My personal Statement(what do you think?)

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minirichardo
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#1
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#1
Since my early teenage years I have had a strong interest in science, especially research. This began when I started comprehensive school and was given the opportunity to study sciences such as biology and physics, these gave me a small look into the world of science and made me want to continue towards this field in college and then hopefully into university. I would like to use this interest to progress in a university course and hopefully use this to push me towards a career which allows me to apply modern science and technology to medicine. Hopefully using it someday to help others. In February I will be going to Cardiff University hospital for some work experience in a science lab.

The subjects I am currently studying at A level provide good grounding in skills and knowledge for one of the careers I hope to pursue in the future. The physics as helped me develop experimental and along with mathematics analytic and problem solving skills. My third A level, geography, provides me with some variation in my study as well as ensuring my abilities have breadth, it also allows me to keep my options open for future career prospects.

By the end of my degree course I also expect to be a more astute, mature person. It is my current career ambition to have a job in professional research hopefully in the medical area. This ambition comes about from my interest in diseases and their cures together with the wellbeing of others. Your degree course is ideal preparation for such a career as it offers the knowledge and skills needed for this type of work.

Socialising is very important to me and I am always keen to meet new people. I hope to take full advantage of all the various social and sporting activities offered by your university and the surrounding area. Music is one of my biggest hobbies, I play bass guitar in a local rock band. I also play soccer for a local football team, which I hope to continue while studying. My other passion is hiking, I have climbed many peaks including the Breacon Beacons and Snowdon.

At present I have a part time job in my local supermarket, also, weekends I work in a local bar, I enjoy these jobs as they allow me to socialise and have made me a more confident and outgoing person. Just recently I helped organise a sponsored walk with my work colleagues to raise money for the Parkinson’s Society, a charity close to my heart as I lost my grandfather to this disease a few years ago.
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S1M
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#2
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In 2nd line should be full stop, not comma. After physics
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S1M
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#3
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also 4th line "progress in a university course" dont sound right
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guest
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#4
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(Original post by minirichardo)
Since my early teenage years .
Overall the content is very good but there are lots of examples of dodgy grammar! Will you be getting a teacher to read it over? Just a couple of points about content, I think the sentence "Your degree course is ideal preparation... etc sounds a bit like your creeping because they know that the application is going to five other unis too and all 6 courses cannot be equally ideal. Secondly, i dont think its wise to start the paragraph on your outside interests by saying how much you like socializing - particularly as you mention it again in the work experience!! They want ppl who are going to work hard.
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S1M
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1st line 2nd paragraph "one of the careers" I would rephrase to " the career"

"The physics as" - typo should be has
Would actually rephrase the wholse sentence:
"Physics coupled with Mathematics has led to the development of ....."
or similar


My third A level, geography, provides me with some variation in my study as well as ensuring my abilities have breadth, allowing me to keep my options open for future career prospects.

I would delete:
By the end of my degree course I also expect to be a more astute, mature person.

and delete "hopefully" from:
It is my current career ambition to have a job in professional research hopefully in the medical area.
and possibly change it to preferably


"My ambition was sparked from the phenomena surrounding the world of medicine; how diseases caused by microscopic pathogens can be cured by ...." dont do bio "I find this extremely fascinating and would love to contribute to the wellbeing of humanity."
instead of:
This ambition comes about from my interest in diseases and their cures together with the wellbeing of others.

"I feel that this course would aid me achieve this ambition."
Your degree course is ideal preparation for such a career as it offers the knowledge and skills needed for this type of work.
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S1M
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#6
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#6
yup as the unregistered dude says

remove:
Socialising is very important to me and I am always keen to meet new people.

and

At present I have a part time job in my local supermarket and during weekends I work in a local bar. I enjoy these jobs as they allow me to socialise, which I view as very important, and have made me a more confident and outgoing person.


btw: I am not criticising you in any way, i am just highlight how i would change it if it was my statement

and
get your ucas tutor/referee to read and correct it

Good luck with you application and your offers.
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minirichardo
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Thanks for your ideas i don think you were critiscising just glad you took the time to read it,thanks again.
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Bhaal85
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(Original post by minirichardo)
Thanks for your ideas i don think you were critiscising just glad you took the time to read it,thanks again.
Advice: Dont use the word socialise, to some admissions tutors they instantly get a feeling of somebody who spends their time in the pubs and cinemas, I know what you REALLY mean, but my advice is dont use that word. Use something like, interact with other people, or communication plays a big role in my jobs, etc.
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Unregistered3
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#9
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(Original post by minirichardo)
Since my early teenage years I have had a strong interest in science, especially research. This began when I started comprehensive school and was given the opportunity to study sciences such as biology and physics, these gave me a small look into the world of science and made me want to continue towards this field in college and then hopefully into university. I would like to use this interest to progress in a university course and hopefully use this to push me towards a career which allows me to apply modern science and technology to medicine. Hopefully using it someday to help others. In February I will be going to Cardiff University hospital for some work experience in a science lab.

The subjects I am currently studying at A level provide good grounding in skills and knowledge for one of the careers I hope to pursue in the future. The physics as helped me develop experimental and along with mathematics analytic and problem solving skills. My third A level, geography, provides me with some variation in my study as well as ensuring my abilities have breadth, it also allows me to keep my options open for future career prospects.

By the end of my degree course I also expect to be a more astute, mature person. It is my current career ambition to have a job in professional research hopefully in the medical area. This ambition comes about from my interest in diseases and their cures together with the wellbeing of others. Your degree course is ideal preparation for such a career as it offers the knowledge and skills needed for this type of work.

Socialising is very important to me and I am always keen to meet new people. I hope to take full advantage of all the various social and sporting activities offered by your university and the surrounding area. Music is one of my biggest hobbies, I play bass guitar in a local rock band. I also play soccer for a local football team, which I hope to continue while studying. My other passion is hiking, I have climbed many peaks including the Breacon Beacons and Snowdon.

At present I have a part time job in my local supermarket, also, weekends I work in a local bar, I enjoy these jobs as they allow me to socialise and have made me a more confident and outgoing person. Just recently I helped organise a sponsored walk with my work colleagues to raise money for the Parkinson’s Society, a charity close to my heart as I lost my grandfather to this disease a few years ago.
You seem to repeat yourself a lot in certain areas. Therefore, the statement will need a lot of rephrasing. In addition, you will need to delete unecessary words and sentences, 'My third A level, Geography', could just begin, 'Geography provides me....'. Definitely have it checked over before you send it. I'm not even sure which subject you're applying to from the statement.. there is no hintof passion for a specific subject; something admissions tutors look for.
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IDS
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#10
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(Original post by minirichardo)
I also play soccer for a local football team
If you call it soccer, they'll know that you read the Sun.
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not1
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'hopefully' is actually an adverb meaning 'in a hopeful manner'. its good grammar to avoid using it as you do... write 'i hope' 'it is hoped' instead.
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serendipity
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Since my early teenage years I have had a strong interest in science, particularly in areas of scientific research. This began when I started comprehensive school and studied sciences including biology and physics, which gave me a small look into the world of science prompted me to continue my interest in this field at college and hopefully at university. I intend to use this passion to enable me to follow a career which allows me to apply modern science and technology to medicine to help others. In February I will be undertaking work experience in a science laboratory at Cardiff University hospital.

The subjects I am currently studying at A level provide good grounding in skills and knowledge for one of the careers (say which one) I intend to pursue in the future. Studying Physics has developed my experimental skills, as well as my mathematics, analytic and problem solving abilities. (second A level?) Geography enables me to pursue my other interests of ... whilst supporting (chosen degree course) by building my ... skills.

It is my goal to have a career in professional scientific research in the medical area (let them think you have a definite career in sight). This ambition comes about from my interest in diseases and their cures together with my passion of caring for others.

Meeting and and interacting with people from all walks of life is something I gain a lot from, and I intend to apply this both at university and in my future career. Music is very important to me, and I play bass guitar in a local rock band, which enables me to developthis passion. I thoroughly enjoy playing soccer for a local football team, which I hope to continue while studying. My other passion is hiking, I have climbed many peaks including the Breacon Beacons and Snowdon.(what do you gain from these activities?)

Working part time in a supermarket and in a local bar have made me a more confident and outgoing person, and have helped me to deal with all sorts of people. Recently I organised a sponsored walk with my work colleagues to raise money for the Parkinson’s Society, a charity close to my heart as I lost my grandfather to this disease a few years ago.


I really hope you don't mind - i changed bits to what I would say, just as a suggestion, as it was clearer than typing them out individually. Writing my own personal statement was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do, so good luck - what you had to start off with is so much better than most peoples' personal statements!
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Unregistered09
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#13
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#13
a good first attempt a litle bit of fine tuning should be enough
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cutie
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#14
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#14
My first personal statement was utter crap this is quite good,just drop the socialising to much on that
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Danithestudent
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#15
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I would also drop the part about your grandad but not the whole thing. Just point out that it is very close to your heart but you don't want to seem as if your looking for sympathy wth the death of a loved one.
You need to remove a lot of your emotions in personal statements and tell them what they want to know without going ott which is very hard I know. I had to do at least 7 different versions of mine before it was right, good luck mate
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emom100
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#16
get rid of the "when i started comprehensive school" it's irrelevant. The tutors will know where you went anyway
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guiliangtang
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#17
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#17
Since my early teenage years I have had a strong interest in science, especially in scientific research. This began when I started comprehensive school and was given the opportunity to study sciences such as biology and physics, which gave me a small look into the world of science and made me decide to continue towards this field in college and then hopefully into university. I would like to develop this interest in a university course study and wish to use this motivation to develop my career so that I can apply modern science and technology to medicine. Someday I shall be useful to others. In February I will be going to Cardiff University hospital for some work experience in a science lab.
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Nylex
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(Original post by IDS)
If you call it soccer, they'll know that you read the Sun.
Does it really matter what newspapers people read? :/
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