The Student Room Group

defining dating...when is it a relationship?

Hi, I wondered if anyone can help me out with this one...

I sent a valentine card this year to a guy, but kept it very lighthearted and jokey and didnt sign it. He found out it was from me and acted all annoyed about it.

Then the week after, one of my flatmates bought a friend home, Dave, and he and I really hit it off and fell for each other.

The trouble is, he lives in london, and I live in Lancaster. I'd happily be his girlfriend but he says we shouldnt commit to a relationship with him being so far away, and that we should just date, rather than be boyfriend and girlfriend. This means we can see other people...he means to move to Lancaster in september, at which point he says he wants to ask me out. He says the only reason we are allowed to see other people is because he dosent want to tie me down. He says he dosent want to see anyone else, and that he intends to still be single when he comes to Lancaster. he just dosent want me to wait for him and turn down other guys.

meanwhile, the valentines guy cycled 94 miles to see me, bought me flowers, and appologised for his behaviour. I told him I was "casually dating" Dave, but a week later he sent me chocolates and said he wanted to "court" me. He's now asked when he can come and visit me, although hasnt said if this is just as friends (we were friends already) or as something more.

I feel guilty about the idea of having two men on the go, even if both of them know the situation. If dave wanted me to be his official girlfriend, I would, but as he's said we can date other people, should I date the valentine guy if he asks? I don't want to lead either of them on.

People say as long as they both know about each other, Im just doing the normal dating thing, but I can see myself getting torn between them and liking them both.
help!

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Reply 1
queenselphie
Hi, I wondered if anyone can help me out with this one...

I sent a valentine card this year to a guy, but kept it very lighthearted and jokey and didnt sign it. He found out it was from me and acted all annoyed about it.

Then the week after, one of my flatmates bought a friend home, Dave, and he and I really hit it off and fell for each other.

The trouble is, he lives in london, and I live in Lancaster. I'd happily be his girlfriend but he says we shouldnt commit to a relationship with him being so far away, and that we should just date, rather than be boyfriend and girlfriend. This means we can see other people...he means to move to Lancaster in september, at which point he says he wants to ask me out. He says the only reason we are allowed to see other people is because he dosent want to tie me down. He says he dosent want to see anyone else, and that he intends to still be single when he comes to Lancaster. he just dosent want me to wait for him and turn down other guys.

meanwhile, the valentines guy cycled 94 miles to see me, bought me flowers, and appologised for his behaviour. I told him I was "casually dating" Dave, but a week later he sent me chocolates and said he wanted to "court" me. He's now asked when he can come and visit me, although hasnt said if this is just as friends (we were friends already) or as something more.

I feel guilty about the idea of having two men on the go, even if both of them know the situation. If dave wanted me to be his official girlfriend, I would, but as he's said we can date other people, should I date the valentine guy if he asks? I don't want to lead either of them on.

People say as long as they both know about each other, Im just doing the normal dating thing, but I can see myself getting torn between them and liking them both.
help!


I have a friend who actually dates people, but it's something I've never done myself! It seems to me that the guy in London is just trying to be sensible for the both of you but if he says that he wants to be with you when he moves then he obviously likes you. However, the question is do you like him enough to wait around for him???

The other guy seems very romantic and penant, but do you like him more than the other guy?? Plus at the end of the day it's your choice so you don't have to see either of them!!!
quite frankly I think that if the guy in London is actually serious avout not wanting to be with anyone else, and the two of you talk often rnough then 'girlfriend/boyfriend' is only a title. If he considered himself your boyfriend not much would be different: he'd still be in London, still not seeing anyone else and still keeping in touch with you in the same way...
Though, if he's so insistant on not being your boyfriend and on the fact that you can date other people, and both guys know the situation, you really have no cause to feel guilty... Give yourself sometime to decide which one you prefer and on the meantime, enjoy yourself
Reply 3
yeah, I do like the guy in London best...we write each other letters, proper ones through the mail not just by email :-)

I guess I've been looking for ways to let the other guy down. If he's like "are you single?" then the answer is yes, if he asks "do you fancy me?" the answer is yes, which makes it sound so simple, I guess I'll just have to try and explain to him :-(
Reply 4
I would advise you to go for the London guy, but six months is a long time to wait for someone.

I'd talk to him about getting together now, if that's what you want. Long distance relationships are much easier when you know exactly when you can be together. Presumabley if you're both students you'll be free to see a lot of each other during the summer anyway.

If you don't want to start anything now...... I don't know. If it's worth waiting six months, and you feel that strongly about him, do it. On the other hand you could just be good mates with him and see whoever else you want, and see what's happening come September.

It really depends on how you feel and what you want between now and September.
Zurich
six months is a long time to wait for someone



:frown: :frown: :frown:
PS, whereabouts in the North East are you from?
Reply 6
feefifofum
:frown: :frown: :frown:
PS, whereabouts in the North East are you from?


All over it! Uni is Sunderland, home home is North Yorks, lived in Middlesbrough, Darlington and Newcastle too :biggrin:

Are you somewhere up here?
Reply 7
yeah, you are all right, Its never going to be healthy to settle for someone who you see as seccond best I guess. not fair on him or me. Question is, how am I going to explain this to him? *sigh*
6 months isnt so long, yeah, but I guess I worry that the london guy will find someone else even though he said he wouldnt :-s
Zurich
All over it! Uni is Sunderland, home home is North Yorks, lived in Middlesbrough, Darlington and Newcastle too :biggrin:

Are you somewhere up here?


Yup, I live in Gosforth in Newcastle
lessthanthree
just tell him this "dating " thing with the other guy is developing and you wouldn't feel comfortable having two on the go.

-in all fairness, he did have his chance a little while ago, and whilst he may have changed his mind since then, it'd be a little daft for him to get pissy with you over it.

mmm, agreed.
dump the zero, get with the hero.
2 on the go is not an option. You'll end up with them getting arsey. especially if you end up properly with one of them. they will feel the need to be better than the other.
stick with london boy, depite the fact he talks alotta poo (really, that whole line about dating but not being comitted blah blah blah. its just an act. trust me on this. its a test, and if you failit, you aint gonna hear from him again.)
Reply 10
stick with london boy, depite the fact he talks alotta poo


well, I did wonder if I was being naiive, its one thing for someone to SAY all these things, another for them to actually mean it...

..for all I knew, it could be an excuse to have a girl on tap whenever he visits his friends this end of the county :-(

...Love your Jareth theme btw! He rocks!
queenselphie
well, I did wonder if I was being naiive, its one thing for someone to SAY all these things, another for them to actually mean it...

..for all I knew, it could be an excuse to have a girl on tap whenever he visits his friends this end of the county :-(

now THATS thinking like a man. And probably pretty spot on. Fact is if he has a view to romancing you he wouldn't like the thought of you copping off in the meantime. After all wheres the jealousy, the fear you'll start dating one of these other guys etc.
Nah, doesn't sound right. He either is maneuvering himself into a 'girl in every port' situation or is simply testing to see how committed you are.
Reply 12
ooh, I hadnt thought of it as a test... I know he was hurt before in a long distance relationship, and I think she may have cheated on him, so maybe he thinks I'll do the same, and it's only insecurity...

On the other hand, I know he was casually seeing a girl before he met me, but hadnt heard from her for a month, so she could turn up on the scene again and he might decide to be with her. :-(

It's all so messy! I'm not used to having even ONE guy interested in me, let alone two at once!
Isnt it wierd how girls have to think like a lad to figure out what they really mean... honesty would work better surely?? :confused: Why can't people just say how they feel?? :frown: ... Anyway, I think you should keep dating these guys, just don't take the commitment to the next level... And if u like Mr London better, go for it... I mean, why shud sum guy with a nike come in the way of aomething that makes you feel so good??
Reply 14
Isnt it wierd how girls have to think like a lad to figure out what they really mean... honesty would work better surely??


I'd love to believe I have good communication skills, though I probably dont. I do write him letters, and we talk on msn and on the phone but...I feel like he can be a little vauge and I never know what he means. Short of getting a bit curt and bossy, its sometimes hard to get an honest answer out of people.

He wants to come visit on the first of april and stay for a week or so...but up until a few days ago he wouldnt give me a straight answer about when he'd be visiting again, and I was beginning to think he didnt want to. The suddenly, out of the blue he asks if he can come stay, without me even prompting. *sigh* so confusing...

good thing he didnt want to visit the same date as valentines boy wants to visit! Going to have to let Valentines boy know that if he does visit, it's just as a friend though.
queenselphie
I'd love to believe I have good communication skills, though I probably dont. I do write him letters, and we talk on msn and on the phone but...I feel like he can be a little vauge and I never know what he means. Short of getting a bit curt and bossy, its sometimes hard to get an honest answer out of people.

He wants to come visit on the first of april and stay for a week or so...but up until a few days ago he wouldnt give me a straight answer about when he'd be visiting again, and I was beginning to think he didnt want to. The suddenly, out of the blue he asks if he can come stay, without me even prompting. *sigh* so confusing...

good thing he didnt want to visit the same date as valentines boy wants to visit! Going to have to let Valentines boy know that if he does visit, it's just as a friend though.

Psssssh men!!

This is why I choose girls... Lads are far too confusing for my liking :rolleyes: ... I say you should play them off against each other till you make your mind up... Treat 'em mean n keep 'em keen!! :biggrin: ... but be smart!! So yeah, date em both until London guy can give you a straight answer!!

I know this may seem mean on the other guy but, even though he IS second best... he's also **here and now**, the one think Mr. London can't be...
Reply 16
my flatmate just came into my room and confessed he liked me O_o
tell me this isnt happening?
what the hell? I swear, I'm not making this up....why all the guys at once? Im not exactly typically good looking :-S
queenselphie
my flatmate just came into my room and confessed he liked me O_o
tell me this isnt happening?
what the hell? I swear, I'm not making this up....why all the guys at once? Im not exactly typically good looking :-S

Hey... its just your lucky day!! Make the most of it... :biggrin:

Hey, if you can have three guys on the go at once... why not?? As long as each of them know you aint exclusively dating them theres no problem!! Have your fun while you can!! :biggrin:
Reply 18
queenselphie
my flatmate just came into my room and confessed he liked me O_o
tell me this isnt happening?
what the hell? I swear, I'm not making this up....why all the guys at once? Im not exactly typically good looking :-S

it always happens when you least expect it to! don't think you're not good looking, you might not be "conventional" but neither is the majority of the population! and for these guys to be interested, there is some attraction ... anyways, not the point!!

the 3 guy scenario is hard ... a problem some would like!! but, you are in a sticky place! you've got to decide what YOU want and make your mind up from that! what these guys want is not the point so dont base your decision on them!! just remember that!

please keep us informed!!
Reply 19
I told him I can't date him.... my life is too confusing as it is right now! Turns out he was hiding it for months, and liked me long before the other two did.... eep.
I had absolutely no idea :-s but the girl he was with for a very long time until very recently is a friend of mine, so Just never looked at him as anything more than her boyfriend, and a flatmate, ya know?