Would you resent your partner if you fell in love young? Watch

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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 9 years ago
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Sorry for the length but I could really use your views on this.

I am 22. From the age 14, I’ve been in and out of relationships, some serious, some casual and some in-between, I’ve done pretty much everything I wanted to do sexually, had boyfriends, best friends, girlfriends and sex friends, friends with benefits, flings, fallen in love, had my heartbroken, been cheated on, been hurt, recovered. I’ve squeezed a lot of emotional drama, happiness and misery into the last 8 years and in retrospect enjoyed every minute of it.

Now I’m bored of messing around, and by some miracle have found a best friend who gets me on every level. He is the love of my life, no two ways about it, he completes me, I’ve only been with him a year and I know we’re going to grow old together. It’s just that perfect fairy tale love off trashy books and brilliant films. It’s probably quite sickening to watch. And I know he feels exactly the same.

The Problem:

He has only had one serious girlfriend in his life, a girl he was with between 15 and 18, where after he was single until he met me. He considers those 3 years with her a waste of his teenage years and regrets not doing more with his time. He’s only slept with 3 people in all (one of them being me) and had one other not-so-serious girlfriend (who he never even slept with).

While I really respect him for all that (and it’s great for me being prone to irrational jealousy!) I am really, really terrified that he’s going to resent me one day for holding him back. He’s at uni now and we have no intentions of breaking up, now or ever.

Will he hate me in years to come if we remain together like we are? I would never want to hold him back or make him miss out on a part of his youth especially at uni.

While I know what we have is more special than casual sex and getting with people in clubs, I’m struggling to accept that HE can know that, since he has never done it. I know he COULD have done those things if he really wanted to, between 18 and 20 when he met me, but he says he didn’t have the confidence then. Since meeting me he has become really confident, which I now see as a blessing and a curse, because now he would have the confidence to get with other girls.

Am I just being ridiculous? Boys, would you resent a girl for holding you back if you met young and it lasted? Or girls – if you fell in love young, would you regret it?



Sorry for the ramble. I just worry.
***amy***
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#2
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Really well-written post btw.

I don't know, I always wonder about this.

I'm sort of in the situation your boyfriend is in - I'm only 18 yet I feel like my boyfriend is the guy I should be with. Possibly naive, I've only been with him a year and a half and I'm not certain about this because it's the first serious relationship I've been in, but it does feel fantastic.

I do wonder whether I'm missing out on the whole trying everything out and maybe I AM missing out - every now and then this will bother me. but every time I get a niggling feeling about this I think what if I went out there, got with lots of people and then looked back and realised what a great thing I'd lost? And I'm obviously not going to risk it. I've also watched a couple of my best friends break up with people, go woohoo I'm single, have casual sex with a few people, get unhappy and revert back to relationships. Although I guess I'm missing the freedom and the choice, clearly all I'm doing is the missing out on the bit in the middle. But at the same time this is what I tell myslef sometimes, so maybe it does bother me every now and again?

Have you asked him about this? You could try that if it would help you ease your mind. I would just stop worrying, be happy how you are - he's unlikely to resent YOU for it anyway (I would never resent my boyfriend for holding me back, more myself for not getting out there).
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Darkness and Mist
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(Original post by Anonymous)
He’s only slept with 3 people in all (one of them being me) and had one other not-so-serious girlfriend (who he never even slept with).
Only 3 people???? ONLY......3....ONLY. I dont think you have much to worry about. I think maybe you have had more sex than most at your age.

I fell in love with my first real gf and we are still together. Doesnt bother me that I havent been with anyone else, I know that what I have is amazing and random casual sex would in no way compare.
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*sparkles*
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Everybody's different, some people feel like the need to go through it all, all the things you say you've done, feel like they haven't really lived and have been too tied to one person. I don't feel like this at all- I was with my ex for 3 1/2 years until he ended it, he was my first serious boyfriend but I would have been happy to marry him. If I'm single then fair enough, I have enjoyed meeting new people, going out being single and knowing I am free to do what I want, but the way I see it is, if you're so completely in love with someone that you know you would be happy to spend your life with them, why throw that away for the sake of it? You're just as likely to end up regretting letting that person get away, and to me that would be far worse! I don't feel like you need to have gone through it all love life wise to have lived properly, being in love is the most amazing feeling, sometimes you just find the right person without going through all the wrong ones first. If he's happy with you he shouldn't resent it, afterall it is his choice to be with you, and you say he feels the same as you do. If you're worried talk to him, but I would think he'll say no, he loves you, don't be silly!
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inksplodge
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(Original post by *sparkles*)
Everybody's different, some people feel like the need to go through it all, all the things you say you've done, feel like they haven't really lived and have been too tied to one person. I don't feel like this at all- I was with my ex for 3 1/2 years until he ended it, he was my first serious boyfriend but I would have been happy to marry him. If I'm single then fair enough, I have enjoyed meeting new people, going out being single and knowing I am free to do what I want, but the way I see it is, if you're so completely in love with someone that you know you would be happy to spend your life with them, why throw that away for the sake of it? You're just as likely to end up regretting letting that person get away, and to me that would be far worse! I don't feel like you need to have gone through it all love life wise to have lived properly, being in love is the most amazing feeling, sometimes you just find the right person without going through all the wrong ones first. If he's happy with you he shouldn't resent it, afterall it is his choice to be with you, and you say he feels the same as you do. If you're worried talk to him, but I would think he'll say no, he loves you, don't be silly!
I completely agree with this post!
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Anonymous #2
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My position is similar to that of Amy's. Been with my boyfriend for less than even 4 months :o: (yes it is short and I'm being extremely naive), yet I definitely can see a future beyond uni years. I've opened up and trust him more than I've done anyone for a long time. And he is my first in everything, kiss, love and sex soon.

I am only 19 though, and when I hear my friends gossip about another guy they pulled at a random club, and when I had to shrug off several guys who showed interest in me too... I suppose I do realise that I am missing out on a lot. But like Amy, I would never give up what I have with him now to just experience that. I think that's the gist of being in love - sacrifice and yet it's happily done. More rather, it's the thought of losing him that scares me far more than not experiencing 'youth'.

Luckily, he's far more into commitment than myself, and he hates the idea of going around, experiencing stuff. For him, relationships are pointless if they can't go past a certain point I was much more into the 'fun', fleeting, non-serious kind of relationships but then he became my first relationship. Am I missing out? Yes, possibly. But do I regret it? Not now, and while I may look back in the future thinking what I could've done, I don't think I'd swap this for anything else, ever.

OP, if you two genuinely love each other, and can see it going 'forever', so I really don't think it's something you should worry about He may think 'what could have been' but that's different to regret
Anonymous #3
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Talk to him. I got together with my bf when we were 18 and 19, we're now 21 and 22, some people see that as young. But before we got together we'd both slept with other people, both had other relationships, and certainly both had our stage in mid teens of going out and pulling random people, as most people do. So I don't think either of us feel it's too young. I don't know we'll be together forever, you can never know that, but I know that I love him and spending time with him is incredible and no amount of going out and pulling random people or sleeping around could come close to being anywhere near as good as our relationship...

maybe if you'd met someone when you were like 14 and stayed together permantly you would see yourself as missing out though. but that guy sounds like since he's been single since 18, he's had plenty of time to mess around and stuff.
Joanna May
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I don't think I'd resent them to the point of cheating, if that's what you're worried about. I might feel a bit resentful when I'm older in the same sort of way he is of his ex- "I missed out on so much excitement, etc etc", but I don't think I'd regret having married or fell in love young. It would definitely be something I would keep to myself.
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Anonymous #1
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Thanks everyone. The reason it started worrying me was when we did talk about it, someone asked him casually if he'd slept around when he was younger and he said something like "nah, wasted my time with a girlfriend, I probably should have done though". I acted like a silly little girl about it saying if he wanted to go shag other people then he should tell me now rather than later blah blah blah, which really confused him and he told me not to be so stupid. I'll try to listen to this, just trying to figure out if he really meant it I suppose.

But to all the people who replied...thank you, and yay for true love! Haha. I really don't think it's stupid to think something will last forever when you've only been together a year / 4 months / 4 hours. Obviously the whole honeymoon period, everyone thinks will last forever. But sometimes what feels right is just RIGHT.


And I really like the bit about happy sacrifice. That makes me feel all warm. Haha.
fioram
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You sound like a bit of a whore tbh with all that action up your fanny. No I wouldn't resent them if I fell in love young.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by fioram)
You sound like a bit of a whore tbh with all that action up your fanny. No I wouldn't resent them if I fell in love young.
Poetic justice, I was exagerrating (a little). But cheers.
Anonymous Boy
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(Original post by Darkness and Mist)
Only 3 people???? ONLY......3....ONLY. I dont think you have much to worry about. I think maybe you have had more sex than most at your age.

I fell in love with my first real gf and we are still together. Doesnt bother me that I havent been with anyone else, I know that what I have is amazing and random casual sex would in no way compare.
He makes a good point, I don't believe that you have to worry. If it does happen, as horrible as it may be for you to think about it, you can split up or give yourselves breaks then getting back together before deciding the situation again officially.

I have seen a lot of partners for example business partners (a little off-topic but with a point - which I do get too) who move apart a lot and back together, the excitement of seeing each other and maintaining the relationship makes it special. It can remain that way. Also, you starting point of the thread and your part was really well written. Do not worry just yet or fret about it. You are young with lots of experience to look forward to. Enjoy it.

Kind regards,
Fox
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Titanomachy
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(Original post by Anonymous)
My position is similar to that of Amy's. Been with my boyfriend for less than even 4 months :o: (yes it is short and I'm being extremely naive), yet I definitely can see a future beyond uni years. I've opened up and trust him more than I've done anyone for a long time. And he is my first in everything, kiss, love and sex soon.

I am only 19 though, and when I hear my friends gossip about another guy they pulled at a random club, and when I had to shrug off several guys who showed interest in me too... I suppose I do realise that I am missing out on a lot. But like Amy, I would never give up what I have with him now to just experience that. I think that's the gist of being in love - sacrifice and yet it's happily done. More rather, it's the thought of losing him that scares me far more than not experiencing 'youth'.

Luckily, he's far more into commitment than myself, and he hates the idea of going around, experiencing stuff. For him, relationships are pointless if they can't go past a certain point I was much more into the 'fun', fleeting, non-serious kind of relationships but then he became my first relationship. Am I missing out? Yes, possibly. But do I regret it? Not now, and while I may look back in the future thinking what I could've done, I don't think I'd swap this for anything else, ever.

OP, if you two genuinely love each other, and can see it going 'forever', so I really don't think it's something you should worry about He may think 'what could have been' but that's different to regret
I lol'd into my coffee
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WelshBluebird
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Honestly, I don't understand the whole thing about people feeling they have missed out on anything because they haven't slept around.
I mean what is there to really "miss out on"? Sleeping with random people you don't really care about? I'd rather have sex with the same person x amount of times, than have sex with x amount of people once each.
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Titanomachy
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(Original post by Anonymous)

I’ve only been with him a year and I know we’re going to grow old together.... And I know he feels exactly the same.

He’s at uni now and we have no intentions of breaking up, now or ever.

Will he hate me in years to come if we remain together like we are?

While I know what we have is more special than casual sex and getting with people in clubs, I’m struggling to accept that HE can know that, since he has never done it.
Well the problem seems to stem from inconsistency in your perception of your boyfriend and the nature of the relationship. As much as you want to, you don't really believe that you know that you will never break up and that you will always love each other, your fear stems from this unknown. It sounds like you're getting a lot out of the relationship, so I would accept this uncertainty as a relatively small price to pay for that, if I were you.
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Titanomachy
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(Original post by WelshBluebird)
Honestly, I don't understand the whole thing about people feeling they have missed out on anything because they haven't slept around.
I mean what is there to really "miss out on"? Sleeping with random people you don't really care about? I'd rather have sex with the same person x amount of times, than have sex with x amount of people once each.
But you can't know that you will feel that way in 10 or 20 or 30 years time, can you?
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BumperBo
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(Original post by WelshBluebird)
Honestly, I don't understand the whole thing about people feeling they have missed out on anything because they haven't slept around.
I mean what is there to really "miss out on"? Sleeping with random people you don't really care about? I'd rather have sex with the same person x amount of times, than have sex with x amount of people once each.
Youth is supposed to be a time to experiment with life!

I don't think it's the "sleeping around" people miss out on, it's the being with different people, having different experiences, etc, which pretty much nobody has the chance to do once they become adult.
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***amy***
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(Original post by BumperBo)
Youth is supposed to be a time to experiment with life!

I don't think it's the "sleeping around" people miss out on, it's the being with different people, having different experiences, etc, which pretty much nobody has the chance to do once they become adult.
I agree, I think people focus way too much on the "sleeping around" aspect of being 'free'. But the thing is even being with my boyfriend at university I'm getting to meet and hang out with loads of different guys as friends - some of them I would never see as more than friends, some I reckon I have a bit of a spark with, but I recognise that I still prefer my boyfriend. Also a lot of the guys I think I could fancy/ sleep with/ go out with already have girlfriends!
In a way I think they see me as less of a threat to hang out with because I'm not going to make a move or tempt them or make things awkward or make their girlfriend jealous cos I have a boyfriend too.

You can still experience lots of things when you're in a relationship. The sexual stuff you miss out on I guess, but if I saw people at uni that I wanted to do those things with then maybe I would reconsider but I haven't really yet.
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Sarky
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#19
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I would have stayed with my boyfriend forever had it worked. I had thought that we were gonna be together for a long time, but even whilst we were together I acknowledged that i wished i'd gone out and been a bit more hmm carefree rather than settling down young. I felt it even more for him as it was his first serious relationship.

You can't necessarily choose who you fall in love with but now I am single I would prefer to be with someone who had been in a few relationships before, but thats not set in stone.
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Howells
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I've never really been single since I was about 13, nor do I have any desire to live the single life. I like being in relationships, and not out of necessity as most people would think. Not everyone wants to experience being with different people and sleeping with more than one or two partners. So in answer to the question, no, I personally wouldn't, but I can only speak for myself on the matter.
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