Should I stop seeing/sleeping with him? Please help. Watch

Anonymous #1
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Ok I am posting this as anonymous because I know for a fact he does browse this website and I would die a little bit inside if he saw this. SORRY IT IS SO LONG, I'VE TRIED TO BREAK IT DOWN INTO READABLE CHUNKS.

Basically, there is a guy on my course, he is in the halls next to mine, and I really like him. We've been getting together since about September.

I made the mistake of sleeping with him pretty soon after we met.

Which was stupid now I think about it. But I like sex and I fancied him and found him attractive so I slept with him and it was good so I did it again etc.

We had this thing for a couple of months where we'd just text and meet up in the evenings, watch films and end up sleeping together. or we'd sleep together when drunk. We never discussed it but we both knew that when the other one said 'do you want to come over and watch something' that we'd basically just end up staying up untill the early hours of the morning then have sex.

But, I like him in a way more than just sex, we have the same interests, do the same subject, have loads of the same views and opinions, and when we don't agree we have really interesting in depth conversations.

I asked him a couple of months ago where it was going and he said he "didn't want a relationship, wasn't ready after his ex" and I was upset about it but fine in the long run. Part of me thought if I gave it time he'd change his mind.

Now after christmas we've started seeing eachother more and more, and it seems different to last time. Like we do things in the day time together and go in town together or for lunch and things. And we spend time at eachother's rooms without having sex. Although we have had sex a couple of times. His texts and the way he talks to me definitely seems different, he seems to be doing more of the chasing rather than last time.

But sometimes he does seem offish, will go from texting me loads every day to nothing for days. He's so hard to work out, I can't decide whether it is because he is shy sometimes or he has a mini freak out and thinks I think we're in a relationship.

Am I right in thinking he's changed his mind about the relationship and likes me for more than just sex and maybe wants it to develop? Or does he think I am fine with it the way it is because I said 'fine yeah thats ok' when he said he didn't want a relationship?
So he's just going along with it?

Should I just stop sleeping with him and seeing him and leave it?

I really really wish I could read his mind. It is literally driving me crazy.

Any male points of view would be very very welcome, or anyone who has been through the same.

Thanks for taking the time to reading and thanks so much in advance!
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grape:)
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Sit him down and ask him. -The only way to know.
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dave180
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Jezus thats a short essay

It sounds like you guys are really good mates but that perhaps he's using you a bit. He might know you have feelings for him and he's taking advantage of them.

Alternativly he might feel the same way and not know how to express his feelings to you because he's afraid you might stop seeing him. Lots of guys, including me, have been in this situation before.

I guess you'll have to make up your own mind. I wouldn't let things carry on the way they are if i were you because its obviously not making you happy.
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ViolatedTreason
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just ask him if he wants to take it any further.. if he says no, then cut him off.. no sex at all..
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makinghistory
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You sound like me.

Stop sleeping with him and ask.

Although i am always too scared to ask incase they say no and then I'm upset.

I figured it's better to be with someone who at least likes me a bit and delude myself, than have no one.

Actually don't listen to me! Do the opposite!
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chazilton
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I asked him a couple of months ago where it was going and he said he "didn't want a relationship, wasn't ready after his ex"
(Original post by Anonymous)
Part of me thought if I gave it time he'd change his mind.
(Original post by Anonymous)
{reasons why you think he has changed}
(Original post by Anonymous)
Am I right in thinking he's changed his mind about the relationship
So he was clear and upfront about what he wanted, and you admit this isn't the answer you're looking for, but you hoped to persuade him to change his mind? Ever think you're twisting the facts to fit your theory?

(Original post by Anonymous)
Or does he think I am fine with it the way it is because I said 'fine
If I asked a girl about a situation and she said it was fine, I'd assume it to mean just that.
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Rock Fan
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As the others said ask him and if he says he still doesn't want a relationship, stop sleeping with him because it will only cause you more pain later.
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mr-breaker
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So let me get this straight.............you meet a guy in September, have sex with him, and are still seeing him. And the problem is..........

It's not like you go to his dorm room, have sex and he kicks you out before sunrise, is it? If you want more from him you can confront him, or try and maniplulate him on the sly, but this is very person dependent either way. Only you know deep down what you want and how to get it..................
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hi hello hey yo
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks for taking the time to reading and thanks so much in advance!
Anytime, I'm male by the way.

Sounds to me like it could be possible he is using you. Upping the commitment a notch the next term to keep you content. However, by the sounds of it, and going on the assumption that people are kind hearted and straight forward, it looks like he might be a bit of an emotional wreck. He is in a relationship, yet doesn't want to confess it.

All I would say are two things, and I say them because they really are the only things which I think you should do/bear in mind:

1) Talk to him about it. If you have to, explain to him that when you have sex and things, this means a lot to you, and you can't help it. Explain that you think you have liked him more and more since the 'relationship' began. Don't worry if you think you are embarrassing yourself, surely there's a lot more at stake here than just that - not to mention he will probably be impressed at himself.

2) Stay on the back foot. Try not to get anymore attached just in case.

When I split up from a 2-year relationship with my old girlfriend, even though I was in love with her still, I wanted to meet someone new. If he is not going to get back with his ex, I think it's a really stupid thing to say to you that you can sleep together, but not officially go out because of his ex.

By the sounds of the not texting some days, that's bad, I think. I would be texting you every day lol. Does he drink a lot, smoke weed, or other things which may make him complaisant - is he immature, trustworthy, etc - the true values you should be looking for in a relationship?

Can't believe I just wrote this :p:

Besta luck
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by grape:))
Sit him down and ask him. -The only way to know.
(Original post by ViolatedTreason)
just ask him if he wants to take it any further.. if he says no, then cut him off.. no sex at all..
(Original post by Rock Fan)
As the others said ask him and if he says he still doesn't want a relationship, stop sleeping with him because it will only cause you more pain later.
Thanks for your replies everybody....I know I should... but he freaks out about anything serious and he doesn't take hints very well so I'd have to be so forward about it that it would be way too forward and serious for him to handle...

Then that makes me think that maybe if I didn't ask it'd be fine, he'd start to like me... but if I asked he'd freak out and be like 'aahh bunny boiler' and I'll spoil things when it was nearly the right time. Oh god I really am deluded.

(Original post by chazilton)
So he was clear and upfront about what he wanted, and you admit this isn't the answer you're looking for, but you hoped to persuade him to change his mind? Ever think you're twisting the facts to fit your theory?
I know I probably am, I think that's why I need some outside perspective from you guys, because going over it my own head doesn't do any good 'cause I am clearly just a little bit mad.

(Original post by mr-breaker)
So let me get this straight.............you meet a guy in September, have sex with him, and are still seeing him. And the problem is..........

It's not like you go to his dorm room, have sex and he kicks you out before sunrise, is it? If you want more from him you can confront him, or try and maniplulate him on the sly, but this is very person dependent either way. Only you know deep down what you want and how to get it..................
Yeah the other part of me thinks that as well! ..... why am I complaining? I am getting attention and sex and I like him so why am I making a deal and wanting more? Why do I want a relationship from someone so hot and cold anyway? hmmmm....:confused:

Thanks everybody for your advice.:o:
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by hi hello hey yo)
Anytime, I'm male by the way.

Sounds to me like it could be possible he is using you. Upping the commitment a notch the next term to keep you content. However, by the sounds of it, and going on the assumption that people are kind hearted and straight forward, it looks like he might be a bit of an emotional wreck. He is in a relationship, yet doesn't want to confess it.

All I would say are two things, and I say them because they really are the only things which I think you should do/bear in mind:

1) Talk to him about it. If you have to, explain to him that when you have sex and things, this means a lot to you, and you can't help it. Explain that you think you have liked him more and more since the 'relationship' began. Don't worry if you think you are embarrassing yourself, surely there's a lot more at stake here than just that - not to mention he will probably be impressed at himself.

2) Stay on the back foot. Try not to get anymore attached just in case.

When I split up from a 2-year relationship with my old girlfriend, even though I was in love with her still, I wanted to meet someone new. If he is not going to get back with his ex, I think it's a really stupid thing to say to you that you can sleep together, but not officially go out because of his ex.

By the sounds of the not texting some days, that's bad, I think. I would be texting you every day lol. Does he drink a lot, smoke weed, or other things which may make him complaisant - is he immature, trustworthy, etc - the true values you should be looking for in a relationship?

Can't believe I just wrote this :p:

Besta luck
Hiya, that was all really helpful thank you.

Sounds like you know him! I think either he is upping the committment to keep me content and still get sex and attention when he needs it. But on the other hand he's quite a sensitive shy guy sometimes, and he did split up with his girlfriend right before coming to uni so maybe he is just an emotional mess- I just wish I knew which one!!!

I really should talk to him, I just need to decide how to do without coming across like a psycho, 'cause I feel like i don't really have a leg to stand on, I can't be like 'why are you leading me on' because he will be like 'uhh I never promised you anything you are reading too far into it'.

And the not texting back thing, yeaah he is really complacent, he is quite immature about things as well, you're so right!

Thanks for your post made me think a bit more logically!
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks for your replies everybody....I know I should... but he freaks out about anything serious and he doesn't take hints very well so I'd have to be so forward about it that it would be way too forward and serious for him to handle...

Then that makes me think that maybe if I didn't ask it'd be fine, he'd start to like me... but if I asked he'd freak out and be like 'aahh bunny boiler' and I'll spoil things when it was nearly the right time. Oh god I really am deluded.


I know I probably am, I think that's why I need some outside perspective from you guys, because going over it my own head doesn't do any good 'cause I am clearly just a little bit mad.


Yeah the other part of me thinks that as well! ..... why am I complaining? I am getting attention and sex and I like him so why am I making a deal and wanting more? Why do I want a relationship from someone so hot and cold anyway? hmmmm....:confused:

Thanks everybody for your advice.:o:
Where are you at uni, out of interest? His name isn't Matt, is it? (this is all Anon and it just sounds like a guy I know of, is all).
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by dave180)
Jezus thats a short essay

It sounds like you guys are really good mates but that perhaps he's using you a bit. He might know you have feelings for him and he's taking advantage of them.

Alternativly he might feel the same way and not know how to express his feelings to you because he's afraid you might stop seeing him. Lots of guys, including me, have been in this situation before.
I guess you'll have to make up your own mind. I wouldn't let things carry on the way they are if i were you because its obviously not making you happy.
I really hope it is the bolded part :o:
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Anonymous #3
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i'm with my bf for more than 1 year now. We started pretty much the same way as you except that we didnt have sex, and i knew he liked me at that time.

ask him again, just tell him that you want to know.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Where are you at uni, out of interest? His name isn't Matt, is it? (this is all Anon and it just sounds like a guy I know of, is all).
leicester.

No it isn't, if it was then at least we'd both know he was definitely a ****
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
leicester.

No it isn't, if it was then at least we'd both know he was definitely a ****

Ha basically it sounds like a situation on of my friends had going on with her ex. They dated for a year, while he was in upper sixth and she lower sixth and then attempted a LDR for a few weeks, his first few weeks at uni. She went to stay with him once and it turned out he had started sleeping with this girl who lived in his halls just before she came up. The girl had even come and said hi, and watched a film with my friend while her boyfriend was at lectures! Since then they broke up, and my friend is totally over him but her boyfriend is - oddly - still completely hung up on her, although is unable to stop sleeping with this other girl who he claims to have no emotional attachment to. F*** buddies, so to speak. He's always claiming my friend is the love of his life etc, but I keep wondering what this other girl must be feeling and whether she's happy just being sex to him.

Sorry to steal your thread, it just reminded me and seemed a fairly similar situation (depending on the unknown attitude of your sort-of boyfriend, I hope he's not as much of a **** as this guy!)
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ViolatedTreason
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just ask him.. if he says no, then he is just using you.. sorry..
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SeVentrancE
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Unfortunatly, a lot of guys disassociate sex with emotional feelings. It's hard sometimes to see the truth, but often if a girl tells the guy 'she's OK with just being friends, and having sex', then that is all they are ever going to see it as. This sounds to me like your in a complex 'friends with benefits' relationship. It might never work out, it might get messy, but of course, I could always be wrong, and it could all work out perfectly.

The easyest way to get your answer would be to talk to him, but thats also the hardest thing in the world to do a lot of the time. Good luck.
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Anonymous #1
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Thanks guys.

Yeah I think it is at the moment just 'friends with benefits' but then why would he text me and ask me out to lunch and stuff, if he just wanted sex isn't spending hours with me a bit of a long way around? Bit too much hard work, how could he keep that up? I mean humouring me for that long?

Like if he wanted just sex wouldn't he just call me when drunk for a booty call, not spend hours watching films and talking?

Argm!

Next time we are together I will be like

" (their name) so have you spoken to your ex lately?/are you still not over her/what do you actually see me as 'cause this is all getting a bit overly complicated for my tiny brain"

or maybe I will just take the complete psyscho way and say

"I love you, I adore you, I want to marry you, now we have had sex in my mind that means we are together, you are mine forever, do you feel the same way? if not I will do something drastic. You're my soulmate, come and feed the ducks with me":cool:
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Lace
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(Original post by makinghistory)
You sound like me.

Stop sleeping with him and ask.

Although i am always too scared to ask incase they say no and then I'm upset.

I figured it's better to be with someone who at least likes me a bit and delude myself, than have no one.


Actually don't listen to me! Do the opposite!
I'm the same as this ^^
It's not how it should be!
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