My mum died 2 weeks ago and im having issues regading grieving.
She had cancer and so i had quite a long time to come to terms with the fact she would likely die and it seems all my family have come to terms and are coping well. However i feel like im living in a bubble and it hasnt sunk in that she is dead. But i also feel like i cant talk about her or mention her. I also feel a kind of empty, sad feeling like something is missing.
I feel like im not dealing with it all properly, and when i look at how my family are coping, they are just getting along like normal and dont seem to be upset or anything, it reinstates that im not coping properly.
I dont really know why im writing this, i guess i just want to know how to deal with it properly
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Grieving over mothers death watch
- Thread Starter
- 28-01-2009 21:17
- 28-01-2009 21:24
Grief is a very personal thing, so comparing yourself to someone else will not give you and indication of how you should be coping. If you feel you are coping okay, i would still suggest talking to a close friend or someone close to you, it could be good to get all your feelings off your chest, bottling up such things makes you feel worse in the long run.
Its a very sad thing to lose a parent and im sorry for you loss, but in no way feel you should be moving on and feel like because your family are doing this or that and your not, you do what feel right. Take your time and when you feel like talking talk, there is no set pattern or way one person should cope with grief.
- 28-01-2009 21:24
Here have some advice.
Your mum has died, you need to think about your life. You don't need to be scared of Death anymore because your mum experienced it and she will be waiting for you and your family. Be a Man/Woman and do what you going to do. Don't be sad because everyone has to die oneday. Do what you going to do and stop thinking about your past. Be the Man, be the woman (i don't know your gender).. and make the most of your life.
- 28-01-2009 21:27
First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss I've never lost a family member, but I've got friends who have recently been in your position, and I've seen how much it sucks
There's no way of dealing properly with grief, as far as I'm concerned - some people just don't react (like me and non-family deaths), some break down completely, so become disorientated (as you seem to have). So, yeah, don't think that because you're not reacting in a certain way, you're not reacting 'correctly', because there is no 'correct' way.
Have you got friends to talk to? It might be cathartic to have a chat with them, just ask them to sit with you and talk - about your mum or about anything you want. Most importantly, take time to reflect on the good times and how things are
Your family are probably dealing with it in a similar way to you - unsure of what to do, so just living life as it was, as much as possible. Talk to them? You might find it useful, much like with friends
I hope this helps, and I'm so sorry.
Be happy, and see friends
- 28-01-2009 21:30
Firstly, I'm sorry to hear about your Mum. It's always going to hurt to lose someone close you you. People deal with death in different ways, there isn't a right way to cope, it has to be something that works in your particularly circumstances. Is there any kind of counselling service at uni or somewhere that you can use, it might help you to talk to someone you don't know about it face to face.
Your family are probably taking it harder than you think, they may very well be hiding their emotions in order to protect you and each other. Just because they are dealing with it in a different way doesn't mean that they're doing it properly and you're not. I know when my Dad lost his Mum he bottled up his emotions and pretended everything was fine but that just added to his stress over the following 10 years until he finally had a breakdown. So taking it 'badly' now might not be such a bad thing.
Unfortunately I can't offer you any better advice than to find someone to talk to about it, maybe a support group if counselling isn't something you want to try.
- 28-01-2009 21:32
Although it's difficult today to see beyond the sorrow,
May looking back in memory help comfort you tomorrow
- 28-01-2009 21:35
how do you know your family are coping?
They might be bottling it up inside.
When my grandad died (i was VERRRRRY close to my grandad), i felt i wasn't allowed to talk about him for fear of upsetting people, although i needed to talk about him... now i can talk about him as much as i like, and my mum appreciates it, that i remember her dad as fondly as she does.
Do you have a friend you can talk to?!
My friends mum died... wow about 16 months ago now and we went to her funeral and everything... we were there for our friend and i should hope you have someone also that you can talk to and rely on, just for a while?!
things will get better =] keep your chin up
- 28-01-2009 21:38
Try this website if you would like professional advice, a friend who was in a similar situation found it really useful. I'm sorry for your loss, I hope you find the strength to come through it.
- 28-01-2009 21:39
I'm really sorry you're having to go through all of this. Please don't think that you aren't dealing with it properly, it's only been 2 weeks. I find it very difficult to believe that nobody else in your family is feeling affected by it - it just sounds to me like you all aren't communicating very well. Could you try talking to them about her? Just bringing her up in general conversation and stuff like that, you don't have to immediately start talking about your feelings and grief if that doesn't come naturally. You can't be expected to be ok with her dying so soon after it happened, just go with your feelings and don't try to convince yourself that you are fine if you are't. There's nothing wrong with being really really sad about it - the feelings won't last forever but that doesn't mean they don't exist in the short term! It took my family years to recover from the death of my dad. I know you've said you've had time to come to terms with it already and everything, but it's still going to be a difficult time you can't really avoid that. I'm sure you'll be ok and start to feel better at some point, but you can't force yourself to be happy if you aren't, unfortunately.
- Thread Starter
- 28-01-2009 21:49
Thanks everyone for the help and advice, i really appreciate it!
I brought it up once a few days ago and it ended up with lots of crying and a kind of air of hostility afterwards that its best not to talk about it. Ive got friends who are being helpful but i just feel a bit of a burden and also a bit embarassed about it.
- 28-01-2009 22:01
Don't feel like a burden - as friends, it's basically their responsibility to help
But in the same token, if they've got things going on as well, you shouldn't pressure them I suppose. If they're there, talk Or maybe even do something as a group - go climbing, go swimming, go for a run? Something pro-active and useful
- 28-01-2009 22:06
Don't compare yourself to them... they are being brave, which is a dangerous thing to do.
My nanna died 2 years ago, and I was very close to her. I was brave for the rest of my family's sake, but in the end it was the worst thing to do. You cannot bottle it all up, and it will be your undoing. The lesson to learn here is that when you're grieving, which is a very serious time in your life, you have to do what you feel like doing. Go a little bit crazy, as it were. Stoicism is not healthy in this situation. You cope as 'badly' as you want, because coping 'badly' is actually coping well. In a year or so, the rest of the family will be comparing themselves unfavourably to how well you actually coped with it.
If you wanna chat to someone who knows a bit about it, but clearly hasn't experienced what you're feeling, PM me.
- 28-01-2009 22:26
My grandfather died last september.
I didn't know my father and grandad sort of stepped up to the role.
It's pretty ******. I still haven't come to terms with it.
It does get a little easier as time progresses. To be honest, I still catch myself thinking "I must ask Grandad about X when i next call them" Of course, I can't because he's not here anymore.
There's nothing that anyone on here can say that's going to make it better. Use your friends for help and support. Just vent to them. In the short term it'll help as you slowly come to terms with it.
Take it easy,
- 28-01-2009 22:33
I am so sorry for you loss.
I can't offer an answers but though the world may seem bleak right now, it will get better.
I think it is safe that the thought of all of us are with you.
Good luck. I hope things get better for you.
- 28-01-2009 22:35
I'm going to post seeing as I've lost many family members, including my dad.
People grieve in different ways, everyone's still adjusting to their new roles, even things as silly as 'But, mum used to always iron!' is still getting sorted, so there's going to be a while of upheaval. Even things like the emotional support you got from her will need to be replaced.
Your family's in shock; I know the feeling of living in a bubble, but I must say: see your GP, and try to see a counselor. If I had taken it seriously, I wouldn't have as many issues as I do today, so please do (Also, places like Cruse do, on the phone, too)
Don't worry about if you're grieving rightly or wrongly, try to stay strong, think positive, learn from it all (I know that sounds like crap, but life's just a journey, the more I go through it, the more I realise this.)
There is no proper way to deal with it, totally avoiding it, or bawling 24/7 and getting nothing done are both unhelpful, but any mix of the above's good. Whatever suits you, truly.
Keep strong for your family, they'll need you now more than ever (I don't mean don't grieve, but try to aliveate some pressure) and really good luck, it's a *****, isn't it?
Sorry for your loss, ,
PS, feel free to PM me when you're feeling low
- 28-01-2009 23:26
I'm so sorry for your loss, my prayers are with you.
It may be that your family are still all trying to come to terms, even though they may appear to be coping it might not be as straight forward. The wound is bound to still be raw and painful and it may just take a little time for things to settle further and for the time to start talking about your mum again to come.
Never the less, you obviously need and want to talk about this and there is absolutely nothing wrong with this at all, in fact it is commendable. Many people (including myself) pretend it isn't happening, block it out, try to forget: it isn't really helpful or healthy. I would recommend seeing your GP and asking for a councillor. Unlike friends you don't ever have to see them again, everything you say will go no further than that person and you don't have to feel like you're burdening them because it is their job.
You might also find talking to other people in a similar situation might help. I think one of the most important things to remember at these times is to remember: you are NOT ALONE. It may very well feel like this, the world can be a lonely place when someone so loved has just left us, but there are people who feel those same feelings of love and loss and emptiness.
I sincerely hope that you find the comfort and support you need and that when the time is right, communication will become stronger between you and your family.
There is a bridge of memories from earth to Heaven above,
It keeps our dear ones near us, it's the bridge that we call love.