i'm sorry if this gets a bit long guys
my ex and i broke up in september after being together about a year and a half, although we once broke up briefly during that time. it was mainly to do with us being long distance that he ended it, but he was really horrible about it at the time, blaming it on everything except the distance, including me 'leading on' a male friend who'd tried to kiss me, when i hadn't, and for 'not being there' when his uncle died. i WAS there. i was on holiday when it happened and spent a ridiculous amount of time worrying about him and calling and texting every chance i got.
we didn't speak for a while after we broke up. but eventually we started talking again and he explained that he made up those excuses because he'd spent so long reassuring me that the distance would never overcome our relationship. i was so hurt by him breaking up with me and although we're friends, i don't think i'll ever be able to fully forgive him for it.
but now he wants me back. he keeps coming to visit me and staying for a week at a time, telling me he loves me and that he'll do anything for me. this makes him sound like an arse, but i do still love him. i enjoy spending time with him. buuut. guys, i dunno what to do. i don't feel the same about him anymore, i'm pretty sure i'm not in love with him still. when he visits, we kiss and cuddle and have sex like a couple, although it's secret from people who know us (my decision). i don't want to lead him on and he knows full well i'm not sure what i want. but he's pressuring me by visiting so often. and because he stays with a family member when he visits me, it's not like i can tell him not to come.
i do want to be with him. but i just think too much has changed now and i don't think it'll work. but he's completely in love with me and i can see that. he's so pressuring without meaning to be. when i'm with him i think about him completely differently to when i'm not. and because he was my first love i can't really imagine being with anyone else. i've been out with guys since the break up but nothing serious. my thoughts are getting a bit jumbled up now so i'll stop. i'm hoping an outsiders perspective might help. feel free to ask any questions if summats not clear