How long until it can only ever be friends?

This is going to make me sound awful, but I've slept with a fair amount of people, and have realised that with practically every single one of them, I've slept with them the very first time I've met them. There are 2 who I slept with the second time I met them but I kissed them the first time. Of course what happens with this is that relationships aren't really an end result.

But I've wondered if I've somehow programmed myself into only being able to have sex with strangers. Because I've known this guy for 2 years and we've been friends, and I've found him quite attractive and he's funny and intelligent and stuff. And one night last week we got drunk and jumped into bed and it was a disaster. It felt WRONG like being in bed with my brother, whenever his hand moved anywhere it felt awful. I had to make my excuses in the end because there was just no arousal there at all.

So it seems like I'm in a position where sleeping with people I've just met is the norm. Maybe knowing someone for 2 years is too long for most people though.

So : 1) Do I have a problem?
2) Is there a time limit whereby it's impossible to think of someone as anyone else but a friend? Has anything like this ever happened to you?

Reply 1

M-J

1

it is never impossible i went out with my childhood sweetheart/best friend, but i know what you mean, i have a few friends now who are definately in the friend zone.

my ex infact thought me and him were in the friend zone....personally i had always belived it was a zone constructed by men to avoid meaningful relationships with people they actually care about.

But as a veiwpoint, jumping into bed when drunk isnt wise, and further to that with a friend it can never feel right (dispite monica and chandler). Its not a case that you couldnt have had great sex its that you were drunk, and thus couldnt have possible been completely aware that you were sleeping with your best friend and couldnt have thought it through,

I feel its not a case that there is never a time when there is the friendship zone, but pushing the boundaries of any friendship is not a wise move when drunk.

Reply 2

Zurich

9

I was friends with my first girlfriend for about 6 years before anything happened. Second one I met and things happened straight away, third one I was friends with for a couple of years.

So there's no limit for everyone, maybe you just work differently?

Reply 3

SilverWings

14

No... you can always get it on with a friend!!

Infact... thats the main way I go about things... make friends with em, then get in their pants (for want of a better way of putting it)...

Mind you, whatever floats ur boat yknow??

Reply 4

Wild Thing

11

as I do not sleep around I am thus not qualified to answer such a complex question in which I do not understand the fundamental morals being questioned.

Reply 5

veryjammy

OP

1

I wouldn't say I feel it adversely affects my life, but it seems that there is a general consensus that the best relationships often come from friendships. Although there is another broad consensus that after knowing someone intimately as a friend it can be hard for that to be anything else but a friendship.

The thing is I can never imagine sleeping with someone I've known for more than a few weeks. A few weeks ago I met this guy who I really fancied, and I've seen him 3 more times since then (not in a dating context, just normal life) and now I feel like it's getting to the point where I know him too well to sleep with him now. After THREE weeks!

It seems I've divided myself up very squarely into sex friends and normal friends. There are people who I've had sex with the first time I met and we have stayed friends and continued to have sex, and maybe formed a relationship. But I have never formed a complex relationship with someone before having sex with them. Because it sort of feels like I know them too well to have sex with them. A lot of people say they can only have sex with people they know well and have emotional intimacy with. I'm the oppostite; if I intimately know them I can't have sex with them. Unless I slept with them first time round, and then, because the sex was an initial part of the friendship/relationship, it feels natural there.

Complex huh?

Reply 6

Adhsur

15

I wouldn't ever be able to be with someone I didn't see as my bestest friend as well. And it's probably more likely that they are your friend first - you need that to be able to trust someone and feel close to them, surely? :smile:

But if you have been sleeping around, maybe serious relationships are not on the agenda and therefore it's silly for you if you are friends with anyone first. Doesn't it all make you feel really yucky though? Like, where's your dignity?! Surely things like that should be reserved for more special times? And surely, the better you know someone, (at least in theory) the better it should be?

How long until it can only ever be friends?

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