The Student Room Group

A different kind of breakup

I've seen numerous threads about breakups which have resulted out of reasons such as a couple no longer feeling the same way, a partner cheating, etc.

I'm interested, however, to see if anyone has ever had to break up with someone despite both parties having equally intense feelings for one another. Maybe for circumstances that are out of their control. I suspect not many have had to do that but for example maybe you thought the distance or lack of contact made it not worth it, maybe there were parental restrictions, or maybe you just didn't realise what you had until you broke up (you thought you would cope but you didn't.) Maybe you had to lie and let them go for THEIR sake, or whatever.

Is it possible to recover from such a breakup? I suppose it's difficult enough having to get over someone when they have broken your heart. But how do you get over someone who you still think is perfect and who reciprocates these feelings?

For those of you who have never been in this position or could not ever consider abandoning your partner for outside causes, isn't there anything that would compel you to? Even if someone else's life was at stake?

Ultimately it's a question of whether love is really something you have to fight against all odds for (otherwise it's not love?) or something quite different in reality to the idealistic view of it that is presented in books and films.

Before anyone asks or speculates, this is not necessarily about me personally. My personal situation probably caused me to reflect more about this but I'm sure I would have been intrigued anyway. I would rather this thread stay general and not about me.

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Reply 1

I sense a phil collins song coming along.......

Reply 2

I know exactly what you are talking about. It's not so much about how you recover from the breakup, it's about how you recover from breaking someone's heart who you still have such strong feelings for. You're right - normally if you break up with someone it's because you no longer have feelings for them etc. And although it's sad, you still want to break up with them. But to break someone's heart as well as your own....

I know people say that if it's true love then you will do absolutely anything to be with that person, but sometimes that just can't happen.

Reply 3

Well I feel that if 2 people really loved each other, then they would never break up due to circumstances out of their control. They would do everything and anything to make sure they were together. If the distance is too far for it to be worth it for example, then those 2 people can't love each other. I live more than 3 hours by train away from my girlfriend, and I would be willing to travel ALOT further if i had too (though I'm glad I don't).

I guess there would be situations where everything is completely out of their control and there is nothing they could do about it...and while yeah, the people involved will get over it eventually, I imagine it must be the worst feeling ever, and I sure hope I will never be in that situation.

But if you do love someone, *really* love them, you *have* to fight, you have to at least try...phrases like "not worth it" really don't apply when you're in love.

Reply 4

I broke up with my girlfriend of two years last November under those circumstances. We both loved each other intensely but things got complicated. She away was at university most of the year which I found difficult to take, and my reaction was to pretty much blank her except for when she came back (usually every other weekend). Also I refused to visit her at uni even though I'm not doing anything with myself (I know, I'm a bastard).

Anyway, we started arguing more and more and eventually I decided it might be best to break up, she agreed. When it finally happened, though, I was a complete wreck, incredibly depressed and lonely, choked at the thought of her, all that cliched stuff. And she was the same, as far as I gather. So yeah, referring back to Adhsur's post, this was one of those where we thought we could cope, but couldn't. Of course, after having been broken up for a month, we got back together when she came back for Christmas. My feeling at that point were ones of relief more than anything else- when we were broken up I couldn't really think about anything but her, afterwards I could use my brain for something useful.

So I guess this tale isn't very useful, except to illustrate that recovering from a breakup where you both still love each other is... very very difficult and in my case, I couldn't hack it.

Reply 5

Alewhey
Also I refused to visit her at uni even though I'm not doing anything with myself (I know, I'm a bastard).


WHY?!

Reply 6

i had to break up with a guy a few years ago due to difference in religions. i mean i could haev fought for it but hey theres another thign called respecting your parents, adn therefore we both knew we coudnt carry on so deicded to break up. in 2003 i met a guy at a wedding whos in my community and we hit it off adn now we have plans for marrige after seein each other for 2 years and all is really well. i saw my ex boyfriend lately and he said to me i wish we were teh same religion, why did that haev to seperate us. i lvoe my now bf truly, but i still think what it wud haev been like if i was with the other guy.

sorry for teh long saga but as u can see, the break up wasnt out of spite or trust or anythign else, it was purely due to the fact that we knew we would never be able to be with each other in the end, due to our own backgroudn differences. respect to anyone whos gone ahead with this kind of thing and fought for thier love, but i dont think i could do that to my parents or even grandparents on the wonderful upbrining they gave me. x

Reply 7

Shivvy
i had to break up with a guy a few years ago due to difference in religions. i mean i could haev fought for it but hey theres another thign called respecting your parents, adn therefore we both knew we coudnt carry on so deicded to break up. in 2003 i met a guy at a wedding whos in my community and we hit it off adn now we have plans for marrige after seein each other for 2 years and all is really well. i saw my ex boyfriend lately and he said to me i wish we were teh same religion, why did that haev to seperate us. i lvoe my now bf truly, but i still think what it wud haev been like if i was with the other guy.

sorry for teh long saga but as u can see, the break up wasnt out of spite or trust or anythign else, it was purely due to the fact that we knew we would never be able to be with each other in the end, due to our own backgroudn differences. respect to anyone whos gone ahead with this kind of thing and fought for thier love, but i dont think i could do that to my parents or even grandparents on the wonderful upbrining they gave me. x


You can't have really loved him, If my parents didn't want me to be with my girlfriend for whatever reason, I simply wouldn't do it. I wouldn't let them control me like that, scare me into doing whatever they want. The relationship I am in is one that I would fight for, even if it was my parents I was fighting against. Thankfully for me, my parents would never do that, they would never force me to something that would make me miserable. They would see that I am extremely happy and that would be the most important thing for them.

Reply 8

Babyshambles
You can't have really loved him, If my parents didn't want me to be with my girlfriend for whatever reason, I simply wouldn't do it. I wouldn't let them control me like that, scare me into doing whatever they want. The relationship I am in is one that I would fight for, even if it was my parents I was fighting against. Thankfully for me, my parents would never do that, they would never force me to something that would make me miserable. They would see that I am extremely happy and that would be the most important thing for them.


yes i understadn what you are saying...but this is a big matter in people followign the muslim and hindu religions. there was no way either of us could haev won the fight with our families, its that much of a big matter. the upbrininging we had, we both knew that this relationship was onyl for a time pass and kenw that it would never be abel to get to the marriage level. anyways i was only answering the main posts question. i am extremely happy with my boyfriend at the moment, and our parents are pleased we got together. they approve and eveyrone is happy.

Reply 9

Shivvy
yes i understadn what you are saying...but this is a big matter in people followign the muslim and hindu religions. there was no way either of us could haev won the fight with our families, its that much of a big matter. the upbrininging we had, we both knew that this relationship was onyl for a time pass and kenw that it would never be abel to get to the marriage level. anyways i was only answering the main posts question. i am extremely happy with my boyfriend at the moment, and our parents are pleased we got together. they approve and eveyrone is happy.


What I mean is, I would even been willing to cut all ties with my family if it was the only way I could be with my girlfriend.

Reply 10

^^ i see...yeh i kno what u mean and i kno i could haev done that, but u know what, it wasnt worth it. so ur rite i cant have loved the guy that much to fight for it. correct. i did love him but im not as happy as i am now with my current bf-husband to be- adn that my parents are extremely happy too! worked out best for all of us!

Reply 11

Being the hopeless romantic that I am, I like to believe that love can overcome all obstacles.
I was in a long distance relationship for years, when I first went away to university, and we were very much in love. Everybody said "you can't make it work" "you are both from different worlds" "the distance splits up 99% of couples". They wanted us to give up before we even tried, they wanted us to split up the day I went to uni.

Here's the thing: we still split up, but it was two years later, for totally different reasons than the distance. We remain good friends, and when people say "I told you so" we say that we had to TRY. At least we tried, and weren't defeatist from the start. If we hadn't tried, those two years we had together, being happy and enjoying each other's company wouldn't have existed. We are both glad we had those years, and even though things ended anyway, we wouldnt change a thing.

Now, I know there are times when love is impractical, when it is going to hurt or offend other people, but you have to use your own judgement on this. Are you, at the end of the day, going to sit back and say to yourself "yes, it was worth it" even if you only got a little time together, because spending just a little time with the person that you loved, was and is, the most imprortant thing in this life?

There was someone incredibly special in my life I didn't ever get together with because of loyalty and fear of hurting others. I stick to my belief that although in retrospect it's easy to say "i should have done this", and got together with him...at the time, when I was in that cirumstance, I knew that love was LESS important that saving the hurt of others - it was more important that I be without my love, and others stayed unhurt. Each situation is unique, we weigh up in our heads what we think is right, and we can take a long time to come to that descision, but without being there, at that exact time, no one else can ever tell us wether love is worth it or not.

I believe that the purpose of life is love, which is incredibly corny and cheesy, but there are more types of love than one. If you are going to hurt your family by pursuing romantic love, you might want to decide what to prioritise, and if you are going to hurt your romantic love by obeying your friends, again, your loyalty is going to be torn. No one type of love can be clearly set above the others. For example, I am anti-arranged marriage, for ME, but for other people that is the right choice.

Love cannot be taken lightly, in any of it's forms, and sometimes someone is going to get hurt whatever you do.

Reply 12

Babyshambles
WHY?!

It made me depressed to see this whole other life she had... 'cos it felt like I didn't know her as well as I used to. So whenever I went down I just moped about and complained, and that made her upset... so I just stopped going down.

Now its much better though, we have sorted out whatever problems we had, I actually enjoy going to visit her now. Which is the way it should be of course :smile:

Reply 13

I would rep you for that queen but I'm all out at the moment so maybe later!

Reply 14

Sometimes i think the only reason why me and my ex split up was because it was at the wrong time in our lives. he went to uni and his priorities changed, we both know though that if he hadnt gone we'd prob still be together.
So i still love him (not in a way where I would want to get back with him though) and it is hard, cos we didnt break up over someone cheating or over someone treating the other person badly. it was just circumstances I guess.

Reply 15

Adhsur
I would rep you for that queen but I'm all out at the moment so maybe later!

"It's the thought that counts"? :biggrin: thanks :redface:

Reply 16

Hmmm, this is a really interesting thread for me!
The relationship I am in at the moment is perfect in some ways - he treats me how I've always wanted to be treated, I'm happier than when I'm with any other bloke etc etc. But, at the moment, I can't stop thinking "I'm moving away in October, I'm going to be hundreds of miles from him". And it means I'm thinking about whether or not to break it off with him now. I know, the people say you should give it a try, you'll always be wondering "what if?", but I really do think I need to go to university single.The thing is, its not as if he's even going to be going to university somewhere either - he's in his mid 20's, done that stage of his life and got much more life experience behind him - and he wants us to stay together. However, I'm not in my mid 20s with life experience behind me, I'm coming up to 18 and don't have enough life experience behind to me to know that he's the one I want to be with. At 18, I don't think I'm ready to make a big decision like that. I'm not saying that by staying with him when I go to uni means I'm going to marry him or anything, but I do think that I need to be single for such a life changing experience experience. I know I love him and I'm very aware that his feelings are the same, and actually stronger than mine. This isn't me worrying about the age difference - because we both have no problems with that, and the relationship couldn't be better.
So now I don't know what to do: Break up with him now so it won't hurt as much? (Even though I know it's going to break both of our hearts) or wait till October, when we'll have had an amazing summer together but it'll be that much harder. I'm so confused! (Sorry for the rambling thread...)

Reply 17

Doolally
Hmmm, this is a really interesting thread for me!
The relationship I am in at the moment is perfect in some ways - he treats me how I've always wanted to be treated, I'm happier than when I'm with any other bloke etc etc. But, at the moment, I can't stop thinking "I'm moving away in October, I'm going to be hundreds of miles from him". And it means I'm thinking about whether or not to break it off with him now. I know, the people say you should give it a try, you'll always be wondering "what if?", but I really do think I need to go to university single.The thing is, its not as if he's even going to be going to university somewhere either - he's in his mid 20's, done that stage of his life and got much more life experience behind him - and he wants us to stay together. However, I'm not in my mid 20s with life experience behind me, I'm coming up to 18 and don't have enough life experience behind to me to know that he's the one I want to be with. At 18, I don't think I'm ready to make a big decision like that. I'm not saying that by staying with him when I go to uni means I'm going to marry him or anything, but I do think that I need to be single for such a life changing experience experience. I know I love him and I'm very aware that his feelings are the same, and actually stronger than mine. This isn't me worrying about the age difference - because we both have no problems with that, and the relationship couldn't be better.
So now I don't know what to do: Break up with him now so it won't hurt as much? (Even though I know it's going to break both of our hearts) or wait till October, when we'll have had an amazing summer together but it'll be that much harder. I'm so confused! (Sorry for the rambling thread...)



This is a really hard one to advise on - it sounds like you have already made up your mind that you will be breaking up with him, which is fair enough if you believe you'd just end up resenting each other (him resenting you for needing freedom, you resenting him for holding you back) and sometimes it is better to split up while you are still getting along well if you don't believe the problems will fix themselves.
The question, then, that you pose is wether to break up with him now or later. I find that once I think seriously about breaking up with someone that's a good sign that it'll happen soon. It sounds like you are just looking for the strength to end things, and will do so as soon as you can bear to.
I know it's a hard thing to explain to someone that you are breaking up with them for the best, even though you still love them. I hope they understand this, and that you can stay friends, because after you have finished university, you might find that you are in a position to get back together, and even if not, somone you have a serious relationship with is often someone you liked enough to keep as a valuable friend and ensure no bitterness ensues.
You'll only be a fresher once (probably) so I really hope you enjoy it, and I hope your choice isn't too painful.
Remember - having to make a choice like this is the seccond most painful thing there is - your boyfriend will be enduring the first most painful - to have that choice taken away from him and made by someone else, so allow for some pain, anger, and bitterness from him at first.

Reply 18

queenselphie
This is a really hard one to advise on - it sounds like you have already made up your mind that you will be breaking up with him, which is fair enough if you believe you'd just end up resenting each other (him resenting you for needing freedom, you resenting him for holding you back) and sometimes it is better to split up while you are still getting along well if you don't believe the problems will fix themselves.
The question, then, that you pose is wether to break up with him now or later. I find that once I think seriously about breaking up with someone that's a good sign that it'll happen soon. It sounds like you are just looking for the strength to end things, and will do so as soon as you can bear to.
I know it's a hard thing to explain to someone that you are breaking up with them for the best, even though you still love them. I hope they understand this, and that you can stay friends, because after you have finished university, you might find that you are in a position to get back together, and even if not, somone you have a serious relationship with is often someone you liked enough to keep as a valuable friend and ensure no bitterness ensues.
You'll only be a fresher once (probably) so I really hope you enjoy it, and I hope your choice isn't too painful.
Remember - having to make a choice like this is the seccond most painful thing there is - your boyfriend will be enduring the first most painful - to have that choice taken away from him and made by someone else, so allow for some pain, anger, and bitterness from him at first.



Awhh you give such good advice - thank you! The thing is, we had tis conversation a while back when I accpeted Bristol and it was definate I was going to uni. He said "To keep you, I have to let you go" meaning that he wants to be with me totally, move in, marriage etc and he knows the only way he can get that with me is to let me realise the same thing by going to uni single and relaising how special it is with him. In the end though, we kind of dodged the subject and forgot about it, and he said that he couldnt leave me because he loved me too much. However, as hard as we both will find it breaking up now it is the best thing because I don't want to end on bad terms with him (like breaking it up with him over the phone cos I'm feeling too lonely..or I end up cheating on him. I would never ever want to do that). I know he'll understand deep down, because he knows that the only way to keep me permanently is to let me do this on my own. I would never want to loose him as a friend, we've been through so much together and there's a connection there that I know I won't find with anybody elese - whther this means he's "The One" or just a truly great friend, I don't know.
It's now just about finding the strength to do it and I don't know how I will...it's going to leave us both brokenhearted :frown: :frown:

...so in answer to your thread Adhsur - yes this is a different kind of break up, where the feelings are so intense that its going to be very hard to recover from.

Reply 19

a long distance relationship CAN work...