The Student Room Group

Long-Distance Relationship problem!

Hey peeps; I'd like some advice and just some opinions on my situation if that's alright :smile:
Some of you know that I have an LDR with a girl in the USA, who I've now known just over a year. She was most recently intending to come over in sep 06 to come to uni, but last night i found out this is no longer her intention; she's going to what she calls the oxford of art schools there in september, meaning that we may well not meet up until 2009!!:bawling::frown: This is the third time she's postponed coming here for some reason. She's clearly mad on me, as she's proposed three times, of course I've declined because I don't want to sign away my life like that yet and for marriage I'm not ready. I love her too because she's been here for me when I quit uni last year, heck i even came back for her, but recently we haven't been talking as much because she works as well, and takes the Mesenger thing for granted. We've talked on the phone before, but because her parents don't know that we're together we can't do that anymore. The thing is she was suggesting that I should go over there to some school thing and said I'd be able to live there :eek: But I don't think that'd be best; for all I know it all might fall apart and I think I should finish uni here. I don't want to split up, and yet I don't know if I can wait another 4 and a half years for her. It's not really financially viable for me to visit like on holiday in summer, so I was wondering what I should do. If I say anything to her it'd break her heart and I don't want to do that because she's so perfect for me, and yet things keep getting in our way.
Sorry to rant like that; any opinions are appreciated.

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I don't mean to sound rude but it seems that you are taking seriously a relationship which by its very nature can't be serious.

MB
Well, I can't ofer much advice other than keep talking to each other as much as possible. If visint this summer isn't financially viable you could always not go on holiday this year, set up a bank account specifically to raise money for the trip and every time you can afford to put a little bit of money in there. That way at least you will be able to afford it eventually, even if it takes a while, and it is likely to be sooner than 2009.

One thing that I would definitely say is that I don't think you should give up on your own degree for her - you may love each other completely but at the end of the day *winces at such a cliché - sorry everyone* you don't yet know if it wil all work out and you will need something to fall back on. If you do end up married then you will need some money, and you will have better job prospects with a degree than with just school leaver's qualifications.

Is there likely to be any situation in the future where you are living together full time? I personally couldn't be in a long distance relationship if I didn't know that when we both graduate we will be able to live in the same place.
musicboy
I don't mean to sound rude but it seems that you are taking seriously a relationship which by its very nature can't be serious.

MB


Yes you do sound rude. You don't know how they feel about each other, I personally admire the fact that they feel so strongly for each other that they are willing to keep the relationship going despite so many obstacles - maybe for the moment they can't be together and cannot be serious in the usual way, but their feelings for each other do not have to be governed by where they are.
Reply 4
As a person who is also involved in a LDR, we are 2000 miles apart. I can only speak from experience. Postponing meeting is not a good sign. My boyfriend and I actually moved up our meeting from July to May. We only did this because we need to see first hand how real our feelings are for each other. The feelings are very intense and to postpone things would only hurt more. He intends on moving here by the end of the year. Who would have thought...

If you need to talk about things, you can PM me.
Reply 5
I thought I had a long distance going with london - canterbury. You guyz different countries = how about finding someone closer to home?
Reply 6
_Jax_
I thought I had a long distance going with london - canterbury. You guyz different countries = how about finding someone closer to home?


To be honest how I met my squeeze was coincidental in the largest; I was online looking for some new penfriends a week after quitting uni and met her; we talked a bit and found we had everything in common and it developed from there.
And thx LadyYamaha I'll bear your kind offer in mind :smile:
Reply 7
MrSornia
Hey peeps; I'd like some advice and just some opinions on my situation if that's alright :smile:
Some of you know that I have an LDR with a girl in the USA, who I've now known just over a year. She was most recently intending to come over in sep 06 to come to uni, but last night i found out this is no longer her intention; she's going to what she calls the oxford of art schools there in september, meaning that we may well not meet up until 2009!!:bawling::frown: This is the third time she's postponed coming here for some reason. She's clearly mad on me, as she's proposed three times, of course I've declined because I don't want to sign away my life like that yet and for marriage I'm not ready. I love her too because she's been here for me when I quit uni last year, heck i even came back for her, but recently we haven't been talking as much because she works as well, and takes the Mesenger thing for granted. We've talked on the phone before, but because her parents don't know that we're together we can't do that anymore. The thing is she was suggesting that I should go over there to some school thing and said I'd be able to live there :eek: But I don't think that'd be best; for all I know it all might fall apart and I think I should finish uni here. I don't want to split up, and yet I don't know if I can wait another 4 and a half years for her. It's not really financially viable for me to visit like on holiday in summer, so I was wondering what I should do. If I say anything to her it'd break her heart and I don't want to do that because she's so perfect for me, and yet things keep getting in our way.
Sorry to rant like that; any opinions are appreciated.


Apologies in advance, I always try to find the positives to focus on, but there just don't appear to be any. I may well just be a good deal more cynical than in the past, and granted I don't know either of you, but I just don't see how that can work.

I had a girlfriend here while I went to live in America for a year, and that was hard enough. But I was absolutely certain of the relationship before I left, and talking on the phone every single day kept us going.

Once I returned to uni in England it was still a LDR, only not as far. We really struggled with the thought that it would be possibly years until we could live in the same place. And you can never be sure what'll happen, jobs, uni etc.

I know it sounds negative, but it seems as though you would have to invest too much in the relationship, compared to what you have, and will get, for it to work. Speaking as a man reasonably recently out of a long-term relationship that we both thought would last forever... things change. Feelings change.

Weighing everything up, the fact that you haven't met, haven't been together, don't talk on the phone, and can't be together for another 4 years, I would just accept that it's just not possible for a relationship work and try to move on. Life's a b*tch like that. It's not fair, and you rarely get what you want.

I'm sorry, because I'm sure that's not what you wanted to hear, and I wish I could have had something more positive to say, but that's how it seems to me.
Reply 8
Zurich
Apologies in advance, I always try to find the positives to focus on, but there just don't appear to be any. I may well just be a good deal more cynical than in the past, and granted I don't know either of you, but I just don't see how that can work...


Hey hey; don't ever apologize for having an opinion :smile: I asked for opinions and that's what I want; so thanks for your input :cool: The more the merrier people, feel free to be as controversial as you want within reason:biggrin:
MrSornia
Hey hey; don't ever apologize for having an opinion :smile: I asked for opinions and that's what I want; so thanks for your input :cool: The more the merrier people, feel free to be as controversial as you want within reason:biggrin:


How can someone propose, seriously, three times, to someone they've never met? I think you're viewing this through tinted glasses, so to speak. You should either accept that she wasn't seriously proposing to you and doesn't take it quite as seriously as you do... or worry about her.

Don't make real-life sacrifices for her though. They won't be worth it and they'll just make you depend on her more. Do something to take your mind off her and maybe you'll realise how she's going to be weighing you down for four and a half years.
hrm this is troublesome and worrying...

The thing about long distance relationships is there is going to have to be a whole lot of compromsising, one of you will have to move to be near the other, and that means that unless one of you dosent mind moving at all, there will be resentment. Who will be the one to move? Who will leave their family, their friends, their job, their whole past? Its a lot to ask - many of us would do it for true love, but all the while we may be wondering "why is it me that gave in, instead of him/her?"
If this girl comes far away from her home, to *visit* you, that is a sensible thing for you to ask, and I can only suppose fear and and nerves are keeping her from doing so.
But to ask someone to *live* with/near you, thats a pretty big step. You guys need to do some compromising and work out wether this is do-able. If neither of you could bear to leave and move, can this really work? Or can you meet in the middle, and do some visiting first to see how committed you both want to be?
Reply 11
I have a question for those with the long distance relationships...

Do you remain faithful or do you have something on the side?

Here's the thing...

I have an opportunity to have a friend with benefits and I actually am considering it. :rolleyes:
I'm currently having a long distance relationship, but we spent most of last year together and soon i shall quit uni and move to her sunny country :biggrin:
Reply 13
ladyyamaha
I have a question for those with the long distance relationships...

Do you remain faithful or do you have something on the side?

Here's the thing...

I have an opportunity to have a friend with benefits and I actually am considering it. :rolleyes:


That, IMO and I'm confident many others will agree, is rather a horrid, and trust-losing thing to say. To even consider it means that you should not be in the other relationship.
Reply 14
bobthebluenose
I'm currently having a long distance relationship, but we spent most of last year together and soon i shall quit uni and move to her sunny country :biggrin:


Well thanks very much for boasting about how well things are going in your life in a thread I created designed for gaining support and sympathy. I'd be neg repping you if it weren't for LadyYamaha's even worse post.
Reply 15
ladyyamaha
I have a question for those with the long distance relationships...

Do you remain faithful or do you have something on the side?

Here's the thing...

I have an opportunity to have a friend with benefits and I actually am considering it. :rolleyes:



I am quoting myself because I have an update...

I have decided to forego the friends with benefits and stick with my LDR. He asked me to marry him and I can't damage that. :biggrin:
I'll say it how I see it..

Something just isn't fitting. How can you offer to spend the rest of your life with someone, yet can't offer a bit of her time to come over, or even just go to a phone box and call you/take a call from there? If she's working, and you've quit uni, then surely together you can summon up the funds between you?

If she's looking at forever, then why isn't she willing to put in the effort to make your relationship work? If I was in her situation, and I loved someone so much I'd propose to them without having met them, then you betcha I'd be taking all the jobs I can in order to save the money to see them. Where DOES she live, by the way?
Reply 17
The thing that is the clincher for me is that he is moving here instead of asking me to make the sacrifice. I can't believe that he would do that for me. Then he says that he wants to marry me and be with me for the rest of my life. I can't believe that either. How can I not love him?
MrSornia
To be honest how I met my squeeze was coincidental in the largest; I was online looking for some new penfriends a week after quitting uni and met her; we talked a bit and found we had everything in common and it developed from there.
And thx LadyYamaha I'll bear your kind offer in mind :smile:

The same thing happened to me, and we decided after three weeks to meet up because the feelings were so strong. Postponing is not a good idea, because it just puts pressure on the moment when you do finally meet, when you could find that you don't get on in real life. In my case everything has worked out wonderfully (moving in together next week!), so I'm all for meeting people. But waiting until 2009 isn't a good idea, is there no way you can visit sooner?
ladyyamaha
The thing that is the clincher for me is that he is moving here instead of asking me to make the sacrifice. I can't believe that he would do that for me. Then he says that he wants to marry me and be with me for the rest of my life. I can't believe that either. How can I not love him?


Have you met this guy?