The Student Room Group

Falling for your housemate

Hey,

I am in a bit of a pickle and I was wondering if you could help me. Basically I moved into a student house for my second year in September with some friends I had made in my first year. I became very close to one of my housemates. We spent loads of time together and flirted with each other a lot. By Christmas I had fallen for him in a big way. I talked to my other female housemates about it and they said they thought he liked me in that way too. So I told him over the Christmas holidays and he told me that he was very sorry but he did not feel the same way. I was very hurt and upset by this and felt like I had also lost my best friend.

Things were awkward when we came back to University in January but we both made a big effort to get over the problem and remain friends. I was very upset and depressed a lot of the time and he would listen to me for hours when I was crying. I found it very difficult to accept the way he had hurt me and still be his friend and believe he cared about me. He still flirted with me which I often found painful but it was worse when I told him to stop doing it because it seemed like we weren’t friends anymore.

The thing is it is now nearly 4 months later and I still haven’t moved on. I really want to carry on being his friend because I have never felt so close to anyone before and we have great fun together and we can talk about anything, and living in the same house I can’t not see him anyway. However I find it really hard to trust him when he rejected me. I can’t seem to forgive him for what he did to me and I still feel really hurt. It has made me really really depressed - at times I have felt suicidal - and I am not sure what I can do to feel better.

Has anyone been through a similar thing or does anyone have any advice?

Thanks xx
I cannot believe how much your situation mirrors mine in almost every way!
met my male flatmate, he flirted, I fell for him, told him around december, he didnt feel the same way, still like him now, he still flirts, he is my best friend. So yes, know EXACTLY how you feel.
It sucks, dosent it? Gosh I wish I could offer more eloquent advice but all I can do is empathise - Im too close to the situation to offer practical advice. Mine plays mind games with me so often Im pepetually confused and sad and hurt. :frown: blah.
tis a bad place to be, much hugs.
Reply 2
lessthanthree
You know, from the tone of what you're saying, you're acting like it's his fault that you're "depressed" - woud you rather he'd have lied to you? If anything, it'd make him a more trustworthy individual because he told you the truth.

It takes a big man to tell you the truth like that...and I really don't think you ought to be getting suicidal over something that was nipped in the bud.

Either you can avoid him entirely by moving out, or you could just move *on*. Seriously - from what you've said here, you haven't done anything even remotely romantic with this guy, and yet you're suicidal because he said he wasn't attracted to you?

-
Do you have a history of depression, or do you just have some sort of lack of perspective here?


[that sounded dead mean, but it's not intentional - I'm a bit befuddled]


im really sorry, but honestly i dont think u have a really good point of view... i can see that people who havent gone thru much in life will agree to ur black and white look on the situation.. but i know of at least 2 other people who are in pretty much exactly the same position as the 1st 2 posters....

i dont think anyone is ay fault, and tho nothing romantic can happen, some people find companionship or friendship deeply warming... and thats definitely not a situation most people go through, but it does happen...

sorry if u feel i am having a dig at you, its just that before i went into uni i would have exactly the same opinion as you, but now i know that its not just a case of someone being either single or in a dead straight relationship, ...sometimes in a friendship, one person can see it much more dependently than the other
Time wounds all heals.

no wait. its the other way around.

but honestly, 4 months, isnt that long...considering the way you talk about how much u care about this guy...just give it time. Things may seem really bad right now, but really...just give it time. You'll see. In time, you're going to look back on this and realize that you were wasting your time being depressed over one guy, when there are sooooo many other guys out there.

now go and get urself a man just as sexy as u. u sexy thing u.
I agree that no one is at fault, by the way, but sometimes it can be hurtful to be led on and flirted with by someone who isnt interested, so can understand a small ammount of blame if the guy was particually misleading. Mine really really played a lot of mind games with me and manipulated me til I adored him and then treated me quite badly. But like you say, honesty is a mature thing for him to show.
Reply 5
I do have some history of depression - I used to feel suicidal at school - but I understand why you feel that I have taken things out of proportion. I often feel that way myself. I know it shouldnt be that important but that does not really help me feel better. In fact it just makes me feel worse that I have dealt with the whole thing so badly. I know I need to move on but I am not sure how to.
The problem is that he would have had to break the cardinal rule of student maledom, which is never, ever, go out with your flatmates.
Reply 7
I know he is not at fault but I do feel he led me on. He admits that he was aware that I had romantic feelings for him and yet he still carried on giving me signs that he was interested in me. It is really difficult to really accept that it was not his fault when I am still hurting so much.
Polly7
I do have some history of depression - I used to feel suicidal at school - but I understand why you feel that I have taken things out of proportion. I often feel that way myself. I know it shouldnt be that important but that does not really help me feel better. In fact it just makes me feel worse that I have dealt with the whole thing so badly. I know I need to move on but I am not sure how to.


Keep urself busy!!! Keep urself so busy that u dont have time to sit in ur room and cry about him. Honestly, KEEP URSELF BUSY. I mean, thats what men do, they just keep themselves busy with drunkenness and one night stand. I did it with the gym and my friends. whatever u do, just dont be alone!!! make sure u have ur buddies around you. Chicks before dicks my friend.
Polly7
I know he is not at fault but I do feel he led me on. He admits that he was aware that I had romantic feelings for him and yet he still carried on giving me signs that he was interested in me. It is really difficult to really accept that it was not his fault when I am still hurting so much.


Maybe, just maybe he is attracted to you, but doesn't want a relationship (because as his flatmate things could get very messy if it goes wrong). People can't hide their feelings so well, but they can choose whether or not to act on them.
Reply 10
lessthanthree
it wasn't really my POV, more my trying to clear some stuff up so I could get a better idea of what was going on with her. ^^


ok,lol... yeah sure :smile:
jessicarabbit
Keep urself busy!!! Keep urself so busy that u dont have time to sit in ur room and cry about him.


This is not always sensible. Crying can be good. Can I suggeest that you write down your thoughts about it whether it's just in a stream of consciousness or in a letter to him which you'll never send. This always helps me clear things up in my mind and then you'll be well prepared to make any decision you want to rather than having the pain of anguish.

MB
Reply 12
Thanks everyone for all your help. Sorry I havent been on in ages. My housemate told me the other week that he is in fact gay and has been going out with a guy since February. Obviously this was a big shock and is still taking some getting used to. I feel really hurt and betrayed that he didnt tell me earlier and I feel I cant trust him at all now it is clear that he was lying to me.

How can I make sure we still remain good friends and learn to trust him again? Just wondered if anyone had had similar experiences.

Thanks
Reply 13
Polly7
Thanks everyone for all your help. Sorry I havent been on in ages. My housemate told me the other week that he is in fact gay and has been going out with a guy since February. Obviously this was a big shock and is still taking some getting used to. I feel really hurt and betrayed that he didnt tell me earlier and I feel I cant trust him at all now it is clear that he was lying to me.

How can I make sure we still remain good friends and learn to trust him again? Just wondered if anyone had had similar experiences.

Thanks


How long has you're other flatmate known? i dont mean this in a bad way, but are you at all homophobic? I'm not saying you are but maybe if this guy thought you were then that's why he didn't tell you because he was scared that you'd reject him as a friend. Also, maybe he's only just full come to terms with his sexuality. He sounds like a good guy. I mean, you said he comforted you and let you cry and talk to him for hours.