Apologies for any offense caused by the title, but argh, you really do deserve it sometimes.
I've always been pretty good at the understanding women thing, but I'm completely lost now. If anyone can stomach the insanely long read, I'd appreciate the advice.
You're probably wondering what on earth I'm dribbling on about, so perhaps it's time to explain a little. Things ended with my girlfriend of around 18 months, about 4 weeks ago. It was long distance, we usually saw each other about every 3rd weekend, and for a week in holidays. It'd always been hard at times but easily worth it.
Things changed a bit around October time, she'd always had the we'll be together for ever attitude, and it changed to an I don't know what's going to happen in the future, but I love you now, attitude. Growing up I suppose. Anyway, things weren't brilliant at October half term, it's hard to say what was really wrong, this just weren't the same any more (from her POV that is).
I saw her for a couple of weekends in November and that was good, but in the weeks after that I missed her a lot more, and felt myself becoming less sure of her confidence in the future of the relationship. I honestly don't know if that feeling was just paranoia, or me noticing something on some sub-concious level. We had more arguments about nothing, and it made us both unhappy. A big one before xmas seemed to have a lasting affect on her, and it ruined the week I had with her just before xmas, and I guess it was the last straw for her.
We decided not to see each other at new year, and just argued and stressed each other out more for the first couple of weeks of January. We decided to take a break and decide what we wanted, and after a couple of weeks away from each other, thinking, we decided we both wanted to make it work. I couldn't see her for another couple of weeks though. We ended up arguing and getting stressed again, I was saying she wasn't being affectionate and it was making things hard, she was saying we're always arguing and we're not happy any more, it's just the odd happy time between fights and unhappiness.
So 4 weeks ago she said it wasn't working and she doesn't even know if she still loves me and she doesn't want to do it any more. I agreed it wasn't working, but thought we could get back to the year of being amazingly good and happy that we had, we just need to sit down together, work out what went wrong, change whatever needs changing to fix it, and start again. She kept saying things like 'i just think we've had our time', and 'i really don't think we can get back to how it was, things have changed, we've changed, we don't work any more, we're not right for each other any more' etc.
She told me I just needed to accept that, so, I did. I was a mess for a week or two, but after a while I accepted it. It's over, possible really happy future thrown away, that sucks. It's not that I don't care, I love her the same as always, and all I want is to be with her, for the rest of my life. I just accepted that it wasn't going to happen, and got on with what was going to be a less happy life, but a life all the same, so I may as well get on with living it.
We were on good terms and speaking occasionally, just about general things, not really "us". Until she tells me that she's surprised that I seem to be fine with it, and just moving on, and that I didn't call her in the last couple of weeks to try to persuade her to try again.
I don't know if this is her being miffed that I'd accepted it so soon and agreed to move on, or if it was a hint that she wanted to be persuaded to try again.
It's no use me trying to persuade her, because I say the same things. We've barely seen each other since November, of course we can work it out. We are right for each other, it's just been a shitty couple of months. We can start again and make each other happy again. And she says the same, 'no, I don't think we can.'
I think her bringing up the 'I'm surprised you didn't try to persuade me' really messed with my head, because I was moving on, and suddenly it's like woah, maybe there is still hope. She's been saying all this time that she doesn't know what she wants and needs time to work that out. I assumed from all the 'we've had our time' and 'we don't work any more', that what she wanted wasn't me, so I was moving on.
But I don't understand what she has to think about if she's so sure it's over, why not just accept it and move on. what the fudge is she thinking about and working out?? I had no idea what to do, I was just angry with her for giving up so easily and throwing it all away without trying again, and we ended up having a fight the other night where I said she was acting like a child, and adults work relationships out, they don't just run away and give in when it gets hard, and I may have called her a coward too.
Not clever, I know. I didn't mean it, or not in that way, I somehow mean a watered down version of the sentiment. Anyway, I apologised for that little outburst. We talked and I said, I don't understand what you're thinking about and working out, when clearly, you think we don't work any more and things can't be right again. She said I don't know half the things she's been thinking and feeling recently... which is a fair point, because she hasn't told me. I asked, but she didn't want to tell me.
So, what do I do? My man brain has devised a plan of action. Firstly, I know what I want, which is always good. If she called tomorrow and wanted to get back together, I'd say no. You see, I've loved her for a long time, and to me, what we had was something really special, that I would fight to the death for. I risked and sacrificed a lot for this relationship, and it meant more to me than something you can abandon when it gets hard. Knowing that she doesn't want me, and just wanted to throw it all away, leaves me with a kind of, 'well f*ck you then' feeling. But dammit, I love the girl more than anything, and want to spend the rest of my life with her.
So what I want is for us to both really want to make it work, then we can think about how to do that. It's nothing that's going to be fixed overnight, I don't even know how we'd fix it, I just know I want to try, and I want her to want to as well.
So, for the next few days, I'll let this random chatting thing go on, and see what happens. We are actually getting on quite well, so if fun and irresistable me gives her something to think about then yay. But I'm pretty sure nothing will change, so in a few days, I'll ask what all this stuff she's been thinking and feeling is, that I don't know about. If it's not something that gives us a chance, then I'll say: 'you clearly don't want to try again', let's just move on.
I'll end contact there, and get on with life. If after a couple of weeks without me she isn't missing me and wanting to sort something out, I'll know it's definitely over for good, and move on.
That plan seems alright to me??.....
Most of me says, you know what, I can take a hint. This girl doesn't want you any more, it's clearly over. Do yourself a favour and move on.
But there's a little but saying, if it's so over why is she complaining that I was moving on too soon and not trying to persuade her. What the f*ck does she have to think about when she's so sure we can't make it work?
And as long as there's that uncertainty, the little bit of me that would do anything to have her back won't rest.
Dammit, I was relatively fine a week ago... women! what is wrong with you people??