need advice big time (very long read) Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 9 years ago
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hi

this is a true story and i need advice this is also a very long read but takin 10 minutes of ur time will my life for years

me and my gf have been going out 2 years next week and everything has always been good. at the moment shes in her 1st year at uni and so were in a long distance relationship and i see her 2 weekends a month, ive always trusted her and had no reason not 2 until now,

as we both trust and love each other loads we both know each others passwords to facebook, we never go on each others passwords as theres never really a need but a few nights a go i just got in from work and i logged in and my gf was online on facebook chat so i started speakin 2 her, she was taking ages to reply and i had a long day at work so for watever reason i just logged in 2 her account just to quickly check who she was talkin 2 then i would sign out, i logged in to find she was chattin 2 her mate from her room next door whos shes close to, me and this boy (lets say his name his bob). as i hardly meet her random friends from uni i didnt know who he was so i read their convosation( sum people may say thats really nosey but i thought it would be innocent and it seemed it) and thought nothing of it, i read my gfs convo to her roommate and i was quite shocked at what i saw the convo was this
roommate- you spoken 2 bob 2day?
gf- yeppp we are but its gr8 im speakin 2 him now, not dat much its just a lil chit chat..
roommate- and will he be stayin in ur room... probably dont ask him that lol
gf - lol no not again lol do not think that would be approiate!

now i was stunned, i sat in my chair feelin sick and confused, what did she mean stay in ur room again? i was totally pissed off,i signed out signed bak in2 mine and i rang my gf and i asked her who she was chattin 2 on facebook she said me, roomate, bob and and a girl from her course, i knew she wernt speakin 2 a gal on her course but i asked who this bob guy was and she said some guy on her course and plays rugby and hes quite fat. so i thought o ok then... chatted for a bit longer then went to bed not sayin wat i saw as i fort i may see more and then i can confront her,

the next day i was at college and it was the afternoon, my class were in the computer room and every1 was on facebook as usual, my gf was online so we were chattin etc i randomally came out jokinly said ur not cheatin on me etc and she was like no of course not y would u say that etc i was like im only jokin, i just wanted to see her reaction and it was pretty defencive.

she asked me wat i was up 2 i said collge work etc and just speakin 2 her online, she said same but she was chattin 2 an old mate from school days that she hasnt seen in about 8 months. i was like ok cool, she then said she had 2 go so we said goodbye and she went off line, i still really annoyed about the nite b4 logged into her facebook and her convo was still up from her school mate i read it and i felt like someone just kicked my head in and my cheast was battered,

the convosation was this
school mate -does ur bf(me)get 2 come down and see u much? and are there any fiitties trying to win u over loool
gf- ohh goddd!! dont even get me started! its soo hard theres this one guy BOB i reliiiiiii like him but i have to pull myself away from him!! na i aint cheated on him! doe i fort i mite aswell either break up and do it or not at all but i still really wanna be with my bf!
school mate - looooool is he a hottie o da will power is strong im very impressed, id say fuk it and go 4 it, but no stick with ur bf hes lovely, trust u dnt find that often hahahahahaha
gf- yer i na thats wat i fort but yer BOB is a fittie plays rugby, bit beefy my type!!!

that was the last thing that was said b4 the gdbyes, i sat there in class in total numbness, i copied down wat was said into my phone, i left college 5 mins later and met a m8 who i txt earlyier wanting to talk about the convo with the roommate now i had an even worst thing to tell him, i showed him and his face was like mine his advice was talk to her,

so thats what i did, i built up courage and 4 hours later i rang her telling her that i saw 2 convos. i told her about the 1st 1
hers what she said
the convo with the roomate about bob stayin on the floor is apperntly an ongoing joke between a few of the roommates and my gf, after a nite out a few nite b4 every1 went bak 2 their accommodation and in their kitchen, my gf said every1 was eatin bacon sandwichs and she went bak into her room followed by Bob, and they watched tv for 10 mins and he left and went home, i then asked so were u drunk? she said abit, i however remember sayin 2me that morning she was reli drunk the nite b4 so i was still unconvinced and still knowing that how she described him 2 her school mate, so i then asked so he left and didnt stay then? she said no he just left after eatin and watchin tv,
i was like ok then explain this one

i read the convo 2 her that she had wit her school mate
she said its not how it sounds and ive got it wrong, her school mate apperntly likes to know really personal stuff about peoples realtionships and when she asked about if any guy was tryin 2 get her she made the whole lot up just 2 please her mate, and that was it,

i was like what the ****!!! now i no my gf can lie cause she does it 2 her parents when she stays at mine as shes not allowed cause her parents are still abit traditional etc. but i said 2 her so y did u say this 1 guy bob 2 her and how comes u have been pushin them away as its so hard? she goes yer shes had people come on 2 her and she doesnt want to get with them so she pushes them away, bob apperntly has tried and shes pushed him away, i was like but y did u describe him like that? and y the fuk were u sayin about breaking up with me etc

by now she was in such a state crying it was hard 2 understand what she was sayin but i was bad aswell, she says ive got it totally wrong etc,



but how can i get it wrong ive seen 2 convos about her and this guy bob?
how would you take this seing ur gf of almost 2 years treat u like this?
should i really just execept that the 1st convo was a joke and the 2nd convo she made up for her nosey **** of a old mate?

ive booked tickets to go down to her uni 2mro and see her face to face, she claims shes never cheated on me but even if she hasnt, what ive seen.. to me seems like shes either mental for doing this and its all a massive mistake or she a very good liar and has now realised what shes actually done as shes fort that i would never see these convosations so shes covering her tracks to try and make up 2 me,
i love her soo much and i feel so happy with her but now ive seen these convos i dont know what to belive or feel?

does any1 have any suggestions on what i should say to her or what i should do?

my heart and head is all over the place.

thankyou everyone that has taken so much time to read this and give me support
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Blobbyy
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#2
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that was a interesting read, well, i never had this sort of situation before exactly, but, if she is still trying to cover things up, it means she still likes you right? and still wants to be with you? if not, then she would say, sorry, lets break up since u know everything it seems already. so if i was u, dont be too harsh on her, people need some fun and since shes in uni, she needs to experience the uni life too. i bet u she obviously made out with someone, without u knowing. so relax, talk to her how much u still love her, and it seems she still loves u too. forget the conversation, u werent supposed to read it in the first place, it was most likely a joke, as we always joke with mates dont we? see her and spend time with her and prove her ur still the one that she wants!
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Ginger_Rogers
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#3
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Argh. This is a very difficult one. Personally speaking, I think you have something to worry about....what she is saying doesn't really make sense, I would be suspicious if I was you.

In regards to what to say, it's hard to tell you. Try repeating your accusations again (not being confrontational, just talk to her about it). Her reaction when you ask her outright questions might give something away. Other than that, I'm not sure what to say. Sorry!


By the way, in any future threads try to avoid the text talk. It's frowned upon on this site...people won't bother to read what you're saying.
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Ginger_Rogers
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(Original post by Blobbyy)
that was a interesting read, well, i never had this sort of situation before exactly, but, if she is still trying to cover things up, it means she still likes you right? and still wants to be with you? if not, then she would say, sorry, lets break up since u know everything it seems already. so if i was u, dont be too harsh on her, people need some fun and since shes in uni, she needs to experience the uni life too. i bet u she obviously made out with someone, without u knowing. so relax, talk to her how much u still love her, and it seems she still loves u too. forget the conversation, u werent supposed to read it in the first place, it was most likely a joke, as we always joke with mates dont we? see her and spend time with her and prove her ur still the one that she wants!


Officially the worst advice ever. Congratulations.
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SuicideCommando
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(Original post by Ginger_Rogers)
Argh. This is a very difficult one. Personally speaking, I think you have something to worry about....what she is saying doesn't really make sense, I would be suspicious if I was you.

In regards to what to say, it's hard to tell you. Try repeating your accusations again (not being confrontational, just talk to her about it). Her reaction when you ask her outright questions might give something away. Other than that, I'm not sure what to say. Sorry!.
Agree with this.

And to whoever the first reply was, she could just be saying all of this because she's attached.

This is the problem you're going to have to get through, OP. You're attached to her, you don't want to let her go. But what's best? Ofc it would be to get rid of her..

This could be going against her trust, but could you talk to this 'Bob' on facebook chat and ask him if he knows about you?
I think she has cheated on you, OP.
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isawsparks89
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(Original post by Ginger_Rogers)
Officially the worst advice ever. Congratulations.
I agree.

I've read it and not completely sure what to advise, but on instinct, I wouldn't split up with her. It's bad that she lied about that guy's physique and looks etc, but it depends on whether you trust her or not, I guess. If I were you, I'd try and talk to her and let her know that I felt a bit hurt that she lied about him. Definitely talk about it face to face though.

However, wait for other answers to come in....
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samba
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I wouldn't trust her. Does seem like she still wants to be with you though.
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a_t
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Wow that could have been condensed to about 1 paragraph with everything still in it
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Joanna May
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I wouldn't dump her. It doesn't sound to me like she's done anything wrong. She fancies this Bob guy, but pretends she doesn't when talking to you because she (rightly, apparently) thinks that you'll be upset. The only lies she's told could just be to protect your feelings. I've told boyfriends in the past that I was sober when boys have crashed on my floor, simply because they'd jump to conclusions if I said I was drunk, and I've talked to my friends about how I fancy other boys while in relationships. So I don't think she's done anything wrong at all, and if anything was probably trying to spare your feelings because she knew you wouldn't understand.

That said, if you don't trust her, then you shouldn't be with her. It's not fair on either of you, if you distrust her enough to read her facebook messages and don't believe her when she tells you things.

If she's given you the password to her facebook account, then she knows you can read what she's saying. The fact that she mentions Bob knowing you can see it would suggest to me that she's joking or whatever. She'd have to be pretty thick to talk about things like that if she was actually cheating on you. If she was cheating, she probably wouldn't talk about it at all. And if she's thick enough to cheat and talk about the guy knowing you could see it, she probably wouldn't have denied cheating in the first place.
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Ginger_Rogers
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(Original post by Joanna May)
I've told boyfriends in the past that I was sober when boys have crashed on my floor, simply because they'd jump to conclusions if I said I was drunk, and I've talked to my friends about how I fancy other boys while in relationships.

My, you sound like a swell girlfriend.
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 9 years ago
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hey thankyou everyone that has left a reply so far,

in response to what some people have said about me knowing her password, well she knows mine and she goes on mine aswell we have always trusted each other so it wouldnt be a problem but like you said why would she discuss cheating with her mates if she knew i could go on and see, well i dont go on her facebook everyday and she didnt seem to know that i can look at her past history on facebook chat once it convosations were gone, yer it may show i dont seem to trust her by going on and reading them but she does it to me sometimes, we both do it as we are bored and cause we get to see each other only 6 days a month. checking up on each other is something to do and after 2 years together its never been a problem so thats why neither of us have ever made such a fuss about it.

i was writing my post at 1.30 in the morning in the dark so you could see why it was a bit text like.

she has texted my loads about how she doesnt want to lose me and how much she loves me but if i wanted to break up with her she would understand why. the thing is like people have said im attached to her and she was only trying to save my feelings when she was saying her reasons for the convosations.

this brings me to the convosations again, i was thinking why when she was asked by her school mate if there was any other guys? why didnt my gf just say no?... why would she use so much detail in describing him and how her feelings were? why say she may break up with me to go with him if it was a joke or she was making it all up? this is what i dont understand and why im so angry and annoyed. she used so much detail that it for me was hard for me to give her the benefit of the doubt. i asked her about this and she said she didnt know why she said it and was all a mistake etc. but then i was thinking how can she call this schoolmate a friend when she snoops and goes into peoples lifes looking for gossip and my gf hasnt even spokern to her since last june.

we ment to be going paris next weekend as a annerversary weekend and ive been looking forward too it for months but now i just dont know.
im going up later today by train but my return tickets not till friday evening, i guess i booked it for then because if we do make up i can spend 2 nights with her and we can chill out and she can convince me still nothing has gone on, but if i find out that something has happened then im either stuck there for 2 days or i have to buy a ticket back home straight away.

i dont want to lose her but if she has done something then its gonna be really difficult to trust her again whilse shes at uni.

someone said that shes at uni and she has to enjoy herself and experiance things and maybe she has cheated, but why does cheating mean enjoying yourself? i dont think it does, her roommate she had the first convosation with has slept with about 5 boys since september and 2 of her other mates have slept with about 2-3. shes my 1st gf whilse im her 2nd bf but her 1st bf and her went out for only a month so she classes me as her 1st anyway even though i dont think of it like that.

someone said talk to BOB but he may not know anything she has said if she has made all this up,on the other hand hes tried to get with her but she said she pushed him away. so i dntno if its a good idea

yer i think she still wants to be with me she has been texting me like it everything is normal but all i can think about is this, thats why when i go and see her i can get a true story out of her,

so at the moment in my head ive got a few things these are
- she hasnt cheated on me, ive taken everything the wrong way and ive over thought about everything
-she has cheated on me and when i go up there shes got a story to cover her and i will end up forgiving her.
-when i go up there she admits to everything and she says shes really sorry and asks me to give her a 2nd chance

ive got these 3 things in my head, you may say im going in there and not giving her a chance but its so messed up.

this probably sounds like some sort of soap opera lol but soap operas dont ever get the feeling out properly

thanks to everyone who replys

i will reply at somepoint
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suicidal_dream
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i think... you need to really talk to her face-to-face before making any rash decisions... i'm sure that way you'll be able to tell.

an ex of mine was talking to girls and such in inappropriate ways when we were together, and i wasn't sure what to do. Turns out with him, he was cheating on me (I'm not saying that she HAS cheated on you)... but the only way you can really decide what to do/determine the truth, is to speak to her face-to-face, she'll give so much away if she cant look at you when you're talking to her - on the phone or online is the easiest way to lie, if she is lying.
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Baconator
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Number 1) You shouldn't really look on your girlfriend's facebook account just because she didn't reply to you quickly! Bit self absorbed, she could've been busy! It's really childish to be snooping on her online and to be fair, you must have trust issues to jump to reading her personal business so quickly.

2) Don't dump her. You love her, she loves you. I've sort of been in a similar situation before where I found out my boyfriend had 'feelings' for someone else and to be honest, I didn't contemplate splitting up with him. I'd been acting crappily and he'd been having loads of bad stuff going on in his life and he just got confused. Almost a year on from then things are better than they've ever been. I still get bothered about it but we talk about it a lot and he definitely regrets what happened. Talk to your girlfriend about it, it should be obvious what you need to do.
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Anonymous #1
#14
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in reply to baconator

yes i shouldnt be snooping on her but look at what i found.. if she really likes this guy and something was going on, i wouldnt know about it so when i go 2 paris with her, her mind might be thinking of this guy and ****. you said in your 2nd part that you found something similar with your bf last year and that he had loads of bad stuff going on and you were acting crappy, in my case though we have been getting on great and we were happy. so when i saw what my gf said in the convosations on facebook i was confused and upset. im glad you and your boyfriend have got better and are fine.
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alphabet_soup
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I'd say you should talk to her openly and honestly and as much as you love her let her know that you want her to be happy and if that means leaving you so be it. I know this seems like it's making it easy on her but she's more likely to tell you honestly how she's feeling. Tell her how much you love her and it will break your heart but you'd rather that than be with her making her unhappy. I think if I was the girl in this situation mu boyf saying that to me would make me be more honest cos otherwise I'd be worrying too much about hurting my bf's feelings to admit there was something wrong. Hope everything works out for you but I would say the conversations don't really mean anything and even if she fancies this guy i bet there's been girls you've fancied a little bit too. As long as you don't act on it and know that you love your gf/bf then it's just a natural thing.
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Anonymous #2
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I actually did something similar with my boyfriend at the time a few years ago, although there were different circumstances to my logging into his account.
True, you can't help looking once you find something strange. I think something is important though. She's not lying to you and she's said it to her friends that she's not cheating on you. You need to give her the benefit of your trust and you owe her the benefit of the doubt in this.
If you're worried, then you talk to her. Clearly you're having some problems and you need to decide where this is going to go. Trust has been damaged and I'm not sure how you can really go forward from there.
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FunLady
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Wooooah that was a long read!
However, i'd wait until you meet up face-to-face before making any rash decisions. I don't think your girlfriend has been completely honest with you though.
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adilmorrison
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Tbh, if I were in your position, I'd end things... It seems to me, from what you've said, that she is attracted to this other guy, but because of your relationship, she won't do anything about it. That may be all well and good, but how long will she be able to fight these feelings for? Also, if I were you in a long distance relationship, I'd be feeling paranoid all the time...
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1_xxxSarahxxx_1
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sounds like she wants her cake and eat it too meaning she wants her uni life but doesnt wana let you go?

is it because she really wants to stay with you and sees a future or just cant bear thinking about you being with others?

sounds a bit harsh but it could be true
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LittlePrincess
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just make sure tho that it isnt just your paranoia
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