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How to cope with the death of my mother watch

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    Anon please.

    My mother went missing on the 7th of January. I thought she went to relatives, but nobody in my family had any contact with her. Because she is mentally ill (depression), we thought we should contact the police.

    Up until yesterday we had no news whatsoever about her. Yesterday we read the newspaper. A woman's body had been found in Hove near Brighton on the 12th of January. Because the authorities couldn't find her relatives (us) they had to bury her. The newspaper had pictures of the jewellery she was wearing in an effort for someone to recognise her. We did. We will try to get her re-buried here in London where we live.

    She lived a sad life. No matter what we did, we couldn't cheer her up. She had only one way to get rid of her pain.


    Please, anyone who has lost family, give me some advice on how to cope. I'm an AS-level student and I hope, despite what has happened, to still be able to achieve good marks.
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    That is a terrible situation to be in and have to deal with. The one thing i will say is take your time, you dont have to grieve or get over her death in any way other then one that you think works for you, it will take time and to lose your mum is going to be hard. No one has expectations of you and how you need to act, thats the main thing, grief is a personal thing. Just take your time and it will get better. As for exams, you can only do your best.
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    I'm very sorry to hear this.

    Spend time with your family. Try and find a bereavement counsellor.

    You might find this a useful site, it helps people in your situation:

    http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/
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    I am so sorry OP No-one should have to go through that especially at your age.
    You should take as much time as you need to grieve. You might not feel like working right now but maybe AS Levels will help you focus on something in the next following months x
    I wish I could offer some decent advice but just want to say I'm thinking of you :console:
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    It's gonna be hard, no matter what you do. But it'll get easier with time. Just try & remember her at her happiest times, and when you think of her, focus on that.

    And know that wherever she is, she's at peace now, and she's not sad anymore, or hurting. And she can look down & be proud of you.
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    (Original post by curious1)
    It's gonna be hard, no matter what you do. But it'll get easier with time. Just try & remember her at her happiest times, and when you think of her, focus on that.

    And know that wherever she is, she's at peace now, and she's not sad anymore, or hurting. And she can look down & be proud of you.
    When my dad passed away i felt like life had no point anymore.... i was suchhhh a mess, but gradually through time and with my friends helping me i made it through....realised he would just want me to do him proud...
    takes time, but you'll get there hun !
    pm me if you want to talk xxx
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    I'm sorry you had to go through that :hugs:
    I don't really know what to say, just take your time, try not to feel pressurised by your exams, I'm sure no one will be expecting you do amazingly considering your loss, just try your hardest.
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    I've lost a family member, PM me if you wanna chat. I'll be happy to help
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    I lost my Father when I was 12.
    I went to school the next day and tried my best to get on with things, as my Mother also suffers depression, so I had to be strong for her.

    You're doing well to even consider your studies in this difficult time.
    Think of the good times, and try not to focus on the loss.

    It is something you never get over, but it gets easier with time, however unrealistic that may sound right now.

    Thinking of you. x
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    I'm so sorry for your loss.
    My mother passed away from cancer 6 1/2 months ago and I'm still not 'coping' very well. My grades have gone downhill, I failed the first exam of my life and I'm just generally sad. I wish I knew what to advise you that will help. :sad:

    I'll just say, take your time to grieve (note 'your time' not 'the time', there is no 'the' as the time is not set) and take comfort from the people who love you. Allow them to help you if they want to, don't feel you have to be strong and brave and do all your hurting behind closed doors (unless you really need to - if that's you), maybe let it out bit by bit. I tried that (i.e. keeping it all in) and a few times during the first few months of Uni, found myself crying and shouting uncontrollably with my friends when drunk. :o: They have all been wonderful about it, but I felt stupid for always saying I'm fine when they want to talk and then clearly showing that I wasn't.

    I'll also warn you about something you'll probably hear a lot - "at least she's happy now" or "she doesn't have to feel her pain anymore". Even if it infuriates you, people are just trying to make you feel better, because, strictly speaking it is true. It always made me so mad because my mum lived a very happy life and achieved many things, it felt like she shouldn't have had to die to escape her pain. It felt unfair that she had the cancer in the first place or she should have recovered - I know she could have, other people do. And when people recover from whatever illness be it depression or cancer, they are always referred to as brave, and I always hate that - was my mother not brave because she didn't survive? She wasn't in control of the illness!
    Gah, it's hard to explain. I'm not helping! :no: I'm sorry.

    Anyway, I think it's different for everybody, so what I would say is be yourself, do whatever comes naturally (if that means crying everyday, or never crying and throwing yourself into work) and maybe come back in a couple of weeks if you still just want to talk about things or if there are problems arising from how you're feeling/reacting (e.g. if you find you're being violent, if you're bedwetting [I did once, because I was scared to help wash my mum's body for the burial] etc.).
    I recieved lots of lovely messages from Uni friends (I thought I wouldn't be able to go back to Uni so said my goodbyes) with lots of advice and tbh, none of it made any difference. You don't remember advice when you're crying yourself to sleep or going out almost every night to get drunk so you fall asleep without thinking or leaving all your work to the last minute because you can't be bothered to be stressed when life could end whenever it wants.
    So just be yourself, but try and reflect on what has changed within you since your loss and deal with it if you feel the need. :dontknow:
    Oh and as far as I can tell so far, the pain doesn't fade or go away, you just transform/adapt to carry it around with you. And you can/may need to focus on the loss in order to get as 'over it' as you can.

    Good luck. I apologise for the crappy 'advice' and again, I am truly sorry for your loss. :hugs:
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    Hi,
    I am really, deeply sorry for your loss and I can only imagine what it can feel like to lose a mother. I have lost two grandmothers, two grandfathers and a friend, but I don't think that what I felt then is anywhere near the same as what you feel now.

    My advice is to stay positive, do what your mother would have wanted you to do, get on with life. Achieve new heights and make her proud, she will always be there with you. I'm sorry if this will upset you (I do not mean to upset you in any way), but when someone passes away, they are freed from suffering and if you believe your mother was going through an undeserved amount of suffering, then she is definitly in a better place now, whether you want that place to be heaven or just in your heart.
    When you remember your mother, don't think back about the bad times, remember the good times, remember all those times she was there for you.
    Chin up, smile and live your life positive.
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    Nothing I can say can make me feel what you're feeling but know i'm here if you want pointless inane chatter x
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    I'm really sorry for your loss OP. I lost my mum when i was 10 and it's true that you will feel better in time. It may not seem like it now but your life will go back to a normal state sometime in the future. It's really does help to talk about her, especially with your family as they'll be feeling the same as you. Do not bottle it all up!! It will mess you up. Forgive her and allow yourself to grieve. You will look back every now and then and cry but you will also look back at smile at the memories you have of her. Once again i'm sorry for your loss. Feel free to PM me.
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    #2

    The loss of your your parents, especially a mother, is a tragedy. the pain never really goes away, but it becomes easier to cope with with time. my condolences to you friend. i wish you and your family the best. it is times like these that you need to stick together the most. may your mother rest in peace. and in regards to your exams, you can get in contact with your headteacher/school councellor who can inform your examining bodies and they will take into consideration your situation.
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    I am so sorry to hear that OP, all the advice I've read is what I'd say myself. It will become easier in time and don't be afraid to reach out for help. Thinking of you and I'll pray for you and your family
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    I'm very sorry for your loss and can definitely related. My father passed when I was 17. He was like my best friend and it was completely unexpected. Personally, I just kept going on with my life trying not to think about it and just dealing with the pain little by little. It felt like if I tried to deal with it all at once the misery would be overpowering. Something like this will never go away, and you never stop thinking about them or missing them. But just remember that they would want you to succeed, move on, and be happy. They don't want you to be consumed by grief. As a tribute to them (and for your health) live your life to the fullest. That way, everytime you accomplish something, you know you would have made them smile.
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    Having not been in a similar situation myself... I really can offer you nothing but condolances. :hugs:
    But as for empathetic advice, I think this best sums up the majority of others posts...

    (Original post by EskimoJo)
    I'm so sorry for your loss.
    My mother passed away from cancer 6 1/2 months ago and I'm still not 'coping' very well. My grades have gone downhill, I failed the first exam of my life and I'm just generally sad. I wish I knew what to advise you that will help. :sad:

    I'll just say, take your time to grieve (note 'your time' not 'the time', there is no 'the' as the time is not set) and take comfort from the people who love you. Allow them to help you if they want to, don't feel you have to be strong and brave and do all your hurting behind closed doors (unless you really need to - if that's you), maybe let it out bit by bit. I tried that (i.e. keeping it all in) and a few times during the first few months of Uni, found myself crying and shouting uncontrollably with my friends when drunk. :o: They have all been wonderful about it, but I felt stupid for always saying I'm fine when they want to talk and then clearly showing that I wasn't.

    I'll also warn you about something you'll probably hear a lot - "at least she's happy now" or "she doesn't have to feel her pain anymore". Even if it infuriates you, people are just trying to make you feel better, because, strictly speaking it is true. It always made me so mad because my mum lived a very happy life and achieved many things, it felt like she shouldn't have had to die to escape her pain. It felt unfair that she had the cancer in the first place or she should have recovered - I know she could have, other people do. And when people recover from whatever illness be it depression or cancer, they are always referred to as brave, and I always hate that - was my mother not brave because she didn't survive? She wasn't in control of the illness!
    Gah, it's hard to explain. I'm not helping! :no: I'm sorry.

    Anyway, I think it's different for everybody, so what I would say is be yourself, do whatever comes naturally (if that means crying everyday, or never crying and throwing yourself into work) and maybe come back in a couple of weeks if you still just want to talk about things or if there are problems arising from how you're feeling/reacting (e.g. if you find you're being violent, if you're bedwetting [I did once, because I was scared to help wash my mum's body for the burial] etc.).
    I recieved lots of lovely messages from Uni friends (I thought I wouldn't be able to go back to Uni so said my goodbyes) with lots of advice and tbh, none of it made any difference. You don't remember advice when you're crying yourself to sleep or going out almost every night to get drunk so you fall asleep without thinking or leaving all your work to the last minute because you can't be bothered to be stressed when life could end whenever it wants.
    So just be yourself, but try and reflect on what has changed within you since your loss and deal with it if you feel the need. :dontknow:
    Oh and as far as I can tell so far, the pain doesn't fade or go away, you just transform/adapt to carry it around with you. And you can/may need to focus on the loss in order to get as 'over it' as you can.

    Good luck. I apologise for the crappy 'advice' and again, I am truly sorry for your loss. :hugs:
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    I really think you should speak to friends, family or perhaps even a counsellor if you feel it would help. Because words on a forum seem so inadequate in a situation like this.
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    The OPs post made me want to cry...awww
 
 
 
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