I hope I have helped although goodness only knows how bad that advice was... ha x
He may not realise how much it upsets you either and your Mum may not be aware either.
Write a letter to him explaining how he upsets you and how you feel his behaviour puts on your Mum. Tell him straight.
I find it much better than a conversation because a letter means there's no backchat or trying to defend yourself. Write a letter to your Mum explaining how you feel, how you are affected and encourage her to help your brother find a job he enjoys. There is also Job Seekers Allowance, which isn't all that much but it can help a deserving case.
Your brother sounds like he loves your Mum to bits and the thought of sharing her with anyone else is painful. Perhaps he is insecure? However, your Mum should not sacrifice any happiness she could potentially have to please your brother, she deserves a life and a relationship too. What would he say if she said the same to him...."Don't get a girlfriend I couldn't bear it?"
Hoepfully you can put into words how you feel. Try to see it from a totally different perspective. I understand how you feel mind you! I hope I have helped although goodness only knows how bad that advice was... ha x
Yea he does love her a lot, but there's just an essence of selfishness/stupidity. The list could go on about the things he says which really annoy me.
I used to really think that my Mum cared about him more than me, as soon as she gets home she calls him down first for some food she bought, or first to show him some pictures she's taken, it used to be really soul-destroying for me.
My mum told me she knows what I can potentially achieve (which put me at ease) and she acknowledges my Bother is a **** up, and tries finding him a job whenever she can.
I'm too much of a pussy for a family meeting, maybe I should just mention it at a family meal when people are a bit drunk to make it easier.
I used to really think that my Mum cared about him more than me, as soon as she gets home she calls him down first for some food she bought, or first to show him some pictures she's taken, it used to be really soul-destroying for me.
My mum told me she knows what I can potentially achieve (which put me at ease) and she acknowledges my Bother is a **** up, and tries finding him a job whenever she can.
I'm too much of a pussy for a family meeting, maybe I should just mention it at a family meal when people are a bit drunk to make it easier.
I think if you want the problem sorted then you really have to unclench your teeth from your tongue and just come out with it. If you don't want to write letters, create a list of the things he does that annoy you. Then sit down and, as painstaking as it is, tell him.
Things may never change if not.
It may seem she prefers him....maybe she is concerned for him? You seem mature and ambitous and much more independant. She may feel she doesn't have to worry about you as much, so she lets you roam free.
She may feel he is more of a "baby" and may need to mother him more. Probably the wrong approach to someone so lazy but think of it that way instead?
Seriously though, write your Mum a letter and your brother a letter, and post it under thier door before you go to bed (they have time to mull it over that way)
I did this with my mum. I told her some harsh truths but because it was in a letter form she was able to process the information overnight, rather than take the defensive and argue with me, if it had been a conversation.
The following night she wrote me a letter back and told me things she wouldn't have if we had had a conversation. If people are drunk, chances are they may be aggressive or hostile, plus it possibly won't be remembered in the morning. Be strong! Go for it! Etc xx
Things may never change if not.
It may seem she prefers him....maybe she is concerned for him? You seem mature and ambitous and much more independant. She may feel she doesn't have to worry about you as much, so she lets you roam free.
She may feel he is more of a "baby" and may need to mother him more. Probably the wrong approach to someone so lazy but think of it that way instead?
Seriously though, write your Mum a letter and your brother a letter, and post it under thier door before you go to bed (they have time to mull it over that way)
I did this with my mum. I told her some harsh truths but because it was in a letter form she was able to process the information overnight, rather than take the defensive and argue with me, if it had been a conversation.
The following night she wrote me a letter back and told me things she wouldn't have if we had had a conversation. If people are drunk, chances are they may be aggressive or hostile, plus it possibly won't be remembered in the morning. Be strong! Go for it! Etc xx
This is true...just say what you fell, and nothing else but that, only then can you make a difference! 
Your brother is literally a brat. He will end up on streets or staying on benefits all his life if he doesnt make any changes.
I really feel bad for your situation, it did make me sad reading your story, you DONT deserve this at all. Hopefully he is going to realised as soon as possible and searching for a job or maybe going back in school for more qualifications.
I really feel bad for your situation, it did make me sad reading your story, you DONT deserve this at all. Hopefully he is going to realised as soon as possible and searching for a job or maybe going back in school for more qualifications.
hit him. teach him a lesson
Your brother may literally not know what to do with himself.
I suggest that you go down to the Army, Navy and RAF careers offices with him and show him what opportunities are available.
Not all roles are soldier roles or front line roles and you will be surprised at the potential opportunities available.
This will allow him to start over and retrain for a role in IT, vehicle Maintenance, Medical, Environment Science etc.
He will be with a lot of people his own age and even if he does not have any formal qualifications he can still join.
Hopefully this will give him a sense of purpose.
I suggest that you go down to the Army, Navy and RAF careers offices with him and show him what opportunities are available.
Not all roles are soldier roles or front line roles and you will be surprised at the potential opportunities available.
This will allow him to start over and retrain for a role in IT, vehicle Maintenance, Medical, Environment Science etc.
He will be with a lot of people his own age and even if he does not have any formal qualifications he can still join.
Hopefully this will give him a sense of purpose.
Original post by LouiseRu
Your brother may literally not know what to do with himself.
I suggest that you go down to the Army, Navy and RAF careers offices with him and show him what opportunities are available.
Not all roles are soldier roles or front line roles and you will be surprised at the potential opportunities available.
This will allow him to start over and retrain for a role in IT, vehicle Maintenance, Medical, Environment Science etc.
He will be with a lot of people his own age and even if he does not have any formal qualifications he can still join.
Hopefully this will give him a sense of purpose.
I suggest that you go down to the Army, Navy and RAF careers offices with him and show him what opportunities are available.
Not all roles are soldier roles or front line roles and you will be surprised at the potential opportunities available.
This will allow him to start over and retrain for a role in IT, vehicle Maintenance, Medical, Environment Science etc.
He will be with a lot of people his own age and even if he does not have any formal qualifications he can still join.
Hopefully this will give him a sense of purpose.
This was a problem 10 years ago, I'd hope OP's brother has sorted his life out by now
Noticed this was made 10 years ago but below is good advice for anyone searching for it.
Your mum won’t do anything, I have had a similar situation and when I finally called my brother out on his bull **** he started crying and explained why he is how he is. As hard as it may be for you, I personally think that is the only way you can get an answer out of him. I also suggest convincing your mum to give him a move out date. Don’t say we need to kick him out but go more with the benefits of being independent and the life lessons you learn from it. He will only understand when he has to support himself fully and try and find time to be lazy while he has all those responsibilities. You seem like a good kid and you respect your mum which is awesome. Don’t cut yourself up over the fact that he isn’t doing this or that, pick up the courage to call him out and keep going until you get an answer from him. What you also need to understand is people, they may be born with it, it may be learned, they don’t all have common sense. It’s common sense to respect your parents if they love you and provide for you, common sense to work and earn money and not procrastinate. The only way he will learn common sense is by being independent and learning it through experience. 1. Call him out 2. Convince your mum to kick him outOnce you’ve done that wait a month and their will be huge results
Your mum won’t do anything, I have had a similar situation and when I finally called my brother out on his bull **** he started crying and explained why he is how he is. As hard as it may be for you, I personally think that is the only way you can get an answer out of him. I also suggest convincing your mum to give him a move out date. Don’t say we need to kick him out but go more with the benefits of being independent and the life lessons you learn from it. He will only understand when he has to support himself fully and try and find time to be lazy while he has all those responsibilities. You seem like a good kid and you respect your mum which is awesome. Don’t cut yourself up over the fact that he isn’t doing this or that, pick up the courage to call him out and keep going until you get an answer from him. What you also need to understand is people, they may be born with it, it may be learned, they don’t all have common sense. It’s common sense to respect your parents if they love you and provide for you, common sense to work and earn money and not procrastinate. The only way he will learn common sense is by being independent and learning it through experience. 1. Call him out 2. Convince your mum to kick him outOnce you’ve done that wait a month and their will be huge results
(edited 4 years ago)
I don't know someone help me to]
I don't know someone help me to]
As long as he is trying to work and get a job, that should be good. How do you know hes not doing online stuff? He doesnt need to tell you everything. Also, is not right to judge others. Stop judging him. Also, its not right for him to get drunk and make alot of noise either. He might need to see a therapist. If hes stop getting drunk and making a rukus than he is good. As long as he is paying the bills that should be good too. Getting drunk is distraction is the only problem.
Original post by Mned95
Noticed this was made 10 years ago but below is good advice for anyone searching for it.
Your mum won’t do anything, I have had a similar situation and when I finally called my brother out on his bull **** he started crying and explained why he is how he is. As hard as it may be for you, I personally think that is the only way you can get an answer out of him. I also suggest convincing your mum to give him a move out date. Don’t say we need to kick him out but go more with the benefits of being independent and the life lessons you learn from it. He will only understand when he has to support himself fully and try and find time to be lazy while he has all those responsibilities. You seem like a good kid and you respect your mum which is awesome. Don’t cut yourself up over the fact that he isn’t doing this or that, pick up the courage to call him out and keep going until you get an answer from him. What you also need to understand is people, they may be born with it, it may be learned, they don’t all have common sense. It’s common sense to respect your parents if they love you and provide for you, common sense to work and earn money and not procrastinate. The only way he will learn common sense is by being independent and learning it through experience. 1. Call him out 2. Convince your mum to kick him outOnce you’ve done that wait a month and their will be huge results
Your mum won’t do anything, I have had a similar situation and when I finally called my brother out on his bull **** he started crying and explained why he is how he is. As hard as it may be for you, I personally think that is the only way you can get an answer out of him. I also suggest convincing your mum to give him a move out date. Don’t say we need to kick him out but go more with the benefits of being independent and the life lessons you learn from it. He will only understand when he has to support himself fully and try and find time to be lazy while he has all those responsibilities. You seem like a good kid and you respect your mum which is awesome. Don’t cut yourself up over the fact that he isn’t doing this or that, pick up the courage to call him out and keep going until you get an answer from him. What you also need to understand is people, they may be born with it, it may be learned, they don’t all have common sense. It’s common sense to respect your parents if they love you and provide for you, common sense to work and earn money and not procrastinate. The only way he will learn common sense is by being independent and learning it through experience. 1. Call him out 2. Convince your mum to kick him outOnce you’ve done that wait a month and their will be huge results
Stop yelling at him jeesus. People dont learn by yelling at them. You need to show him care and love. Tell him nicely. Help him do it and encourage him!
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