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What constitutes cheating?
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Hehehehehe, 69 think kissing, hehehe!
Isn't this all quite patently subjective; something decided between couples? One could well argue any such demonstration to be quite innocuous in the absence of a comitant lust or amorous intention on the part of the instigator; conversely, why should not the motivation to "cheat" take precedence over the act itself? Such arbitrary demarcation between the respective significance of thought versus action is a panacea, founded upon mistrust: and yet, we should go quite insane, for lack of such safeguards (pending the introduction of cerebral probes as tools for "relationship consolidation", that is).
Inasmuch as I was able to trust my spouse, suspicion would needs be suppressed. Where deviation was evidentially apparent (Othello's "ocular proof", or otherwise), the format - be it a "touch" or "kiss" - would be quite negligible in its import: it is after all beyond my means to determine prima facie the extent to which intent was inhibited, in any given instance; the presence or otherwise of an emotional context, and so forth. Consequently, pending a discussion with my partner, I would neither presume nor allege an emotional significance as being concomitant upon her deviation; however, being as stigma invests greater symbolism into "third base" than "first base" due to their respective connotations - that is to say, sex has much greater potential implications (with its connotations of childbirth, for example) than a mere locking of lips, although either may yet be innocuous - one should surmise that one's partner having had sex with another is grounds for more somber consideration than would be required had they simply exchanged glances: the benchmark regarding what can be assumed with respect to intent is, after all, greater - she in all probability intended at the very least to have sex with this person, if nothing else - and as such, what gave rise to the situation demands a more in-depth analysis.
Ultimately, I should endeavour to pre-empt such occurrences by conducting my relationships in such a manner as never to elicit the motivation - via incentive - to "cheat". But in the unfortunate event, however unlikely, one would examine each case on its own merits; tempting though it may be to concede to dogma.
Of course, this signifies an ideal. As with most of what is resolved hypothetically, all semblance of reason will likely be shot through once I am occasioned to deal with such a scenario myself. Realistically speaking: I'd probably be no less likely than anybody else to fly off the handle
Inasmuch as I was able to trust my spouse, suspicion would needs be suppressed. Where deviation was evidentially apparent (Othello's "ocular proof", or otherwise), the format - be it a "touch" or "kiss" - would be quite negligible in its import: it is after all beyond my means to determine prima facie the extent to which intent was inhibited, in any given instance; the presence or otherwise of an emotional context, and so forth. Consequently, pending a discussion with my partner, I would neither presume nor allege an emotional significance as being concomitant upon her deviation; however, being as stigma invests greater symbolism into "third base" than "first base" due to their respective connotations - that is to say, sex has much greater potential implications (with its connotations of childbirth, for example) than a mere locking of lips, although either may yet be innocuous - one should surmise that one's partner having had sex with another is grounds for more somber consideration than would be required had they simply exchanged glances: the benchmark regarding what can be assumed with respect to intent is, after all, greater - she in all probability intended at the very least to have sex with this person, if nothing else - and as such, what gave rise to the situation demands a more in-depth analysis.
Ultimately, I should endeavour to pre-empt such occurrences by conducting my relationships in such a manner as never to elicit the motivation - via incentive - to "cheat". But in the unfortunate event, however unlikely, one would examine each case on its own merits; tempting though it may be to concede to dogma.
Of course, this signifies an ideal. As with most of what is resolved hypothetically, all semblance of reason will likely be shot through once I am occasioned to deal with such a scenario myself. Realistically speaking: I'd probably be no less likely than anybody else to fly off the handle
stephx
hm, perhaps i should've mentioned he'd fancied her for ages even before i came along. (and probably for a long time after, though he'd never admit to that.) the only reason they never got together would be because she wasn't interested.
it wasn't just the going out to dinner though, there were lots of other little things that just added up to make the whole situation 'wrong', and if the same thing/things were to happen now i wouldn't stand for it.
so yeah, i think "having a few friends that happen to be girls" is slightly different to going out on a one on one dinner date (yes, it was him who referred to it as a date), especially with someone you've obsessed over for months.
its like i said, people have different ideas of what they expect from relationships and some people would just let this kinda thing go. most of the people i've spoken to though (including my bf), do think it was wrong.
it wasn't just the going out to dinner though, there were lots of other little things that just added up to make the whole situation 'wrong', and if the same thing/things were to happen now i wouldn't stand for it.
so yeah, i think "having a few friends that happen to be girls" is slightly different to going out on a one on one dinner date (yes, it was him who referred to it as a date), especially with someone you've obsessed over for months.
its like i said, people have different ideas of what they expect from relationships and some people would just let this kinda thing go. most of the people i've spoken to though (including my bf), do think it was wrong.
ok then that's fair enough, it just sounded slightly OTT when you first posted it.
i do think i am slightly unusual in the amount of time i spend with my ex-bf, but my bf knew that when he met me and he knew that if he'd given me an ultimatum right at the beginnign i would have chosen the friendship of my ex (who had previously been my best friend and is still one of the people who i'm closest too).... but yeh sme guys i know would never have let em sepdn so much time with him (next year he's coming to glasgow so we've got loads of nights out etc planned)
lou xxx
I read this article whilst doing Psychology (it was about differences between genders and, well, I've forgot: it might have been evolutionary psychology but meh). It said that men feel more betrayed if their partner is physically active with someone else whereas women feel more betrayed if their partner becomes very emotionally close to someone else.
So, women are more likely to forgive sex if it's just that, as long as the man doesn't seem to be in love with someone else. Men are more likely to forgive that: if a woman has a very close male friend who she admits to having some feelings for, as long as she hasn't slept with him.
I found it quite interesting. Don't think it really applies in present times, though. Maybe within marriage but I don't think I could forgive my boyfriend sleeping with someone else, but I could probably cope with kissing.
So, women are more likely to forgive sex if it's just that, as long as the man doesn't seem to be in love with someone else. Men are more likely to forgive that: if a woman has a very close male friend who she admits to having some feelings for, as long as she hasn't slept with him.
I found it quite interesting. Don't think it really applies in present times, though. Maybe within marriage but I don't think I could forgive my boyfriend sleeping with someone else, but I could probably cope with kissing.
Sarah7
I read this article whilst doing Psychology (it was about differences between genders and, well, I've forgot: it might have been evolutionary psychology but meh). It said that men feel more betrayed if their partner is physically active with someone else whereas women feel more betrayed if their partner becomes very emotionally close to someone else.
So, women are more likely to forgive sex if it's just that, as long as the man doesn't seem to be in love with someone else. Men are more likely to forgive that: if a woman has a very close male friend who she admits to having some feelings for, as long as she hasn't slept with him.
I found it quite interesting. Don't think it really applies in present times, though. Maybe within marriage but I don't think I could forgive my boyfriend sleeping with someone else, but I could probably cope with kissing.
So, women are more likely to forgive sex if it's just that, as long as the man doesn't seem to be in love with someone else. Men are more likely to forgive that: if a woman has a very close male friend who she admits to having some feelings for, as long as she hasn't slept with him.
I found it quite interesting. Don't think it really applies in present times, though. Maybe within marriage but I don't think I could forgive my boyfriend sleeping with someone else, but I could probably cope with kissing.
I have to say that I'd find the professed emotional attachment to another more threatening; to my mind, at least.
Sarah7
I read this article whilst doing Psychology (it was about differences between genders and, well, I've forgot: it might have been evolutionary psychology but meh). It said that men feel more betrayed if their partner is physically active with someone else whereas women feel more betrayed if their partner becomes very emotionally close to someone else.
I'm not sure about that. Obviously I wouldn't be best pleased if my girlfriend slept with someone else, and I doubt it would be forgivable, but it's the emotional betrayal that hurts the most.
I can imagine few feelings worse than knowing someone you're in love with feels more emotionally attached to someone else.
It's really the way in which you choose to construe the significance (or otherwise) of certain manifestations - which may in turn be attributed to the attendant stigma of being either male or female - that serves principally to govern your reasoning. The sex act is unimportant, by or in itself: it is when one imbues it with an emotional subtext - a phenomenon perhaps more symptomatic of the male psyche, than the female - that paranoia begins to take root.
Kissing with any remote feeling behind it. Something like truth or dare, spin the bottle, or the like isn't a problem. But having feelings for someone else and acting on them in any physical way is cheating imo.
As to whether it's forgivable or not, it depends on the situation and on the people involved. It's hard to say. Personally, I think guys who cheat are scum, and it would take a hell of a lot for me to stay with someone who cheated.
As to whether it's forgivable or not, it depends on the situation and on the people involved. It's hard to say. Personally, I think guys who cheat are scum, and it would take a hell of a lot for me to stay with someone who cheated.
I'm sure a lot of other emotional complications would come into it, but at a basic level, if my boyfriend wanted to sleep with someone else it would be clear that he didn't feel the same way about me as I do about him. A relationship like that will never be a healthy one, so I would get out. The same thing goes for kissing and everything else - I wouldn't do it, and I'd expect him not to.
Mild flirting is fine as far as I'm concerned - you can't police your boyfriend's every move, and I wouldn't want him to stop me from talking to men in case it could be construed as flirting. But I do it a lot less than I used to, and I expect him to hold back a certain amount too. I loved being single and flirting with blokes, and I tone it down now to save hurting his feelings, so I expect him to make the same small sacrifice for me. If he was flirting with someone so much that people thought the other woman was his girlfriend, I'd have some harsh words with him.
Mild flirting is fine as far as I'm concerned - you can't police your boyfriend's every move, and I wouldn't want him to stop me from talking to men in case it could be construed as flirting. But I do it a lot less than I used to, and I expect him to hold back a certain amount too. I loved being single and flirting with blokes, and I tone it down now to save hurting his feelings, so I expect him to make the same small sacrifice for me. If he was flirting with someone so much that people thought the other woman was his girlfriend, I'd have some harsh words with him.
Trousers
If he was flirting with someone so much that people thought the other woman was his girlfriend, I'd have some harsh words with him.
You must have words with him a lot. Men don't flirt with their gfs usually!
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