The Student Room Group

Feel burdened by flatmate's depression

I don’t really know how to talk about this without maybe sounding unreasonable or selfish but I really have to get it off my chest.
Basically, I’m in my second year, I’m a girl and I live with 2 guys. One of them is on my course and the other is in his final year. The one that is in his final year has aspergers syndrome and suffers from depression. I would say we all get on pretty well and they are nice enough guys. We started discussing what we were going to be doing next year in terms of accommodation and we were discussing the possibility of keeping the flat we have on. But since this guy wont be a student next year it would mean that the flat would be liable to pay council tax (discounted of course) .I mentioned the situation with the council tax but I was made to feel like a heartless cow for making the reason that he couldn’t stay on at the flat money related. But if they really knew what the real reason was I really would be considered a heartless cow.

I feel like I can’t live with this guy for another year. We get on well and he’s a nice guy but I feel he has been burdening me and my other flatmate with his depression. Perhaps my flatmate can deal with that but I can’t. I have problems of my own too and I’m starting to feel a bit overwhelmed. It’s been making me feel quite miserable and homesick. I really want to enjoy my time at university but I feel like I can’t when I’m made to feel like I’m liable for him. And his real problem is that he’ll never probably get over the depression, as he just always seems to mope about all the time feeling sorry for himself and doesn’t seem to take a pro-active stance towards it. It also feels that he is so self -involved that he can’t see that other people have problems and that everyone and everything has to work or function around him.
Maybe I’m just being a bit over sensitive or paranoid but I really can’t help what I feel. I know that probably my flatmate doesn’t feel this way or if he does he is too polite to say anything, but he hasn’t had to deal with the full wrath of his depression since he’s a really active guy and is barely in the flat. About October/November it got really bad. All he would talk about was his depression and neither of us really knew what to say since we couldn’t relate or understand what he was going through. It’s like he seemed to think we had an answer to it that would make it all go away. And the thing is he has support workers that help him out a number of days a week, yet he always has to come to us with all his problems. His support workers are trained and could probably help him out a lot more than we could.
One of the worst things that happened was that he got really frustrated and ended up trashing his room and screaming/shouting around the flat. I was the only person in the flat with him at the time and I was really scared. I had to help sort everything out and call one of his support workers to help calm him down. I haven’t told my parents about this since I know my dad would probably go mad fearing for my safety but luckily it was a one time occurrence and the dosage of his anti-depressants were increased. But now I am starting to worry that it’s going to happen again when this next dosage of anti-depressants stops taking an effect.

I think the best thing for all of us is if he moves out the flat when he graduates and lets us fill the place with another student. I think it really would be a good thing for him. He’s been unhappy for the majority of his time as a student and I feel that he has to move on from that if he wants to get over his depression. He’s never going to be able to move on if he continues to live with students, in fact I could only see his depression get worse.

I know most of you will say that I should talk to my flatmates about this but I’ll probably only sound conceited and selfish. Also I have no idea how the flatmate in question would take to what I have to say especially because of his aspergers syndrome. He usually doesn’t take things like criticism and such very well.

I just really don’t know what to do about the situation and I feel that both of them have been a bit off with me since I mentioned the situation with the council tax, which was really only me stating the truth. If the guy was to live in the flat again after graduating then I really may consider moving out and finding somewhere else, but that’s not what I want. What do you think I should do?
Reply 1
I havn't bothered to read that overwhelming wall of text but my advise would be tell them to get a grip and stop dragging you down to their attention seeking level.
Reply 2
hxmjam
I havn't bothered to read that overwhelming wall of text but my advise would be tell them to get a grip and stop dragging you down to their attention seeking level.


Oh goodness, depression, how attention seeking.
That's a difficult situation to be in. I'm not sure whether I can really help though - of all the people I know with depression, they're all very...active in trying to get over it, and yes, every now and again, they need a bit of support etc. Could you talk to his workers? Perhaps ask them what you're meant to say to him when he gets all mopey? They'll know him and his condition fairly well and might have some suggestions as what will help him respond well.

In regards to council tax, surely if he wants to stay on after he graduates, he should be the only one to foot the bill for the council tax?
you have to ditch him. There's no other option as far as I can tell, if you don't think you can live with someone you shouldn't because it is your life not theirs. He is acting atrociously and should have been removed from the university after that incident because it seems like he is a potential danger to others as well as himself. My university would not tolerate that behaviour under any circumstances. In our contract it stipulates that the university has a right to remove you if they believe you're a danger to yourself or others and from that he clearly is a very big danger. If it's a university affiliated accommodation then you shouldn't have any problem getting him removed and could probably get him institutionalised, which to be honest is very likely the right thing to do.

I have no sympathy for people with depression who go crazy and become volatile, trashing things. He has demonstrated that he can't live in civil society by doing that and you shoudln't have to put up with him, but similarly you shouldn't have to move.

Talk to your parents about it and your other flatmate and go to the university accommodation office and explain the situation and how scared you were. They will very likely force him to move out if it's university managed accommodation, if not then they'll help you find somewhere next year.

With accommodation chioces you have to be ruthless becuase there's no point being lumbered with someone you're not happy with for ages. I have been and I've lost friends over it, but I'm better off as a result.
Reply 5
moonlit_streets
That's a difficult situation to be in. I'm not sure whether I can really help though - of all the people I know with depression, they're all very...active in trying to get over it, and yes, every now and again, they need a bit of support etc. Could you talk to his workers? Perhaps ask them what you're meant to say to him when he gets all mopey? They'll know him and his condition fairly well and might have some suggestions as what will help him respond well.

In regards to council tax, surely if he wants to stay on after he graduates, he should be the only one to foot the bill for the council tax?


Trying to talk to them on their own would always be a bit difficult without him thinking there was a problem. Also, their there for him and they may not appreciate that I have problems with his attitude and such. They may feel that I truly don't understand his problems. They actually thought it was acceptable that he trashed his room that time which I think was pretty wrong but I suppose with people with aspergers you have to follow their trail of thought and agree with them or else their likely to get angry and frustrated. I don't really think I could talk to them.

In terms of council tax, both me and my other flatmate are aware that even if council tax was being charged that we still wouldn't be liable to pay for it if we didn't want to but I don't think we would really feel it to be right for him to completely foot the bill. Also I'm a little confused how he plans to finance his way next year since he wishes to take a year out and then go back to university the year after to to a postgraduate masters. I don't think he's planning to get a job so how exactly does he plan he is going to pay his way next year. Some part of me thinks that maybe he hasn't completely thought about things concerning this. But I don't want to confront him about this either on top of other things.
1. He has to foot the bill for the council tax if he wants to stay on. If he doesn't like it, tough. You don't have to pay council tax because you are a student, therefore you shouldn't feel obligated.
2. It's your flat too. If your other flatmate feels the same way as you, you should really ask him to leave. Do you really want to live with him again because you were too afraid to say something?
Reply 7
Just replying to say you all sound horrible. You have no idea how horrid depression can be mixed with aspergers, you are all so disgustingly ignorant you make me feel sick. I hope to God none of you are studying anything psychology related or care related because you would be awful.
Reply 8
Original post by Ktea92
Just replying to say you all sound horrible. You have no idea how horrid depression can be mixed with aspergers, you are all so disgustingly ignorant you make me feel sick. I hope to God none of you are studying anything psychology related or care related because you would be awful.

OK virtue signaller